The Kinky Pixie

HNT ~ naughty slut day

2011-04-14T09:14:00.000-07:00

It's been many a months since I put up a HNT shot ... the naughty slut in me is coming out today, and I sent my Sir a teasing picture to get it started .. and then remembered its Thursday ... HNT DAY ... and decided to put it out here :)

Im wearing white cotton panties today *grins*

She made me cry ....

2011-02-08T19:26:00.000-07:00

I started the exploration of my submission online, many years ago. I had many friends, Dominant and submissive, who I chatted with for years. One conversation had been one of those "profound talks" that I have thought about often. A Female Dominant said to me one day "If you were to ever become my submissive, I would place you over my knee and spank you until you cried" She asked me if I understood why she would do that, and I said "not to inflict pain, but to show your ownership, your Dominance over me .... it would show I was "willing to submit to her" ..

While I "knew the right answer", I don't believe I really understood it back then. What I really was thinking, and didn't says was that, I didn't think it could happen. In pain maybe, but I didnt believe that I could ever be brought to an "emotional cathartic release crying" from a spanking, or any other kind of scene. It would imply a lot of trust. I could love, I could submit, I would trust - physically, without question .. but I wasn't sure about the emotional submission .. and it took 15 yrs to find that I could.

I am collared, to a couple who I have had several emotionally strong scenes, which has been part of the connection and draw i have with them.

A few weeks ago we attended an event together. Her and I were going to do our 1first solo scene, just the 2 of us, to show off her personally made paddles. The energy was high. I was floating, I had been in my "subspace" from the start of the event, and now I was in collar, on leash, and we were going to the dungeon party. She is always beautiful, and exhibitionist me was excited even more knowing everyone was going to be watching and talking about us oO( exhibitionist, attention slut .. same thing lol)

She tied me up pretty, she touched and caressed and brought all my senses alive .. then she began spanking, and I had a flood of energy release .. I felt like crying .. it was overwhelming .. and so I let it happen. I had so many beautiful sobbing tears ... and I thought about that conversation. Being made to cry from a spanking ...I was not only submitting physically, but emotionally giving all myself to Her at that moment (and it turns out, for a little over 2 hours!) I have never felt more "submissive" , I have never felt more trust, and love, and connection ... I knew as the tears flowed that I trusted Her, that I was fully submitting to her, and they are feelings I will always cherish.

new apt ... unpacking my stuffs

2011-02-02T12:01:00.000-07:00

Feb 2010 I made a big move to Arizona ... but stayed with friends and all my "shit" was put into storage. FINALLY I moved into my own place and excitedly got all my stuff ... or excitedly I thought anyways lol .. unpacking is almost worse than packing!

Here is a lil video of my ... mess!

HNT ~ 12 Day Series 2

2010-11-11T09:56:00.010-07:00

YAAAY a couple other HNT weeks got in the way, but here is some more of my 12 day trip!

After New Mexico, I headed to LA! My 2 favorite website people were going to be there, John Baku, who was going to be on The Rev Mel show!!! I thought, well, why fly back home, when 3 days later I needed to be in San Francisco for Folsom Fair and Folsom Fringe ... so I flew to LA, was a guest in the studio for the show, and the next day drove up the Pacific Coast Hwy to San Fran!

This is a stop I made, maybe an hour into the drive -

I had to park and run across the street -

Fog and clouds went on for a long time ...

I missed the shot, but in Malibu I saw

Hold on to your hat..

YES!!

T'was MALIBU BARBIE!!

Driving her Pink Mitsubishi ...

but finally there was some sun again!

This is about 5 hours into the drive lol

Now you are going but HEY .. where is the good stuff?!

It's HNT DAY!

Well here you go!!! This is most of my black and red

The skirt here is really a dress, but is too big for me on top!

The bra here, and the garter and rose petal skirt below,
were a valentines present from my Mistress!

The wings cant be seen good, but they
are something special I picked up
in Santa Cruz a few years ago.

Ive always wanted to go to Santa Cruz,
since seeing the movie "Lost Boys", to see the boardwalk!

I was SO excited when we decided to
go a Monday after Folsom Fair - only to find
the Boardwalk closed for the season,
the day before!!

I've still not seen the Boardwalk! lol

This is another favorite, and a gift from the same Mistress.

It has really cool silver/black lace wings - though we have never

figured out how to attach them LOL

Its the same cape I used for my Kinky Pixie at Halloween!

HAPPY HNT!!!

HNT ~ HALLOWEEN

2010-11-04T00:50:00.000-07:00

Yes Yes I know ... yet another week I am skipping the next series of my 12 Day Trip! BUUUUUT!!!

I won the Halloween Contest at our local Dungeon, APEX (Arizona Power Exchange), and so *grins* have to share my costume!!

I went as The Kinky Pixie (of course!!)

HNT ~ PIXIE's Birthday!

2010-10-28T10:40:00.004-07:00

So yes I was doing my 12 days of vacation series, when low and behold my BIRTHDAY fell upon HNT DAY!!

12 years ago today "pixie" was released into the "real world" This was one of my 1st pictures back when the transformation was taking place. I really knew nothing about the "lifestyle" and was just playing dress up at a party (my 1st orgy party!)


pixie 1998

Several months before, I had discovered a new chat room, "submissives". I wandered in looking for kinky cyber sex, and found a whole new world. One that spoke to me, one that I related to and seem to flawlessly understand. One that I could learn and grow and achieve "meness" in.

I decided I wanted a new ID to embark on this great new adventure, this new lifestyle. I spent days trying to come up with one, when on the 27th OCT I had a dream .. about me, a pixie in wildflowers ... sparkling effortlessly along this path.

when I woke up the 28th remembering it all, I quickly jumped onto yahoo and created my new persona "pixie_in_wildflowers"

LOL and you all know whats happened from there!!

"Pixie's Rock"

So HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MEEEEEEEEEEEE giggles

Just think next year Ill be a TEENAGER - then you all better look out!!!

and because its Halloween Weekend YAY here are a couple

pixie halloween pics too!

pixie 2007

Vegas 2005

Vegas 2007

HNT ~ 12 Day Series 1

2010-10-21T09:24:00.003-07:00

Soooooo I know, I keep forgetting HNT DAY!! I took that fabulous 12 day vacation, that included 3 plane trips, 10 hours driving, and 4 amazing events...Its taken me this long to recover! lol I have SO many awesome shots that were taken during the trip, its hard to know where to start, so I will do a series every HNT Day until we see them all!

We will start with Evolution of the Revolution! WOW! That was an amazing event!! Although somewhat unprepared and not able to fully "glam out", I was able to do a fun photo shoot with the Amazing "Alibi"

The event was held in Albuquerque New Mexico, at the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino ... and it was a top notch deal! This was the 1st year for EvoRevo and there is no doubt I will attend the 2nd event in 2011 as well!!

Halloween 2005 I was attending a play party in Vegas, and decided to be a kitty! While out looking for kitty ears, I found this amazing pink wig and fell (oddly enough) in love with it!!

It was the beginning of what has turned into a "pink fetish"!

The hot pink leather and chains top is from "Taboo Leather"

Ok .. for some reason I can not seem

to get the clicky click to link to pictures

so click here instead lol

HAPPY HNT!!

Rare storm in Arizona!

2010-10-15T09:45:00.004-07:00

SO While I was away on my 12 days whirlwind vacation (future post on that coming up!) we had a rare storm in Arizona - for only the 4th time in recorded history, a tropical depression made its way through. I missed it - and was glad lol

The week I came home however .. something else struck! It was a warm sunny day ( like everyday here!) when suddenly I noticed it was getting dark out ... and within minutes the wind was WHIPPING away .. I thought, hmm, it might rain (I was told in mid Sept that we probably wouldnt see rain again until like FEB!! WRONG!)

Next thing I know, the most wicked storm
Ive probably ever encountered struck!

As you can see, winds were so high,
our cabana blew over!! We were lucky though,
it didnt blow AWAY!

There was
lots of hail!!

I made a "hailball"

10-15 minutes later ...

sunny blue skies again!

so we thought!

20 minutes later

it looked dark again

This is what we got the 2nd time around!

This lasted another 10-15 minutes!

No pics but it flipped our fence over!

Surpisingly though, this storm was

not as bad as the 1st one!!

Some of the debris and toppled trees the next day!

HNT ~ EVOREVO

2010-09-23T08:59:00.000-07:00

Sept 17-19th the New Mexico Fetlife members held their 1st Conference, Evolution of the Revolution, which we quickly all dubbed "EVOREVO". They hosted a fabulous weekend of presenters, vendors and play space!

One of the vendors for the event was a photographer, Alibi, and I was able to FINALLY get a photo shoot done in my fetish wear!! The same photographer was at Thunder, and it was passed on to him that I said "shoot, I missed them again, I never get any pics in my fetish stuff"! So he came and introduced himself and made sure I knew he was available and would love to take my pictures :)

I do not have the pictures yet :) but he did forward one to me to use for an AV on some sites ... it's so cute!!

HNT ~ little black dress

2010-09-15T22:32:00.005-07:00

MsMakesmeGiddy and I like to play scissor clothes ..

most of the dresses used come from Goodwill, of thrift stores,

where we pay less than 5.00!

A couple weeks ago I came across a dress that I feel in love with ...

and wont let her cut up!!!

It's

just

so

pretty!

These are some shots taken at Dungeon Corp, in Van Nuys, CA Sept 2010

Coming up you can see my favorite new pair of CFM Heels!
Purchased on clearance for 5.00! I love shopping!

She says if I piss her off

THE DRESS GOES! LOL

HAPPY HNT!!

Light at the end of the tunnel ....

2010-09-14T09:06:00.000-07:00

When the year started out getting fired Jan 7th, car broke into a few days later, and one stupid ridiculous life altering event after another was happening ... I thought, what the hell life, are you serious???? At the same time, the "tragic" things happening, were all leading down a road of positive things to come .. I just needed help finding the right path!

At the beginning of the tunnel I wasnt sure there was even any light to find .. Im not sure I even wanted there to be light, maybe I could disappear into the darkness and just be done. Some days I dont think I have the strength, mentally, emotionally or physically to keep trudging along .. and the Universe will place that "help" I need before me.

Sometimes the tunnel has multiple paths .. and there is a shimmering dim light that pulls us one way, only to find it wasnt light, maybe just some sparkles on the wall .. and we have to back track to the opening again to find the "real light" .. but when you do see that light, its always brilliant and amazing, it makes us grateful we held out and kept trudging along to find it

I hope everyone has been trudging along and finding their way down the path to their light and thank you to everyone who has been my guidance and help as I continue down mine!

HNT ~ my blue cauk

2010-09-09T10:18:00.003-07:00

So went to LA last weekend to attend a fund raiser for the American Red Cross in memory of 3 prominent members of the local lifestyle community who passed away recently. It was a lot of fun!!

After that we went to Lair DeSade and MsMakesmeGiddy has some fun with me and scissor clothes!!

During the scene she decided to tie a few pieces of the cut strands together ...

When I stood up ... the "knot" feel to the font and OMG I HAD A BLUE COCK!!!!

IT WAS SO COOL!!!!

I played with it for hours ... lol

HAPPY HNT!

HNT ~ This piece looks tender ...

2010-09-01T22:17:00.007-07:00

We have the dearest friend in the world who comes over to give me, and Ms Makes me Giddy, a massage almost every week .. this week I was treated to a lavender vanilla sugar scrub too!!!

Ms Makes me Giddy thought scraping the sugar off with a butcher knife would be FUN! *grins*

After a bit of play from the past weekend, I had some lovely marks and She said "this looks like a tender piece!"

HAPPY HNT!

HNT ~ sushi

2010-08-19T11:02:00.001-07:00

Sushi Anyone?

So yeaaaah OK maybe this should have been submitted to the "Other HNT" ~ giggles ~ but I forgot yet again that it was even HNT DAY, and we just took this shot and knew you would all love it :)

HAPPY HNT!!!

HNT ~ more LA

2010-08-13T10:29:00.004-07:00

So I really did enjoy my trip to LA, outside of BDSM Pride Day events! We saw lots of cool touristy things!! lol

These were just some randomness at Santa Monica Beach and Pier.

It was cloudy, and the water was FREEZING! LOL but I still had lots of fun! Route 66 ends at the pier .. I had not known that before!

The pier was a lot of fun though .. we had chili cheese fries and a coney dog! There are even rides there too!!

Happy HNT!

HNT ~ sexy in LA

2010-08-05T09:02:00.009-07:00

On July 24th, 2010, TSR Network celebrated
"BDSM Pride Day" - and it was fantastic!

TSR Network ran a 7 hour broadcast, interviewing many "who's who" in our Lifestyle community. It represented, for those of us in the lifestyle, a "Coming Out" Day!!

To end the evening, we went visited "Lair DeSade", one of LA's hottest lifestyle dungeons!

The awesome lil black dress was a gift from MsMakesmeGiddy, and the hot awesome pink leather and chains came from Taboo Leather!!!

HAPPY HNT!!
(dont forget to check for a clicky!)

HNT ~ I got cuter (and met Nina Hartely!)

2010-07-22T22:28:00.007-07:00

When we all thought I couldn't get any cuter ..
I DID!

*giggles*

Last weekend was
Thunder in the Mountains,
and needless to say, it was a BLAST!

The best part of it all, and nothing will probably ever top it, was getting to meet the infamous porn star, Nina Hartely!! She is beautiful and absolutely amazing!

Not only did I get to meet her, but I was her demo bottom for her "cunnilingus" class *smiles* Do I need to say more? no, but I will ... (or at least Nina will)

"and she is tasty too...." ~ Nina Hartely July 17, 2010 TITM

(dont forgot clicky clicky)

HAPPY HNT!

HNT ~ aint I cute

2010-07-08T07:25:00.007-07:00

I can't believe its Thursday again already! *giggles*

So for the past month or so ive been torn on whether i would go to Thunder in the Mountains this year - finances are tight!

i had pretty much decided no, when my bestest vendor buddy, Arcane, from Arcanes Attic, contacted me and asked if i could come help vend (he did this last year too contacting me a week or so before LOL)

We won't know for sure until sometime today BUT it should be a go!!

Midori is going to be there, I demo bottomed for her here recently and totally offered up my services for Thunder - She said to email her!! SO YAY!! I may get to do it again!!

This week and next i am going to use pics from Thunder 2009!

ENJOY HNT DAY!!

HNT ~ pasties

2010-06-30T22:32:00.010-07:00

*giggles* This was a pic I found taken at Southwest Leather 2010 - I was putting on pasties to complete my outfit - you cant see it here, but they are little leather cups, with handcuffs hanging from them! I thought they would be too heavy but they lasted all night ....

(clicky click click)

or at least until I pulled them off ... this happened to be the night I had my 1st fire play experience and I had to remove them for that lol

AND I was made giddy with a kiss by the one I now refer to MsWhoMakesmeGiddy *grins*

also unbeknowenst to me .. this would be the 1st night that the seed to move to AZ was planted in my head ... 5 weeks later I was here!

HAPPY HNT!!

nipple dancing ...

2010-06-27T11:00:00.005-07:00

Sooooo as many of you know, I was a rope demo girl for Midori, at Fascinations, here in Phoenix AZ this past weekend. It was simply fanfuckingtastic amazing!!! Saturday night we thought we would try a few things we learned from Midori, and this is what happened!!

Before we shot the video we had been doing this lil scene, and the whole room was laughing so hard, some were in tears .. so out came the video phone lol

**Please note - its 4 minutes long, we didnt turn on the light until about 1/2 way through, and then we dimmed them (yeah silly us I know) so watch it all or fast forward a bit, it's not the greatest video but what you can see is pretty funny ...

It was just so much fun!! I did end up with some rope burn, OW (and maybe not in a good way LOL) but it was all for the good of the cause *giggles*

HNT ~ Ball Gag

2010-06-24T09:31:00.000-07:00

*um smiles* Occasionally when you put two people,

who are both "always right", together,

one of them gets told to shut up ..

and if they don't, well .....

THIS just might happen *giggles*

*through muffled voice* HAPPY HNT!

HNT ~ scissor clothes

2010-06-17T08:08:00.004-07:00

This has to be in the top of "all time favorite scenes"

"Scissor Clothes!" - we found this amazing red sparkly sexy dress for 3.00 at GoodWill - Our eyes lit up with excitement (and hers with devious ideas!)

She started early in the day just teasing me .. it turned into a 12 hour scene lol

we went to the mall shopping and she found a cute lil ring that flips open and she immediately knew she would put tiger balm into it! The tease started at that moment! Once home and ring filled, the "torment" began *grins*

Several hours later at the party, we were sitting on the couch and while randomly talking to people she pulled out her knife *GRINS*, reached up my dress and 1st cut away the "nipples" from the under layer -and I had worn my bells too so now I jingled even more! ~ the cutting went on randomly through out the evening!

It was just SO hot!!!

*Click Click Click*

Check out more #HNT's & find out how to participate!

My first Arizona Scorpion ...

2010-06-14T00:50:00.000-07:00

So over this past weekend we came home late one night from a party. 2am, tired, but hungry .. I head into the kitchen (darn it I wasnt driving I couldnt have just stopped at Taco Bell! giggles!)

I had immediately noticed, when the light came on, that there was a "spot" on the ceiling. Now, to be honest .. I didnt even consider this could be a scorpion for 2 reasons, 1 - it was on the ceiling!!! and 2, it looked like an orangeish smudge .... I really didnt think anything of it at all ....

The roommates came into the kitchen and we were all talking and I made my way over to the fridge - right pretty much under the spot I had noticed, so .. I looked up ...

and screamed OMG IT'S A SCORPION!!!!

1 roommate - from a distance, said "oh damn its a little one too" - I, in a panicked voice, was thinking - small = baby = MANY! I had Scorpions as pets in an aquarium many yrs ago, and when they had babies, there were lots and lots born!!! My heart was racing!!

During all this, roommate 2 was already looking for a means of which to remove said scorpion from the ceiling ... they used an empty cat food tin and a piece or cardboard/paper and it worked!!

The scorpion was promptly flushed down the toliet ... AND I was informed it was a full grown, not a baby, and I didnt need to freak about that part anymore .. from where roommate 1 was standing, it only looked teeney!

Unfortunately I was too freaked to think to get a picture!!! All the while I was thinking that Scorpions couldnt, or at least not easily, climb ..especially up to the ceiling to hang upside down! EEPS

I've been reading about them now, apparently some species of them are excellent climbers ... *sighs*

Im sure this wont be my last experience with the scorpions!!

Wanting to want ...

2010-06-13T23:26:00.001-07:00

This is dilemma in one form or another that I think happens to every submissive/slave/bottom ... wanting to do something to please a Dominant, that is outside our comfort zone, or as far as against our limits. There are limits meant to be pushed, tested, tried out ... right? It's not rhetorical, the answer is yes ... I can't believe for any of us committed to our lifestyle, that we haven't come across SOMETHING that we would do, even if we didnt really want to.

What happens when that "something" becomes a want. a desire. a craving. a ... need? I say need but I think the "need" is to please and serve, not the act itself being "needed".

For me recently this "something" is ... hold your breath and be sure you are sitting down ... pain. Now no, I am not saying I want to turn into a pain slut. Far from it I swear lol .. but lately, someone who can be sadistic, has been toying with my limits and I find myself wanting to want to like pain .. just a little.

They like whips and needles and just in general, hand contact... spanking, slapping (not the face!), pinching poking..any of that kind of stuff. It even excited them to no end when they were treated to a rubber band shooting gun ... they begged me to be the target but I simply had to refuse, knowing my own limits. What gets me is .. this want to want it. I desperately want to stand in front of the rubber bands!!

I do love scissor clothes / Knife play scenes ... and the pic above is a recent scene I did with this person. It was an all day tease and hours of cutting up the sexy dress .. there was also some lovely spanking and slapping my of thighs, legs, ass, pussy ... and at one point they said to me "You dont really like all this part of it, the slapping, do you, you like the "look at me" part", right?"

Now already I have been floating in sub space for hours .. my head though immediately goes into ADD mode with 10 different replies running through my head ...

omg yes i do love it

but

um yeah ok it does kinda sting a little in a not so like way

but

please dont stop

Do I want them to keep "hurting" me for my own pleasure, or because I know its giving them the pleasure, or for both those reasons .. what is my pleasure in it? the pleasing? the knowing everyone is watching?

it did kinda get stingy and hurt ... i know that with my chronic fatigue/fibromyalgia I am gonna hurt tomorrow ...

but

oh please don't stop

Yeah now I am arguing with my head over this want to want to hurt .. I want to let them do things to me for their own pleasure, which is turn feeds my emotional need to serve ... but ... do I really want to hurt, to achieve that need being filled??????

I dunno .. I guess we just keep taking each day and see what happens and what limits get tested teased and pushed *smiles*

HNT ~ Red Lingerie

2010-06-10T12:30:00.004-07:00

This was my jacuzzi bath at my old house!

Happy HNT!

Check out more #HNT's & find out how to participate

The "Love Lelo Giveaway"

2010-06-04T09:13:00.005-07:00

Our favorite Eden Cafe is having a "Love Lelo Giveaway"

The Mona and the Ina are 2 new fabulous Lelo pleasure toys

(and I quote!)
"Fun colors, curvy shapes, lightweight designs, multiple speeds
and patterns of vibrations, rechargeable, velvety silicone —
the Mona and Ina pretty much have everything anyone could be looking for in a luxury vibrator."

ONE is being given away!

The contest is simple,
the toys are awesome,
GO CHECK IT OUT AND ENTER TODAY!!

HNT ~ Summer Shoes

2010-06-03T12:27:00.008-07:00

I admit ... in my lazy days of enjoying the sun, I SO forgot it was Thursday today! I was out shoe shopping yesterday, and decided to make a quicky shot for my favorite day of the week!

Aren't these so cute!? AND it's PayLess BOGO Sale .. I got a 2nd pair, but I'll save those for the next needed quicky *hehe*

HAPPY HNT!

(clicky clicky for other fun summer things I enjoy!)

PS...I'm on the OTHER HNT as well this week *grins*

omg Im sick!

2010-05-29T13:02:00.002-07:00

So for the first time in 3 winters, I think I got a cold ... I've thought for the last 3 days that I had allergies. I had spent 2 days out in the 1/2 acre yard raking all the dried up dead stuff that I helped cut down weeks earlier. As I had been raking there was lots and lots of dirt dust and debris that came up and I breathed in.

At the end of the 1st day ( it was like 3 hours each day is all lol) I had an itchy nose and throat. By the end of the 2nd day I had an even more itchy nose and throat, as well as water eyes and runny nose. I showered, went to walmart and got me some Claritin - which did absolutely nothing for me. I got it because it was cheaper than the Zyrtec that I really wanted..

when I woke up the 3rd day I felt like someone had pulled my soul right out of my body. I did almost nothing but lay on the couch. I went to Walgreens 1st thing and got me some of their brand Zyrtec-D - this has the sudafed stuff in it so that it clears the congestion. I didnt have to much of a cough, just the stuffy nose and throat (lots of spit ew!) and feeling completely drained. I went from hot to hotter ... could barely sleep and was just miserable.

Day 4 wasnt much better, but a little ... until I made the mistake of eating. Omelette with salmon, mushrooms, onions, spinach .. it was yum! the 4 bites I had anyways .. then my tummy felt a lil off, so I forced a couple more bites in and stopped. about oh, 6 hours later those few bites came right back up .. I had been feeling more nauseated than usual and sure enough I was suddenly running to kneel before the porcelain god ... ugh .. then my tummy was upset almost all night long.

Today, Day 5, I still feel a little drained but I have managed (with a box of tissues) to clear out the congestion, no more sniffling sneezy nose or soar throat. Ive noticed that my pain meds, which had Tylenol in them, makes me feel a bit better too ...

I feel good enough that I am venturing out to the mall to have lunch with MsMakesmeGiddy :)

Im hoping it really was just allergies not a cold, but whatever it was I do not want it again!!

Losing my 5.3 yr virginity ....

2010-05-28T18:52:00.004-07:00

So if you have been following me, or known me for awhile, you know I havent had sex in just over 5 yrs., Feb/Mar 2005 was the last time I had actual intercourse ... now, within the last 2 yrs I did have a brief, and I mean very brief (2 times maybe?), fling with a lovely woman ..who with fingers and tongue only brought me to beautiful orgasms *smiles* but I never really considered that sex sex .. and of course being in the lifestyle I have had a few public scenes, and maybe a private one or two, that included bringing me to orgasm with toys, but again .. no sex sex -

In 1999 I received my 1st collar, from a married couple, and in 2000 moved in with Them - life was grand until about 2003ish when life circumstances just were what they were and there was no more "lifestyle" in the relationship .. that same yr He decided he was jealous of Her and I and would no longer include me in their sex life ... Her "life circumstance" was her becoming a prescription pill addict, and so over weeks, months, years she was loopy and stayed in bed almost 24/7 - making her and mines sex life nill ... then in Oct 2004 she went on a 5 month trip with her mother ... during that time I picked up a cute boytoy from work and until she came home in Feb he was my fuck buddy :)

In a non lucid drug induced state of mind, in March 05 she accused me of still her meds and threw me out of the house and i moved back to Omaha (I had indeed not taken them, she hid them around the house to hide them from us - days later she found then and tried to apologize )

During that 2 years or so ... especially the last yr, I needed to leave .. the situation was bad - but - I couldnt do it. I believed I was her submissive and would take care of Her ... uh huh - best thing she ever did was throw me out.

Anyways .. the point of all that leads to some of my decision to not pick up any new sexual relationships ..

I was raised in a very sexual environment/atmosphere - before age 5 I was "hussling" old men at the bar for quarters to play pinball or get another shirley temple - or just pocket the quarter. I was like that because I was being sexually abused .. it was just my world. I cant say it was bad .. all I remember is what made me feel good and it went on for a number of yrs ... im good with it not all dramatic about it now. Mom always had a new BF or husband or whatever .. I wouldnt trade my life, I am not complaining or saying it was bad .. I am just explaining :)

While i did not choose to have sex until I was 19, I made it to 3rd base with many a boy from way to early an age ... and after I did do it the 1st time, I loved it .. and had lots of it :) but always in unhealthy relationships.

So .. back to 2005. I move back to Omaha instead of AZ where I wanted to go, I am single for the first time in like 10 yrs and feeling like lousy crap that I am just a failure. As I start to pick up my life, I realized, and decided to make a more conscious effort, to just not play the game anymore. I hated losing, I hated being a fuck up .. if you dont play, you cant lose and that was "winning" enough for me. Over time I realized a huge part of "who" I was .. was this sexual being. I used sex/sexual overtones to cover up insecurities .. some people giggle and me, well I become sexual. I also knew it usually got me what I wanted ... unfortunately even at that point I was a co dependent low self esteem girl, shy, scared of the vanilla world ... I really just wanted to shut down and not exist anymore. It wasnt a matter of not liking me, it was a matter of thinking I didnt have it in me to change ...

With the help of 2 dear souls in my life, I sturggled through and worked things out about me and who I am ... in the end I would be a poly submissive ... in the form of service. No collars, No relationships, No getting hurt ... and still getting all my submissive pixie needs met. perfect. Sort of .. I did take a collar of protection and wore a collar of consideration for a few months with another. I got hurt .. I got hurt real bad ... but I need to practice what I preach. Move it, tuck the good times in my heart and the lessons learned into my head and move one. Be happy.

Be happy ... while 2010 has been the hardest year so far, I did make some significant positive changes (the Universe got sick of my whining and kicked my ass lol ) I moved to AZ, and allowed someone to make me Giddy (something else you know about if you have been following!)

So yeah .. MsMakesMeGiddy took the initiative (again previous post!) and brought out a big, beautiful, piece of glass and as she put it with a raspy panting voice while it was being thrust inside of me ..... "princess pixie is being royally fucked"

*smiles* I laughed at myself later because, it IS like losing my virginity all over again, only this time .. Ive forgotten how :| I dont know really how to flirt, Ive never been on a date, I dont know how to initiate ... but omg I want to ...

I also feel like I am setting myself up .. I need to be very careful about not letting myself get attached emotionally to Her .. I cant have her, and I am ok with that, i enjoy getting to play with her, my fear is that its been so long, and the emotions and feelings so missed, that I let them get the better of me ... im hurting myself in that (and then who the hell can i blame lol)

So now if you really read all the way through ... does this count as losing my virginity, or do I need to find a throbbing hard hot cock to fill my aching wet walls ?

HNT ~ Ballet Day

2010-05-27T09:16:00.009-07:00

For many years I had a best friend ..
(things happened we are not bestest anylonger)

She has 2 little girls, who are as close to
"my kids" as I will ever get...
(and I miss terribly)

The girls are in ballet and every Sunday,
before Memorial Day, they have a big recital!

Because of my move to Arizona,
This will be the 1st year I've missed, in 10 ...

So in honor of missing the recital, my HNT
is a pic of me in my new dress I wore last year :)

(clicky click click)

and a lil treat to go along with :)
(strawberries and cream anyone?)

Happy HNT!

HNT ~ Happy Anniversary!

2010-05-20T10:11:00.004-07:00

SOOOO this week is the 5 yr Anniversary of HNT!!!
WOOHOOO CONGRATS!!!

Happens to be my 1 yr Anniversary in HNT as well!!!

To keep with the Anniversary Theme this week,
we were asked to post our very 1st HNT

This was mine, May 14, 2009

I couldnt re-create it for a today shot,
as 1, I am not at the Fair, and 2, the clothes
are packed from the move still lol

Happy 13th Anniversary ,,,

2010-05-19T00:32:00.007-07:00

Yes .. can you believe it, 13 yrs ago, in Las Vegas, my boyfriend of 5 yrs and I were married.

Just before christmas in 1995 we had went ring shopping. I picked a pretty ring :) I found a band I wanted, but picked the diamond separate. Im not really a diamond kinda girl lol so I picked a 1/2 carat quality over a bigger stone less quality. They had to send the 2 rings out to have the stone removed from one band and put into the one I wanted.

Now every year we have been doing a christmas eve party at his parents house, which was a Friday night this year. I thought for certain he was going to do a romantic proposal as part of christmas ..right?! No .. as we were getting ready for the party he said, do you want to wear your ring .. I said, huh? He said .. I picked up your ring today, do you want to wear it to the party? I said yes thinking he was only kidding .. that he would say I had to wait, but no, he was tossing the box at me :| .. Yeah that was my big romantic marriage proposal (NOT!)

it turned out the store made a mistake and gave us both ring bands, even though I only paid for the one I wanted .. that was a bonus lol

2 yrs later, in 1997, April, my future mother in law called me at work ( I was a travel agent!) and said hey will you price out this trip for me and hubby and blah blah blah for May. Now my BFs mom has like 16, 17 some brothers and sisters .. big irish catholic family ... several family members were going.

That night I got home from work and informed my BF that his mom and dad and so and so were going to Vegas in May and he says, well hey, we should go with them and get married .. and I said, OK! and thats what we did :)

When we were outside for the 1st time in Vegas, not long after getting off the plane and getting our bags, I stood there holding my arms out to the sun and I said to everyone .. omg, its the sun, someday I am going to live here! (and that was my goal for almost 11 yrs, then it became Arizona, where I finally made it march 1, 2010!)

We had suites reversed at Palace Station ... the room had floor to ceiling bay windows, its was a stunning view. Our very 1st stop besides checking in, was MGM Grand ( where we subsequently stayed on all future trips ) ... Future hubby put 3.00 into a slot machine and we hit a $1000.00 Jackpot - it made for a most fabulous wedding and trip to Vegas!! We also in all our excitment of 1st trips to Vegas, lost our car in the parking lot. Late, tired, exhausted to a point of tears, we walked a parking garage for over an hour ... we NEVER forgot where the car was parked again LOL

The sad ending to the story is ( or the best part depending on how you look at it!) is that in Feb 2008, less than 1 yr after we were married, i left him ... on my birthday none the less. It's a much longer story but it had to be done. The "good part" is about a yr later, pixie was brought to life :)

SO HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO ME! :)

(all my pictures are packed and in storage but someday when I come across them again I will upload them!)

oh yeah PS .. we are still married even though I left, because I do not want to pay for the divorce, if anyone wants to donate or volunteer their efforts to getting me a divorce .. please do! lol

I really sometimes hope my mother doesnt read this ..

2010-05-13T23:07:00.003-07:00

HAHA cuz I am about to talk about something ... personal lol See .. for the 1st time in a long time, I am, well, how shall we say it .. bluntly I guess, horny. Ms Makes me Giddy has now done more than make me giddy .. She has aroused me, oh my! Ive never been one to shy away from daily masturbation, but lately, its several times .. and what I thinking about?? Her! YUP and the play time/scenes we've had together .. its just been so fucking HOT for me *grins* and I think She is enjoying it too!

I've kinda told her that I am excited about this aroused state she has put me in .. I've explained I have no expectations from anything we do together, or might do together *grins* but that I am thoroughly enjoying Her touching and teasing and little kisses *smiles and blushes*

One of my issues is .. initiating .. for some reason I seemed to lose the ability to initiate, anything, especially anything that might be in sexual context. I did go waaaay out on a limb and sent Her a naughty text last week ... I had been accused of being a flirt several weeks before and denied that, and so when She came home and commented on the text, I said "that is me flirting" .. but beyond that, I am kinda stuck .. submissive to a fault I am.

but .. smiles ... I think somewhere along the line, as the arousal overtakes my every thought process, I will put myself out there and at least flirt better, if I can get any initiating done lol, or maybe She will reach that passion and just be the initiater ...but I think being the Dominant, there is lesson here for Her to teach me in making me be the one to do it lol EVERYTHING is always a learning and growing process .. geesh lol

anyways ... off to visit Mr Hitachi and hoping he doesnt buzz loud enough to be heard 2 rooms over!! *hehe*

HNT ~ knife play

2010-05-12T22:24:00.003-07:00

This was one of my very first knife play scenes

I got to wear pink princess panties
to be cut off me .. it was SO hot!

clicky click click *smiles*

She used pretty pink stuff
and rope to bind me ...
and fur to tease me with!
along with other toys that made it into the shot :)

HAPPY HNT!

OK .. its that time ..

2010-05-12T13:45:00.004-07:00

I need to start looking for a job. That means I need to decide what I want to do with my life. With my lack of experience at anything other than inbound customer service jobs, and my chronic fatigue which limits how much standing/lifting/physical activity I can do, it makes that decision so much more difficult.

I am not office secretary/receptionist material .. I simply can not do the 8-5 Mon-Fri dress up kinda thing. Im not organized and whilst I am familiar with, I dont really know many Office Programs.

Ive tried data entry before .. but it's ona those things I am just not good at .. the chronic fatigues short term memory lapses, really have me struggling to look at something and remember it long enough to look at where I am entering it to, and then enter it .. sounds silly I know but its the best explanation I can give until you experience it

No restaurant or food service .. just not physically able

I still more than anything would love to open my own store .. but the funds needed, and this economy, I just do not think it would be feasible at this time. I would love to work in a fun little shop of some sort but, most wont pay enough ... right now I am living off 300 a week, and that is doable, but its still more than min wage will make me.

I thought abut maybe be an airport shuttle driver, but quirky me is convinced some serial killer/rapist is going to end up on a long drive alone with me and *POOF* no more pixie .. (it COULD HAPPEN!! lol)

Im also scared of what will happen to me emotionally ... blah ... I know I am going to end up back on the phones, that's just what it is I know how to do ..

Yeah I know, I am a total dork .... just to top off all of my other quirks lol

so anyways .. the job hunt begins Monday .. will keep ya posted!

Tragic's Wake ...

2010-05-12T13:09:00.003-07:00

Soooo what seems forever ago now I found me an internet "twin", GrrlTragic, twitter... funny enough though, this is my 2nd internet "twin" .. the 1st one shares my real name with me!

My girl Tragic however ... wow ... the life coincidences we share are eerie sometimes! (like she shares the same 1st and middle name of my adopted mom, for one!)

She has been on an evolving path of her life lately (another thing we are sharing!), a rather profound one .. and had a calling for a change, for a rebirth of her existence ... and in that, Tragic's Wake has been born, and is being brought to life.

She will captivate and entrap you *winks* well worth your internet time to go check her out!!

Back on track ...

2010-05-07T10:39:00.003-07:00

OK well I hope anyways. Someone made a post the other day on FetLife and I gave my "typical pixie advice". It has really been making me think though, ever since I posted it, how I don't really practice what I preach (because its much easier that way lol)

The topic was about how the person felt they were "angry" or had a "temper" all the time lately and how they, nor people around them, were liking it. My advice was, its a choice .. all our reactions and responses to life around us is a choice. I suggested not to react/respond to anything without a 30 minute breather. Stop and think about what was about to be said or done, and see if that is how you really want to be.

For me, the response / reaction I don't like is, well almost that I am being "a drama queen" - I've had some crazy ass shit dealt to me in 2010 ... and I keep whining about it. I tell everyone about it. I stay wrapped up in it, because its safe. I've spent the last 8 weeks, plus a few more on and off before that, living completely out of my comfort zone. That has put me into some what of a panicked, I'm scared mode.

On top of that I am trying my darndest to learn to be sociable. Problem with that is, and why Ive never been sociable, is, I just dont know how lol .. I dont have anything to talk about .. except this crazy drama shit thats been going on, and so thats what comes out of my mouth. Otherwise I just sit there feeling like an idiot because I have nothing to talk about it.

Thursday night coffee is a good example. I keep going, but, I just sit there .. looking at everyone chit chatting and what not and I feel like the outsider. Im not, I mean they all know me, I know most of them, they are just visiting and conversing, but I just feel out of place and uncomfortable and sit there feeling like I am an idiot .. desperately trying to think of something to say .. to fit in.
Usually its not so bad around lifestyle people, because lifestyle stuff generally comes up .. and that is what like the only thing "I know" that "I'm comfortable" with .. but thats only minutes of the evening .. I have hours to fill.

Anyways .. I realized that I myself need to step back and think about my reaction and responses. Im known to all for being the happy go lucky smiling pixie, but Ive not let her out for months now .. hell, I dont want to be around me, I cant imagine anyone else wanting to be either lol ...

I do think some of this has to do with coming out of winter .. I did still spend most of winter in the cold and dark of the midwest so Im thinking winter blahs still got a lil piece of me, and then turning my whole life upside down to move to Arizona didnt help ( well ok it DID help, just in different ways lol)

SO .. im back now .. on track I hope to being the happy go lucky submissive girly girl I am :)

HNT ~ magical gardens

2010-05-06T08:59:00.003-07:00

This was taken at the Bellagio Hotel Gardens
Las Vegas 2008

Every holiday/season they decorate the gardens
This was one of my favorite themes ever!!
The garden was filled with all sorts of magical creatures!!

It is one of my favorite pics of myself :)

The beautiful dress was a gift from Ms Serendipity
She brought it back from Hawaii for me!!

Happy HNT!!

It was bound to happen ...

2010-04-29T21:51:00.003-07:00

Ive been "feeling it" for several months now, even before I moved to Arizona .. the inevitable "ive not been pulled over in about 13 yrs now, it will happen anytime now" I am a good driver. I rarely speed (hwys excluded), I obey signs and lights .. Im a courteous driver (hey they cant hear me cursing and wishing evil thoughts upon them for their stupid driving lolol )

See, I seem to get pulled over, for something silly, about once every 10 yrs or so .. The last time was Oct 97, and I was going 3 miles over the speed limit. It was a very rare 80degree day in omaha and I had the top down on my 89 ford mustang (yeah, the V8!)

I had just left a wedding, and there was a little over an hour until the reception, and we passed out local hang out bar on the way, so several of us were heading for 1 drink before the party! I was going down a road I traveled every single day, it ran in front of my apt .. and BOOM cop jumps out in front of me and I almost hit him (i was the last in the line of our bar convoy!) .. he said, do you know why I pulled you over, and I replied "because i was speeding?" I knew I was, and knew it was less than 5 miles over ...(43 in a 40!) .. anyways, he came back after running my stuff and told me "because you were being smart, im going to give you a ticket" ** eye roll ** the ticket was 5.00 more than taking the silly driver ed class thingy, so I did that and all was well ..lol

The very 1st time I was pulled over, was to get my intransits checked for legality (which they were!) .. however, the family dog had been picked up by the humane society, and he hadnt had his shots yet (because he was picked up before and caught kennel cough and we had to wait to vaccinate until he was well!!! - neighbor girl would open our gate and let him out so she could knock on the door to play with sister) ... when I get pulled over, turns out I had a warrant for my arrest, from the humane society .. it was a saturday and I spent several hours in jail until I could reach a family member to come bail me out ... (and as stupid as it sounds that I went to jail for that, it almost happened again to me in 2004 when the household dog was in our own yard with no leash, and they called him to the curb and picked him up .. I refused to pay the fine, they put a warrant out for my arrest! WTF??)

So tonight, it was a friends birthday ... she asked me to bring a couple shots of vodka to the Thursday Night Coffee. 1st off, it is freaking cold out in Az today .. I put on a turtle neck, and sweatshirt to go to coffee. 2nd, Before coffee, we went to a movie and dinner, and I had decided, I didnt want to go to coffee ... buuuuuut it was the friends bday and I promised I would go and bring her the vodka. We all know (well ok MOST of you know lol and you will now!) that I also have maryjane in my car .. I had smoked on the drive to coffee and was high as a kite (thank god it had been a good 10 minutes since I stopped and I drove with the window down!!!)

I was about to turn into coffee when BAAAM .. I see the lights start flashing in my mirror - MOTHER FUCKER .. I KNEW I had not been speeding .. but I had no idea what I had just happened .. I literally just put my new plates on the car this week and my sticker is partially covered by the new plate holder .. soooo I thought maaaaybe that was it.

see?

The 1st thing I did was put my coat over the vodka ( it was in a fiji water bottle so it probably would have been ok!) .. then prayed you couldnt really smell anything ...

He came to my window, I was shaking like a leaf and handed him my license and registration - he asked "Do you have any guns, knives, drugs or alcohol in your vehicle" and I was like, oh no Sir .. did I do something wrong? He said I had committed a traffic violation .. I was like "oh"

He went and ran my stuff, came back and said .. you know when you go to the red light on the off ramp and turned on to blah blah street .. there are 2 signs that say "no right turn on red" - I was like, no way? I swear, i didnt see them or I would not have turned ( FUCK FUCK FUCK I KNEW about the damn signs and TOTALLY forgot .. I WAS HIGH! *giggles*) I said, I am new here, I really didnt see them, I promise I will be more careful .. He says "well it is dark, and both signs are across the street ( 5 lanes .. in the dark .. damn right I didnt see it! IM HIGH!) be more careful and have a good night and went on his merry way ...

There is the most beautiful shining full moon out tonight ( it made me cry on the way home the magic was so beautiful ) .. I thanked the Goddess that this had went off without an issues. I have had a strange bout of bad luck since 2010 began and while all of it in some way or another has been beneficial, it has sometimes been dealt in a "fuck me hard" kinda way .. I really didnt need for this lesson to go that way. It would have been bad bad bad.

So yeah, I should be good several more years again now *smiles*

Thank You Goddess!

woohoo its a sex toy contest!!

2010-04-27T18:48:00.003-07:00

OOOOK ..
its not my sex toy contest,
BUT
there IS a contest!!

Its being run for an awesome new sex toy,
The BNaughty Bullet Vibe !

by:
one of my favorite twitters and bloggers,
AshlyStar - Not Your Average Chick!

She has some very simple and easy
contest participation rules that you can check out here:

"First Sex Toy Give Away"

SOOOOO go check it out NOW!
YOU COULD WIN!!

HNT ~ the last shot ...

2010-04-21T23:56:00.004-07:00

This is the last moments I had with my beloved cell phone.

I took that shot, tweeted and set the phone down on the hood of the car,
so that I could put that box in my storage unit.

I drove off without picking the phone back up *sighs* I am sad.

I had another HNT shot picked out already, so clicky clicky ;)

It was one of THOSE days ..

2010-04-21T23:48:00.002-07:00

1st I left the house to run to my storage unit, that went great, and I found JUST went I had went for. When I got back to the house (15 minutes later or so) I realized I had not locked the front door - OPS - I felt terrible, but thank goodness all was well.

Then I started cooking a grilled cheese. While doing so i realized I hadnt had my phone in my hand for a bit and thought I had better run check it ... but couldnt find it. I started running around looking for it, sent myself an email so i would hear it ding ... but .. um ...nothing.

I tweeted mom and asked her to dial me ... and I heard nothing, she comes back and tweets that its just going straight to voicemail

SHIT .. I am in a panic and run out to check my car ...all that took about 20 minutes .. when i smell the grilled cheese burning away ...

great now Ive left the house unlocked today and tried to burn it down, again thank goodess it was black, and a lil smokey but no fire actually started.

I race off to the storage unit ..praying it was there. I distinctly remember leaving it on the hood of my car - it SHOULD be in the storage unit parking lot .. right? yeah .. no .. I went back home, and then came back out 3 more times, even walking the 3 block path, hoping I would see it on the ground .. at least if it was smashed, my new 60.00 extended battery would still be there ..

cries but no .. I am guessing some twatwaffle found it on the ground and took it .. this phone has cost me more money and trouble that any phone in my 10 yr sprint history sighs

Ive been whining about it all night ... I know its 100% my fault ..but I just cant believe it happened .. Im sure everyone, specially those in the house, are tired already of hearing about it and the 100.00 I have to spend to replace it ... so after this i am just sucking up as i always have to and letting it go ...

UUUUUGGGGH I am so so so mad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

kicks screams cries

disco ball on a stick! and other pretties too!

2010-04-20T00:10:00.003-07:00

So yes, this is as part of my "ima dork" post from earlier ..
but wanted it to have its own special attention too ..
I simply love my new pretties, and the thought behind them!

The best part, besides seeing Joan Jett, was getting to see her
with someone who I have just come to absolutely adore.
(yes yes its "Ms Who Makes me Giddy!)

She appeased the inner child in me when my eyes lit up
seeing all the cool glowy lights they had at the Festival

I wanted ...

like any kid at the carnival, I wanted the cool light toy ..
but they were always expensive and I never got one :(

Tonight was different though ...

When I said "ooh look!! pretties! I want!!"
She took my by the hand ( *smiles* I liked that part too!)
and led me through until we found where to get the pretties!

I even got 2 of them!!!

The butterfly is just way too cute!

My favorite one though, is the disco ball on a stick
It lights up and changes color patterns and I love it!!

THIS is video of my Disco Ball on a Stick!
(and yes it may be insertable hehe)

aaaah the dork in me .. giggles

2010-04-19T15:31:00.006-07:00

soooo I found out that Joan Jett was coming to perform at the Arizona Pride Festival and I was all excited .. except 1 problem, it was a Sunday night, I didnt have anyone to ask to go with me, and we all know I am not quite ready to venture out and do something on my OWN! *gasps*

I decided, the week before the show, to throw out a post in my favorite online lifestyle community,Fetlife and ask if anyone happened to be going (that I knew! lol) in hopes I would get to go.

See, I love Joan Jett, and when I was a teenager, she was coming to our city, on my BIRTHDAY! How perfect was that!!?? We got tickets and were all set! Then .. low and behold, it turned out that the auditorium had booked Joan Jett, but also the "All City High School Music Festival" - WTF - I played the violin and that meant I was expected to be there .. I was like no way, I didnt care if I passed freaking orchestra class, but I was going to see Joan Jett - we have priorities in life - I might never get to see her, let alone on my birthday, again .. but there was always a way to make up a stupid orchestra class credit *smiles*

and what happened with that? Well the high school music festival won out on the space, I dont know if she canceled or we canceled her, but *sighs* she wasnt there for my birthday .. its been a disappointment to me for years *sniff sniff* (no im not kiddng, I told you I have quirks LOL)
I didnt go to the music festival either - I love birthdays, and there are barely a handful in 40 yrs that i can say were not celebrated "away from work/school" - I dont care if I cant 'do" anything and I just have to sit home alone, thats all right by me - its celebration of me time no matter how I spend it!

This year my 40th was awesome ....completely sidetracking to my birthday and spending it the way I want lol .. I didnt have a job, I just came back from SWLC and I was terribly heartbroken that my 40th birthday was going to be spent in the snow and cold .. it was my 40th!!! but I simply couldnt justify airfare/hotel/meals what not, for even a couple days to go anywhere -

and then Ms Universe gave me a special "Gift" .. I was able to come spend not only a couple days, but a whole week with a couple who have become very dear to me, who threw me a fabulous birthday party (Ms Universe had a hand in arranging that too!) and yeah .. that was great heheh I also got invited to come back and live with them until I get settled in Arizona!!

Anywaaaays back to why I am a dork! LOL - Only 1 person responded to me that they would go see Joan Jett with me at the Pride Festival and so woohoo I was going to get to go see Joan Jett!!! and only 2 months past my birthday LOL

Joan Jett was awesome and rocked!! Now .. while we were there, circumstance had it that my special "Gift" was going to be able to come to the concert too! YAY how much better can it get!

OH, it can just wait .. giggles - if any of this has made sense and you are still following, the couple I live with was the "Gift" Ms Universe gave me .. so we had separate cars, but were going to the same house ... no problem, I had keys (she had to go pick up the other 1/2 of them, and i would get home 1st)

I stop at taco bell on the way, and get home .. put the top up on Ms Miata, carefully walk to the door looking for any bugs (lol) .. walk in the house, get a pepsi from the fridge, go to the living room and begin to eat ...

and realize .. damn ive not peed in like 12 hours .. so down the hall i walked, dropping off my bags and new toys (omg next post for that!) in my bedroom , and off to the bathroom ...

as i am sitting there peeing .. i suddenly stopped breathing ..WTF just I just walk through part of a dark house .. and of course i heard a noise (it was the house phone beeping lol) but that was enough to make me start THINKING about that I was home alone, in the big dark house ..omg .. i sat in the lit bathroom for about 10 minutes .. and finally made my way (3 steps across) to my bedroom - i sat on the bed (with the lights on!!!) for another 25-20 minutes before I convinced myself I was being silly - at least long enough to step off the bed and put my jammies on ... and back on the bed I went!!

I didnt move from the bed again until they came home .. i didnt have a panic attack, but .. i so could have lol .. we just gotta love the dork in me *giggles*

HNT ~ sunbathing!

2010-04-13T21:08:00.005-07:00

Thought we'd enjoy another shot of the
naked sunbathing now that we have the cabana built :)

I posted this early so a few only saw my legs ;)
be sure and check out the clicky click!

And HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO O!

naked sunbathing has arrived!

2010-04-13T10:12:00.003-07:00

This is how we started ..

This is the first time in my life Ive hads
a yard available where a pixie could lay out
NAKED in the sun! WOOHOOO

um yeah ..
except 1 side of our fence is wooden
and rickety and has peek through spots ...
On the other side of the fence is a 17yr old girl...
who rides the short bus (enough said, right?!)

There is a brick wall on another side ...
those kids peek over by jumping on their trampoline!

We decided a few weeks ago to put in some post
and build a temp cabana type deal ...

We had lots of ideas in our head but wasnt really
sure how/what we would do ..

If you follow my blog you know a few days ago
we went out and found some fabric ..
turns out to be shower curtain material lol
We got 25 yards ( yeah that is 75 feet!)
for only 1.00 a yard!!

Sir of the house did all the sewing of hems,
(you also all know what happened last time they put a tool in my hands!)
and created lil tabby-things to add down the sides
I did hold the fabric from falling off the table *grins*
and turned the tabs right side out after hemming hehe

Yesterday we got all the holes measured and drilled
and put in the eye hooks and put it up to test!!

IT WORKS!!!

It will be a pain to take it up and down,
but for non-creative me I think it turned out pretty damn well!!

Miss "Makes me Giddy" got me again

2010-04-11T21:35:00.008-07:00

SOOOOO this past weekend was Bizarre Bazaar at APEX and it was amazing fun! It's a big day where the community comes together to support our lifestyle and our space...

During the day there was lots of awesome vendors, a cook out (YUM!) , a fashion show that yes, yours truly participated in (omg I was so shy and scared! but it was fun!), a raffle and auction took place (no damn it, i spent 20.00 on tkts and won nothin! *pouts* but the roomies did!) and of course the best part of it all was the late night play party. Well, ok it wasnt the BEST part .. the best part was really getting to see everyone. There are so many people Ive come to cherish and adore in this community over the years and its wonderful to have so many of us in one place at one time.

ok ok, well wait, that was all really great.. but the BEST BEST part was my scene *grins* for many reasons, it was a scene that I have been waiting to have, for a long time now. "The One who makes me giddy" had kinda thrown out to me the day before the event that maybe Her and I would have a chance to play at the party. I got excited! However, there have been a couple other times that it has been talked about for other parties, and just do to life circumstances, we never actually got to do it. I knew the Bazaar would be a long day and with her recent surgery could take its toll on her and we might not get to play by the time the party rolled around (which was perfectly ok!!)

During the day events at the Bazaar I kinda got to be "in service" to Her ...it wasnt "official" that I was in service, but as I always do, I was at Her beck and call .. and today she "accepted" it and would say all the things that make a girl swoon in delight, and tell people what a good girl I was...it was very, very nice. Just that part of the day alone was enough to keep my head floating in "subspace".

Because the day was long, and running "longer" ( I swear the clock jumped from 3 to 7pm in a blink of my eyes!) and we were all getting tired, we tried to put together a "home" party instead of heading back out to the Dungeon, but in the end thats exactly where we all ended up ...

During the week we had met a lovely male sub, new to the area and I think to the lifestyle as well .. I knew there was a possibility that She wanted to do a scene with him as well, and I wanted to make sure that 1) She only did as much as she was really up for and 2) that She got to do what She really wanted to do. On our way to the Dungeon I let her know that if she wanted to do a scene just with him, I was more than ok with us not having the time ... there would always be another opportunity for me :) ... but she made the lil pixie feel all mushy and good inside when She said no, Her and I would get to play ..... OH! YAY!! I couldnt wait!!!

We had talked in little bits and pieces during the day about negotiations for our scene. We had packed a nice bag of toys even *grins* but on the drive there we talked about her hands .. and using nothing else. Inside I lit up ... I love a spanking, I love being touched .. the feel of flesh upon flesh is simply amazing .. I said, if all you want to use is your hands, by all means .. please do. In all my years and all my scenes, no one has ever given me a real hand on butt spanking - its usually a few smacks here and there and then the toys come at me ( NOT that I am complaining!!) .... in honesty, I had never really "thought about it before" and i am not one to "top from the bottom" by saying hey .. would you please just bare hand spank me .. so its not that I was ever missing anything but after it was all said and done I thought to myself, ive always wanted this!!!

Not only did I get all that *grins* but I was kissed too (*shivers* just thinking about it again!) .. and those who follow me know what happened last time She kissed me, I got giddy ...and oooh oh oh MY! did that happen again! Of course this time it wasnt just the kisses, it was all the touching that went along with it!!

Yes Virgina, there is a santa clause :) and "She" is living right here in Arizona!

I ventured out .. again!

2010-04-10T06:22:00.003-07:00

I made it out to a 2nd coffee this week ... YES! 2 in a row, can you believe it? I had sorta planned on going, but then we had a busy day, and was in the middle of sewing (haha ok ok I was only holding the fabric, P was using the machine!) and had decided I wouldnt go because miss made me giddy didnt want to go.

We had plans on Thursday to go get fabric for the cabana type cover we are making so that we can naked sunbathe in the backyard and prevent kids on trampolines from jumping up to look over the wall. We checked 2 stores 1st and both were closed/out of business! - damn - but we had a 3rd store that several people had recommended. At 1st we walked through it and didnt find what we were looking for, but had settled on some fabric we thought would work - and was 2.99 a yard - we needed 25 yards! As the lady was cutting our fabric we walked around a bit more and POOF right in front of us was the same color fabric we picked out, but was only 1.00 a yard! SOLD - it turns out this is the "pretty part" of a shower curtain - making it a lil more water resistant perhaps - the lady was nice even after cutting the other fabric she let us switch.

We then had my 1st lunch at Joe's Crab Shack .. OMG YUM! I had some amazing pasta, in a yummy alfredo sauce w/shrimp .. I will definitely go back sometime for the crab!!

After getting home we decided on how to cut the fabric - 25 yards, for those that do not know, is 75 feet .. there was A LOT of fabric! 3 of the panels are over 160 inches wide lol and 2 were just over 50, and we decided all needed hemmed to protect the edges. P was our sewer and it was funny as at one point he asked of I wanted to take over ... I laughed and reminded him about what happened last time they handed me a "power tool", he quickly decided it was not worth the risk of me breaking the sewing machine ..

After several hours we still had one (the longest!) panel to go .. and it was after the start of coffee time so I asked, can we finish tomorrow .. Id like to go to coffee .. and YAY it was ok!

I still am not really "enjoying" coffee ... it was nice that the roomies came and I had someone else to sit with .. a couple times ive been ive found myself sitting or standing alone and I get very uncomfortable. I do enjoy afterwards that several of us go out to eat and Ive got them going to my favorite place, Village Inn!! YUMMY pancakes and hot fudge sundaes!! (thats another post some day in and of itself! lol) but its still getting used to trying to be social.

Friday when we tried to finish that last panel it was nothing but grief .. running out of bobbin thread, running out of thread in general, the machine jammed twice .. P said, if we had just finished last night it would have taken 15 minutes and we would have been done .. yay me for making things more difficult again :( .. i also at coffee repeated something i shouldnt really have and that sent me right back into the "I am doing everything wrong" state .. it just makes me think being social is not such a good idea afterall ...

we will see ... for now I am going to shut down, shut up .. id like to recluse away but I have to go to Bizarre Bizaar today. I dont really want to anymore, I was excited, but am afraid of how the day will turn out now .. this is typical for me when anything comes up. I hate it, but its just how I am wired.

Details this week on how that all goes!

HNT ~ PINK!

2010-04-08T09:04:00.004-07:00

*smiles*

This was getting ready at
Southwest Leather Conference!

*meow purr*
I love my pink hair and kitty ears!

Its only April ..

2010-04-06T11:13:00.004-07:00

*giggles* Yes I am going to say it .. "it was hot out" lol

It really wasnt that bad, but I did turn on the AC in my car for the 1st time since I bought it April 1, 2004. There have been warmer days, that it wasnt turned on for .. but as I was stuck in traffic yesterday, I realized that the black car is soooo going to reflect lots of heat when it does get really hot!!

I decided to go license my car yesterday. 1st I had to to get an emissions test, not a big deal but damn it cost 30.00 freaking bucks! On the way I was on the phone and realized I needed gas, and that I hadnt really looked up any directions. So I hung up and stopped at a gas station. As I am there I realize, hey I have about 2 hits of smoke stashed under the seat. Since I am not sure what emission testing entails, I thought I had better stash that stash somewhere else. I reached under the seat and ... OH SHIT?! Where is it??? I got out of the car, leaned and looked and could find nothing. I started frantically reaching under with my hand and .. fuck fuck fuck .. where was the baggie???? I started to panic a little. I thought .. maybe it had flown out the day before, or maybe the roomie had found the stash and took it away! ( I am on restriction after failing the drug test and not getting the new job! Im not smoking the secret stash, its just there for emergencies lol )

I KNEW I would get to the emissions place and they would look right down and find it, but I couldnt so I decide I must leave and just pray .... There were 4 lines at the emissions place, all of them long, so I picked lane 3. Had to sit in line about 15 minutes. As I was waiting I continually kept reaching down and hoping the baggie would magically appear .. and YES!!!! IT DID!!!! It had gotten stuck into the slider thingies the seat moves on :) YAY!!

When you finally get to the testing spot , they sit you in a lil booth whilst you wait for the testing to be done. It got a lil warm during all this waiting, but finally it was done and yes I PASSED!

It was a lil warm now ..

Then off to the DMV ... I had searched and searched and even tried to call before heading out, but could not find if they took credit/debit cards so I thought rather safe than sorry, I would stop at Wal-Mart, which I had to pass anyways, and use the ATM since I knew it was the one with the least expensive fees ( thats a whole nother bitch session for me about having to pay to get my own damn money out!)

I was feeling pretty lucky at this point, the emissions was smooth and easy, the baggie was found AND now I had front door parking at Wallys .... except as I got out of the car I remember that the day before someone wanted something out of my purse, and for the 1st time in years I did not have that item in my purse - I hadnt switched it when I changed purses 2 nights before. I always change my purses out and have a particular handful of stuff that ALWAYS gets changed with .. but no .. I had decided that I didnt need that stuff at the dinner party, and so it wasnt in the new purse. Unfortunately one of those always have things was my bank debit card.

SOOOOOO OK ... I was very close to home and had no choice, I was going to go home and get it, and start again. Simple .. right? Uh yeah no ... I turned on to the street to go home and AFTER you turn there is a sign that says "road work until 4-16-10 - expect back up and delays" - the 6 lane road was down to 1 lane each way .. and backed up!!! A less than 10 minute trip turned into almost 20, maybe close to 30!

It got a lil warmer out now

As I finally reached my street ... FUCK .. the big truck thingy that flattens out the blacktop they were laying was right in front of my turn!! and they wouldnt let me in!!! I had to go several blocks farther down to go even more blocks down to come into the house the back way ...

NOW it was getting a lot warmer out .. and the AC came on!

I got home, got my debit card .. and back out on the adventure we went ( remembering to leave the back way so I was to avoid the heavy construction traffic!)

I made it back to WallyWorld .. but no front door parking this time. I also decided once I was in there to pick up some PEPSI!! I had drank the last one the night before, so this was actually good I remembered!

Got the cash. Not knowing how much it would be, I pulled 150.00 out of the machine and then off to the DMV we went!

As expected the line was LONG just to get to the information table. Once there ( about 10 minutes) I was given a number ... J654 - and they were on J640 *GREAT* this would be awhile. I actually was out of there in about an hour and a half .. not as bad as I thought it was going to be really lol and I was damn happy surprised that for a 2 yr plate it was ONLY 47.00!!! That was less than what I paid for 1 yr in NE!!! ( same with the DL .. 20.00 and its good for 25 years!!)

During the trip back from home to the ATM I had stopped at McDonalds .. I was a little shocked that my 1.99 happy meal in omaha was 3.69 here in mesa .. damn all mighty! It's a good thing ive practically given up fast food since ive moved .. its a lil pricier!!

Anyways .. ive been telling people that I probably will bitch and complain and moan a lot this summer that its HOT out .. but I am happy I will never have to do all that about it being to cold or snowy out again!!!

Want your very own Lelo Lilly?? Check out this contest!!

2010-04-05T10:12:00.004-07:00

Sooo I was reading this awesome review by Nicole,
over at toywithme.com, about the new Lelo Lilly -
an amazing (and cute!) lil vibe!!

Now I really really want one!!
I have added it to my "thing I want" list!

There is even a contest going on to win one!!

If you would like to enter to win this hot lil vibe yourself
just head on over to toywithme.com to learn how!

(but dont enter TOO many times I want to win!)
(LOL jusssssst kidding!)

Practice what we preach ...

2010-04-05T08:32:00.002-07:00

Soooo this weekend we attended 2 dinner parties. One really laid back and one was laid back but there seemed to be a bit of tension in the air (3 other couples, me single, and each had other stuff "on their plates" that built tension)

As I am at each party, my need to serve is screaming inside of me to be acknowledged, however, the nilla in me, the scared, shy, nervous, I do everything wrong, girl, won out and made me sit there quietly and almost "shut down"

In my profiles and "about me" sections of different sites, I list myself as the happy go lucky submissive girly girl. I know what I want, and need, to function in life .. most of that relating around my submissive behaviors/traits. However, when it comes to practicing that, I just "melt".

It has become very frustrating. I've been trying to make myself more social since I moved, as there is a very active community here, but it's yet another thing I feel like a failure at. I feel like everything I do is wrong, so I get back into the old train of thought "you don't need it, eliminate it and then you cant be wrong or get hurt" - we all know (if you read my blog lol) that I systematically eliminate things from my life to avoid the hurt/loss/frustration that comes along with it. No relationships, no friends, no games .. I just want to recluse from the world, and convince myself I am "happy" that way.

I have many people that come to me regularly for advice, and I can preach out some pretty damn good advice most of the time (Ive even been called the Dr Phil of the lifestyle a couple times and miss subbie101 lol) ... thing is, I can dish it, most of the time (and I do not say this vainly!!) I am told "you are right" or "I should have listened, you were right" (and for most people I do try and not say I told you so, but there is a friend or 2 that I force that issue so that listen next time!)

I know what to do, most of the time I even know how to do it .. many wonderful people in my life have provided me with the tools I need .. I just so often fail to pick them up and use them. It's easier to hide away. It's easier to live in my "misery" that it is to face the fear to get to where I need or do what I need to do to be happy.

Ive been told, and agreed, that I need direction .. but .. there is a part of my "perfectionism" that says I should just be able to do it. I shouldn't have to ask ( because I'm to damn shy to ask!!), or learn how, or be told .. I expect I know, I should just DO! It's a very frustrating cycle Ive put myself in.

At the same time, I get looked "down upon" sometimes because I say I need direction, almost I think sometimes some micro-managing would really help me get passed the resistance, and the frustrating cycle I am in .. I have no will power to put myself where I need to be.

It was just like my move to Arizona. Ive been trying 5 years and couldn't manage to make myself do it. Finally someone "gave me direction" they didn't just say "move you can do it" they "pushed me" and "made me do it" - while there is a lot of drama in az to contend with, it overall has been one of the best things for me. It IS what I expected and wanted, and as for the drama, I believe we are placed in peoples lives for a reason, either a lesson of our own, or a lesson to be learned from me or perhaps even both .. so really in the end, its all good ... I have meltdowns but I think they are needed to put my thoughts back into some organized state in my head.

I am thankful, and grateful, for all the "direction" I am being given right now. The friends of mine who I am "listening to and in the middle of their drama" asked me how I was, they apologized for placing in me in the middle and i said ya know .. it's oddly enough more of a comfort zone for me, it makes things real, it's what I am used to .. if everything around me was "perfect and OK" Id probably feel more out sorts than I do lol so its all good

life is good really .. and I am really working on coming out of my recluseivness :) so i can actually practice what i preach!

venturing out was ok ...

2010-04-02T10:19:00.003-07:00

So coffee with everyone turned out to be ok .. I didnt die from being social lol

A very sweet person, one of the 1st people I met when I 1st started coming to Arizona, was in line with me when I was getting the yummy carrot cake, and he picked up the tab ... THAT was very very nice, since I had already picked out 2 pieces, so I could take one home to the one who makes me "giddy" ~ *smiles* ~ which she enjoyed it for breakfast!

Several of us went to a Village Inn after coffee ... VI has the best pancakes which I had been missing since the move. People kept taking me to Denny's and IHOP (I hate IHOP and Denny's just arent as good!), so I was excited about going to VI!

When we 1st arrived the host/waiter was JUST about to get off work, and about had a pissy stroke when I said a party of 10 ... he copped an attitude (which almost got worse when 2 more tables of 5 came in right after us and he had to take them too!) Another in our party pointed this out to the manager, who quickly rectified the situation. Waiter boy still at 1st made a couple "id like to go home can we hurry this up please" comments but by the end realized that we would be a fun bunch and nice good service was going to get him everywhere, including a good tip. He even came outside and smoked with the group (out of 9 of us I was the only non-smoker! so waiter boy took my place in the smoking spot!)

I feel bad I still dont just go up to people and offer hugs and hello's .. I think most know I am the shy one and will come over and "get me" - sometimes I just smile and send a wave over their way ... but its getting a little better!

Perhaps I will venture out again next week too!

HNT ~ venturing out

2010-04-01T16:49:00.005-07:00

Yes .. Im going to do it,
venture out for coffee
tonight with the local community.
It's crazy, I kinda hate being social
but people tell me its good for me lol

One nice thing is that the coffee place has a most
incredible carrot cake that I shall get to enjoy!

It's been a weird, not sure if good or not kinda day ...
a lil drama here and there,
but I guess I am getting used to that
(what else can I do, right?)

I did get my nails done, and even got some
painted design on them!!
Which is what we are using for HNT today :)

Lions and Tigers and Bears .. oh... wait, this is Arizona

2010-03-31T09:28:00.004-07:00

2010 has been the most wild ride so far. Im not exactly sure its been all "good" but as usual I am surviving ( whether I want to or not lol)

One thing that has been fabulous is the move to Arizona. Most of you know Ive waited 5 long years for this to happen, and to be honest, it probably still wouldnt have happened had someone not just fell into my life and made it happen. I hope she (and her husband!!!!) really know how grateful I am for all they did, and continue to do, to make this a success.

I never expected my move to Arizona to "fix" my life .. I did maybe hope somewhere along the line though that it would make it easier, less complicated, less ... well, less a personal struggle. Its been anything but that, as some of my post have previously shown.

One of the great things I always preached about was the lifestyle and community. Sadly some that has come back to bite me in the ass. Trusting people, befriending people, believing in the community .. many of which have lead to nothing but backstabbing, drama, and utter turmoil for the "emotional me" - I cant talk to anyone at all about anything because everything gets repeated and turned into something other than what I really said. Its even been insinuated more than once that I have "done something i shouldnt with other peoples partners" - granted, some of these people dont REALLY know me, but the thought that someone believes ive cheated, or even flirted the wrong way with their SO, hurts ... it hurts really bad. I would never in a million years be that person - I lost a love in my life when he decided to cheat on me ... I simply could not ever cause that pain for someone else. ever. I know the issue lies with the other people, but i always so desperately seek approval ..and lately it seems like everything I do is either wrong, or accused of being wrong and there is no winning.

I am not good at living with people either, a month in and I still tip-toe around the house. I know thats all on me, but I am not sure how to deal with it or get past it, other than to move out. There is a part of me ready to go tomorrow, and a part of me that wants to stay a little longer. Some days I am not even really sure I am wanted here (yes I may create that in my own head too, but ...i dunno) again it feels like everything I do is just wrong. I tried to help with yardwork, and accidentally sawed through a large heavy ext. cord.. cutting power to several places in the house too. I did this, I did that .. all not the way they do it .. which, its not that ive been scolded or anything like that .. most of the time no one says anything at all, but I create it in my head. I want to just hide away and not have to deal with anything because it is all coming out wrong.

Im so struggling to maintain ....

the sun is fabulous though. This part of Arizona I had no doubts about, it has been what i expected - and yes, I know its going to get hot .. and yes, i will probably complain at times "god damn its hot out" but it will just be a passing complaint .. I love the heat, the sun, the warmth , i need it to survive. I still am not convinced that i would have survived out this winter season in the cold and snow .. I believe Ms Universe knew that too and answered my prayers to make things fall into place (even if it was not done in a nice way!)

I am sure there is lesson in all this .. the drama, the backstabbing, the tip toeing, the accusations, my own emotional setbacks .. I am probably not doing "the best i can" but only what I know how to do .. which is often detrimental *and wrong!* but .. im here .. loving the sun and Arizona :)

faery tale happy endings .. worth all the realities of hurt?

2010-03-19T23:50:00.004-07:00

Im not really sure where this post is going to go ... I started the blog as an outlet. I need to journal, I need vent and get things out .. sometimes I just need to talk out loud. When I do that, I have a need for it to be "heard" .. its a quirky thing that has gotten me in trouble for as many years as I can remember..diaries, journals, scribbles of thoughts ..all found and read and freaked out upon for what I think and feel .. so I stopped. Not just the writing and journaling, but even the feelings .. I found it easier to deny myself things that to deal with the feelings that go along with them. Most know I dont play games because I dont like to lose ... I dont like to lose because I usually am losing because I suck at the game. I hate sucking. I hate not just being able to do things. I hate not being able to be on the outside, who and what I am on the inside. I stopped having friends, I stopped having lovers, I stopped wanting and convinced myself there is no need....even my will and understanding of why I am alive in the 1st place .... for 25 yrs ive really just wanted to die..not in a suicide kinda way ... i dont want to kill myself .. i just dont want to be here to have to deal with this all anymore. Ive had more tantrums that my poor hear can count, where I have laid crying in hysterics begging a god I do not believe in to just let me die. Funny how that is the one prayer that never gets answered. I slipped recently. I allowed myself to feel ... as it happened I told myself to stop ..dont let it happen pixie ... enjoy the moment but let the rest go. While all this was going on the Universe has been answering my other prayers, but in a nasty not so nice way. I keep being told "there is reason" "learn the lesson" "make the change" - and I am trying .. Ive spent the last 6 weeks of my life living like Ive never allowed myself to live before ..including those damn feelings. Ive had small meltdowns along the way but ive put myself into a situation i cant even allow myself those right now ... I keep telling myself, its going to be ok .. go with it .... its not really ok though. everything i am doing is wrong. everything i always do is wrong. i do not know how to exist anymore ... i am not strong and i am tired of surviving - i am tired of pretending .. i am just so tired, drained, lost .. and perhaps even everyone thinks a drama queen when i get like this ... but ... yeah .. i dunno .. its just where i am today

so i wonder ...is the faery tale happy endings we seek really worth all the realities of hurt it takes to get there....

HNT ~ Sunny Arizona!

2010-03-04T18:05:00.004-07:00

My 1st Day in sunny Mesa Arizona was 75 degrees!!

Of course I had to take Ms Miata out for a spin top down!!

I even had to stop and take the sweater off!!!

I love Arizona!!

Happy HNT!!

HNT ~ what I found packing!

2010-02-25T21:24:00.004-07:00

SO! OMG! I am moving in about 24 hours!
This is a day I really never thought would come, but here it is!

As I was packing I found one of my favorite pair of SHOES!!

They match my polish ... PURPLE!
(though its hard to tell in the picture!)

It's official ~ Arizona or BUST!

2010-02-22T00:24:00.004-07:00

The 27th I will be on the road to my new life in Arizona. It was March 2000 when I moved back to Omaha with the intent of leaving for Arizona shortly afterwards - HA - 5 yrs later here it is finally happening. I am petrified and excited all at once. I dont know whats really going to happen, everything I am doing is so out of my comfort zone, its all so new, so challenging. Ive not become overwhelmed since the 1st packing moments, but we will see how the next 4 days go. On the 5th day i will be loading the U-Haul and on the 6th day it will be ARIZONA OR BUST!

*please dont let me bust*

Almost there .. its going better than I thought!

2010-02-20T17:15:00.004-07:00

WOW! Can you believe it??

I can't!!

I thought packing would be much much worse
than it has been. The faeries were not as daunting
a task as I thought they would be.
I have used aprox. 1000 feet of bubble wrap!

and yes, I still need a bit more!!
Im guessing 2 more rolls, 300 feet, should do it :)

There are 11 tubs.
9 boxes.
I figure when all is said and done I will
have to have about a total of 10 more combined.

I accidentally put everything in front of the desktop
sooo I will have to pack that up after I move stuff lol

I expect Tuesday at the latest it should all be packed.
Ready to go.

OMG!

I can't I can't I can't ....

2010-02-19T18:35:00.003-07:00

I have lots of "reasons" why I've not been able to move to Arizona .. or do anything in my life really. Some call them 'excuses' - and some are. Some are not, but I can justify all of them. Im good at that.

I've been forced to make decisions lately. Forced to live outside of my comfort zone. Forced to make changes. I'm trudging along, but feel myself sinking deeper and deeper, making it harder to keep going. I've really only had one big melt-down, which wasnt even that big because I was trying to hide the fact I was melting down.

In my frantic need for "support" , I have been sharing with everyone my plans for my job, my packing, my move. One person pointed out to me the other day that for every step in my process, I had a list of "I can'ts"

I cant drive the Uhaul cross country
I really cant do it towing my car
I cant pack alone
I cant work days / do sales / wear professional clothes
I cant leave my mom
I cant move and be alone
I cant leave my kitty
I cant live with people

I can't I can't I can't ....

I can't live through another winter. That is the real I can't. That is the "I can't" that is my motivation to complete the biggest task of my life.

I want to say I can .. I don't want to fail however. I don't want to lose. I don't believe I can do it. I've repeatedly failed, why is it different this time?

There is something different this time. There is someone different. Someone who has not only verbally motivated and encouraged me, but has physically taken time, effort, and energy to help me succeed. I've told her Thank You - but I can't (haha there it is again!) ever begin to truly express my gratitude. I would not be as far as I am in this process without her support.

I've gotten past 1 of the "I can'ts" by asking for help. Thats not something I am good at, but I have asked for some. Then I get told by others who do not understand, that my asking for help and just not doing the things on my own, that I am still "coping out" I am giving in to my "I cants" but .. I dunno. If I do not, I may not succeed .. and I want to succeed more than anything this time.

Im working on the "I can I can I cans"

HNT ~ Bubblewrap

2010-02-18T00:31:00.005-07:00

In honour of my move
I am dedicating this HNT to PACKING!

Dont you wanna go POP POP POP!?

Happy HNT!

I DID IT!

2010-02-17T11:11:00.004-07:00

The box is packed and I am still alive :)

Now just a 100 more or so to go!

I want to be packed and ready to go by Feb. 28th

Wish me LUCK - cuz I really need it!

harder than I thought ...

2010-02-17T10:22:00.003-07:00

Im sitting here in a panic attack - crying - cant breathe - gasping - scared -

Why? I pulled the very first official items down to start packing. I had started a couple boxes 2 weeks ago, and another 2 this week - but really I just thrown piddly stuff in them. Now I look in them and see I didnt really "pack" anything at all. I have went through and got rid of a bunch of stuff, but none of it has been real packing.

Until now.

I just taped a box and put my bedroom bells into it. As I reached for the 1st ones on the wall, I just started crying. Im scared. OMG I am really going to rapidly through myself into this situation that I have longed for, for so long! As bad as I want it, it fills me with so much fear that I just shut down and cant function. I don't know that I can do this. I cant pack. I cant move. I cant do the new jobs I am applying for. I cant live with people to get me started. I cant I cant I cant.

It leads me right back to my choices post from this morning. It's all a choice. Physically I CAN do all those things. I am just not sure how to do them or handle them, emotionally. Maybe the choice is harder because I simply just do not know HOW to do it.

ok - yes - I have to breathe to think - Im thinking now, so I am breathing .. almost not crying - still scared as freaking hell ....

going to try and put more things in this box now ....

smile .... or not. It's all my choice

2010-02-17T09:25:00.003-07:00

I was a typical low self esteem, thought life was unfair and terrible, just wanted to die teenager. I spent many a day/night crying in hysterics, begging a God I do not even believe in, to just let me die. Did I really want to? Maybe. If I would have known a way to do it, without it causing pain, I might have done it. I didn't know about sitting in a running car in the garage back then. The thought of pain makes me faint, I would never have gotten very far in trying to take my life.

As I got into my early 20s, I decided I just couldn't live that way anymore. I needed to die, or smile.

I happen to be one those "over thinking, got to break down and analyze everything" kinda people and decided almost overnight that, feeling that way was just a choice. I could continue to let myself feel miserable everyday, or I could choose to smile. Choose to be happy. Choose to enjoy what I had in front of me, no matter how bad it seemed. While the realization came to me almost overnight, the act of doing so certainly did not.

I took on my "smile and believe" attitude though and wore it out in "public". When people would say "Hi, How are you?" - I would lie. Tell them I am great, life is good! and I would SMILE! I happen to be starting my career path as a customer service agent around that time as well, where I was learning to always say please, thank you, have a nice day ... That becomes ingrained not only in the office, but in the rest of the world too. 20 some years later, I still get surprised reactions from people waiting on me when I say "thank you and have a nice day" when we are done. Eventually it became the "instinctive" choice, it became "2nd nature" to put on that smile when I walked out the door - eventually I started believing it! Most of the time, I really was happy -

But was I? Did that really make anything different or better? I have to say yes and no. It's certainly not a "fix" for what is really happening in life. However, it still all comes down to choice. We can choose to be happy, we can choose to smile, we can choose to believe that we really feel that way or not. Life is what it is. We choose to be ok with how it is, or not. It may not always be the easiest, best situation .. and there are of course times when it's going to get the best of us and we have to have a melt down, but we have to choose to come back together again.

Winter is harder for me than other times of the year. I firmly believe for me the sun makes a huge difference in my ability to choose the smile or the frown. I choose and allow myself to spend more days crying and wanting to give up in the winter months. I get very frustrated with myself over that, but sometimes even with the best of intentions, our choices are difficult and we don't always make the right one.

Im trying to get past that right now. I am making a choice to wallow in my misery of 2010 misfortunes. I want to smile, and be positive and move on with my life. but I am not doing it. I am choosing to sit here and cry and wanting to give up and "praying" that it will just some how fix itself. I know it wont.

So .. to smile or not to smile. That is my choice. I need to decide quickly.

Decisions Decisions Decision ... a vicious cycle.

2010-02-15T10:53:00.004-07:00

This has been, and I hope not always will be, one of the hardest things I deal with. I don't like to, and will avoid at all cost, having to make decisions .. about anything. This evolves when a majority of decisions in your life always seem to be the wrong one. I've become perfectly happy, content, suck it up with others decisions, because its easier than being told to decide, and then have it be wrong.

Some of the poor decisions are really out of ones control. You are asked what you want to eat, you pick something, but it wasnt what THEY wanted, and so it becomes the "wrong choice" - As a submissive natured person, this is a huge struggle when it comes to serving. We desperately want to "get it right". This can put us in the ultimate trap of trying to guess or say or do "the right thing" as well, and it becomes a vicious cycle.

2010 has started out very rocky. Some of it seems out of my control, yet there were decisions that could have been made better, that in the long run would have avoided this rocky start. At the same time, the rocky road is what I needed to force myself to make some needed decisions. Now of course the decisions are huge, and I am avoiding them at all cost .. I want to curl up and just let life disappear so I dont make another bad decision.

Last night, Valentines Day, I flew home from Arizona where I just had just spent a fabulous week, and had many decisions thrown at me. Some I graciously made, others I stressed out about and ultimately did not make the decision. When I landed it was snowing - hard blowing blizzard condition snowing. OK I thought, no interstate, I will drive the long way - Ive had 2 snow related accidents on the interstate in the snow, 1 just barely 2 yrs ago, so .. I made a decision to take the "safe way" home.

As I was driving home I realize Ive been gone a week and have NO food in my house. Maybe I will stop at something along the way .. its 12am. As I am driving down the main drag, I see a Wendys, closed - - and I start to think, this is the last place along this route, should I go the extra few blocks to taco bell ... I decide no, its way to slippery out and I should just deal and go home.

Then I get to another main road/cross section and remember there is a Wendys on that street, which also turns to my house, and so ok .. I will check as some stay open until 1am ... but no, as I get there - they are closed too. So ok, up to my street I go.

On the way I know I am going to pass the street that goes to Taco Bell - but no, I again decide, its just not worth the risk. I keep driving. As I come upon the road however I say to myself, oh hell its just a few blocks and it hasnt been too bad driving when I stayed slow ... Barely 3 blocks down and BAAAM CLUNK SLIDE & TIP!!! Details and pics on that are in the previous blog post.

I started immediatly cursing myself . If I had just listened. If I had just not wanted Taco Bell. I told myself over and over on that drive home, it really wasnt ok to go ... but at the last second I had said "oh your being silly NAME just go" and turned ...

As I was in the car crying and yelling at myself I got very wrapped up in why 2010 was going this way. What did I do, why is the lesson so hard, I cant do it .. I just want this all so to end. I cant deal with all this. The decisions are over powering my sense of capability in making them.

Im lost in this one. I was doing really well in my week in Arizona. I was forced to make decisions and for the most part, all seemed to be going well .. and then something as little as making the turn at the last minute instead of just going home, was a huge wrong decision and it sets back everything I am trying to decide on now for my life.

blah - yes I am going with my decision right now to go take a nap. Ive not quite recovered yet from the emotional trauma this accident really caused but bits and pieces of this post were forming in my head and I needed to get it down.

Did I mention I fucking HATE SNOW!?

2010-02-15T00:45:00.011-07:00

SO - We most all know that I flew to Arizona

to celebrate my 40th Birthday - It was the best birthday!

I booked my flight back to Omaha on Valentines Day.
Several times during the trip I thought, I want to stay!
Even if just a few more days ... But no ...
I needed to come home and pack so off I went to the airport

I landed in a blizzard
(sorry this is sideways I dont know how to edit to turn it!)

I know I have no food at home
I know Ive been awake all day after 3 hours of sleep
and I decided I was hungry. Taco Bell was sorta on the way
but .... it was getting a lil slippery, I decided no Taco Bell

Until of course I got to the corner I would turn on and at
the very last second made a sharp turn and decided I DID
want my beloved Taco Bell - it would be ok!

*sighs* barely 3 blocks down the Taco Bell Road
I hit a pot hole in hidden in the dark and snowy road.
A deep blow your tire kinda pot hole.

I went flying and ended up almost tipping over as the front
end of the car buried itself into a high snow drift!!!

It's hard to see but I am tipped pretty far to the driver side.
I forgot to take a pic but the back passenger tire is off the ground at least a foot!

I was in a state of freaked-outedness
I got out of the car thinking I would push it out myself!
The driver door got stuck on the street, I couldnt open it all the way.
and HA! all I did was sink into the snow drift - to my knees!

Yes, now I am cold, wet and want to cry.

I am cursing at myself because once again,
I made a wrong decision. I knew I should not have
made that turn to go to Taco Bell!

I texted Arizona 1st.
Then I called a tow - truck and started the crying.
Then I called my mommy. Who came out to get me.
Then called Boston and really just freaked out.

While waiting for mom, TowTruck calls
YAY THEY ARE COMING ...right?!
NO - 2-3 hours is the new wait time from 60 minutes.

*sighs* I want to cry more

Mom comes and we are debating what to do.
yes, she even offered to still take me to Taco Bell!
(but damn it they were closed by now!)

THEN!

FINALLY!! YES A Good Samaritan!!
Only 1 of aprox 7 cars stopped to see if I was OK!
In his scrubs and stethoscope, along with mom, they PUSHED
and freed poor Ms Miata from the snow bank!!! YAY!!!

In the end the only real damage is the blown tire!

HNT ~ Birthday Spankings!

2010-02-10T19:25:00.005-07:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO PIXIE!!
On Sunday Feb 7, 2010 pixie turned 40!

I was invited to Arizona with acquaintances
who have now become very dear friends to me.

We had an impromptu party with 9 people
8 gave me 5 spankings each!!
Some were nicer than others LOL

After the beautiful spankings (we forgot to take pics!)
my ass was a beautiful cherry red!!

They then put me up on their "Entertainment Wall"
where I enjoyed some paddling, flogging, caning, cropping
and some "ings" I was not even familiar with!!

This is actually 3 days later *smiles*

(clicky clicky)

I used this for HNT since I had some clothing on *winks*
but do make sure to enjoy the "clicky clicky"

Happy HNT
\

I did it and I am still alive ...

2010-02-08T16:18:00.004-07:00

This has been an interesting new year for me. Maybe somewhat (haha) unwillingly, I have been making lots of change. Well, I guess not all of it is change, perhaps its a momentary growth, but even in the simplest of things, such as I ate spinach in an omlette today, its quite big for me.

YES! OH MY GOD I ate spinach. I am staying at someones house, and I ASKED if I could. I got up and peed at 5am. I went to the park with one of my host. I attended an event "alone". I played in fire. I talked to people on the phone. I went way beyond any play Ive even been in before - Isnt it pretty!

The list really goes on and on and on right now ... and guess what. I am still alive. Breathing (although sometimes rapidly in a panic lol). And wanting more *smiles*

The time is now

Pixies 40th Birthday Princess Tiara

2010-02-05T09:19:00.005-07:00

YAAAY!
Pixies Turning the big 40 on Feb 7th!!

I was officially bestowed my 40th Princess Tiara
from my dear friend Lady Serendipity!

Its sparkling and lights up and has fur!!
(all things she KNEW i would love!!)

HNT ~ Shameless Plug

2010-02-04T01:33:00.006-07:00

As part of a promo for his website, @saynine
had some of us make some fun promo art
by putting his link on our bodies!!

I was technically a little more than Half Nekkid
buuuuuut I dont think anyone will mind ;)

(clicky clicky)

This was one of my entries!

Be sure and check it out!!
There are some really great post
on Aftercare, Poly Lifestyle, and more shameless plugs!!!

HAPPY HNT!

2010, Turning 40, Community, Change ...

2010-02-03T00:03:00.003-07:00

Im adding this picture after the post -
It's a birthday present from someone who cares
a lot about me, and has always put time, effort, and energy
into trying to help me have the happiest journey in life I can.
The bracelets say "Imagine" "Love" "Believe"

As this New Year 2010 rolled in, all sorts of "life crashing" events started happening. In a way I was expecting it. In many ways, some of it I asked for ( literally ). That old quote "Be careful what you wish for" .. yeah, I get suckered by that one all the time. I did complain for several days that damn, I just cant believe how crappy the new year was starting out.

This was a little different though. I had asked my Goddess to push me. To force my hand in the situation of change. I pleaded for help to do the things I wanted, that I have needed to do. No matter how bad it got, i simply did not have the strength to do on my own.

As usual it came crashing through. My help would not be handed to VIA the Easy Button :| - Ive been fired during a recession, from a job I couldnt afford really to lose. My car was broken in to, Sonic ran out of Bananas ( YES THIS WAS A TRAGEDY AT THE TIME!!), my unemployment could be denied ( its 4 weeks I know nothing yet!) and lots of other little things.

The whole grand plan of this misery is to force me past my fear of change. My misery needs to be greater than my fear. I am not sure why exactly moving is so scary. The only major thing I can thing of is I have never truly "lived alone" - ive always had a mother or a husband/boyfriend available, just in case. Excuse or legitimate reason, I dunno.

Now I want to embark to a community where my first reaction is, omg I will be alone. There will be no one to take care of me if I need it. There is not anyone I can call and say, im in a bad day, please bring me McDonalds, or milk, or whatever.

Then I spent SWLC weekend with "my community" and once again I remembered why it is I am drawn and want to come there - They wont leave me alone. They will help if I just bring myself to ask. No, i dont expect like here that i will have someone doing my grocery shopping or running my errands like here, but i think if i am in a really bad spot, that i know i can ask and someone will try and help.

All that has been going on has made me realize, 40, year 2010, is going to my year of change. Since Jan 1 I have been living so out of my comfort zones. There are some minor side effects to that, Ive been in a constant state of anxiety, but .. im still breathing. Im still alive. I want the change.

Im packing, Im applying for jobs ...

Everyone in the community, known and unknown has shown me support and encouragement .. i cant even begin to express my appreciation. If i dont die from all this, its totally in thanks to all of you!!!

Roleplay .. or being the real me

2010-01-29T09:55:00.002-07:00

One of the prolific kinks in the BDSM lifestyle is Role Play. That can of course cover a wide range of kinks between consenting adults.

I've never really done any role play in the context of kink however. I want to. I think. I mean, there are definite things in my head I would like to explore, and some of that would involve role play, however, I just do not know .. how. I am afraid I would giggle through the entire scene!

When I was at a conference recently, one of the presenters, a Dominant and their slave, talked about how they had went through some of that. One day the Dom just informed the slave, tomorrow we are doing puppy play, leaving the slave no time to really research or gather information on how this task would be carried out (which normally as I understood was a natural thing for them to normally do!)

That "not knowing how" is kind of my issue. Ive never done it, Ive not really ever seen anyone else do it, I dont even know where to begin!

Then someone said to me "pixie, your whole life is role play. Perhaps you just need to be you, and you will find that whats in your head just comes out naturally" I was like, wow, that almost makes sense!! So, we will see what comes of that :)

Pixies Giddy

2010-01-29T08:48:00.003-07:00

SOOO .. Ok some of you have read my previous post where I just got done saying "I systematically removed poeple.things from my life" to try and eliminate future hurts. How's that working you might ask? Well, up until a week ago, it was fine and dandy. Then I was kissed. A simple sweet little kiss ... and that was the end of that.

I just spent another magical weekend at SWLC. There I was swept up in the WOO WOO and for the first time in a long time, I was getting attention. I liked it. At one point, I realized I liked it to much. I voiced outloud, no more of this Pixie Lee. You are just setting yourself up. ENJOY it, but do not get lost in the giddiness of it.

Yeah ... that lasted until the different offenders started texting, IMing, emailing me .. and then I would forget the enjoy part and move right to the giddy. Especially for one particular person.

It wasnt planned. It hadnt at any time crossed my mind. It was strange that I would even be in the place and time that I was that it happened. I had no idea it could, let alone would! The whole evening was like that really. Ms Universe can play in mysterious ways!

Now, normally I would never in a million years tell someone they had made me giddy, but some how I got roped into doing just that, by someone else. I was just writing a simple thank you for your hospitality email. I often have a tendency to write emails, say things, then delete them. But I was told no, go back and tell, so, I did. Now, omg the person KNOWS!! SHIT!!! NO WAY I will ever be able to talk to them again. but ... yet, thats exactly what I wanted to do.

OK once again, I told myself .. no pixie, you just so cant do this. Enjoy it, dont attach to it.

Then what do I do????? SHAMELESSLY FLIRT!!!! Oh Yes *smiles* I even asked please, when they asked for more giddiness. yes, yes I did.

*smiles* Then perhaps quite innocently, maybe it was quite intentional!, they referenced me as "little one" and I swear I crawled right out of my enjoy skin, back into my tummy dropping, squeeeeeeeeeeee , giddiness skin!!

Im very aware of it, and very prepared to be ok with ENJOY, but for as long as they keep exploiting my giddiness, who am I to deny it??? RIGHT??? *laughs*

Making myself small ...

2010-01-29T07:56:00.003-07:00

This is several broken up pieces of me, and things that have happened in the past few weeks, maybe years, but they kind of all fell together into something tonight. Though I admit, while I feel this need to put it out here, it may not make any sense at all.

Over the past few years, and stemming from a very early age, Ive never really had "a will to live". I cant place that value on people, and even things in my life, but, I sometimes just dont understand why with all the heartache and pain we suffer through, why we want to live? Most say they have husbands/wives/children/friends/family .. but, I can't say that I have any of that so far in my life that hasn't caused some form of pain/hurt.

Each time I go through something, I have systematically stopped including people/things in my life. No more pets, no more close friends, no more boyfriend/girlfriend, no more D/s relationships. Just live. smile. be happy. Try and fit in. I am not suicidal. I don't want to kill myself, but I feel sometimes I reached that point of not being able to take one more thing.

That part is not new, I've blogged about it recently before.

A few weeks ago when I lost my job, my heart sank for a different reason than most. I cant replace the work I was doing, and really my only experience is in a field I dont want to work in again, but will probably need to. For me, this is quite traumatic. To make it worse ( better ? ) I am going to move 1000s of miles away from the only constant "safe" Ive ever had. Ive never been truly alone.

A friend knowing these things pointed out that I really needed to find my passion. I said, I know my passion. I know that one thing that makes me want to be alive, but I cant have it. It wont support me. I don't have the energy, motivation, creativity, or even will power to make my passion be my life. I barely function as it is now in the "real world"

She proceeded to "correct me", suggesting that what I consider my passion, cant really be a passion. That I needed to find something else. She even sent me books talking about finding our passions ...(that really I am going to try and read!)

The first time I ever felt alive in my entire life was when I wandered into a submissive chat room in the summer of 1998. My whole life has been lived/raised in some sexual content, and thats all I was looking for when I went in, something I was familiar with. What I found was so much more. My passion, my life. my will to live. It was a place I felt comfortable in, and for the most part, is the only atmosphere environment I feel comfortable in to this day.

I was watching Greys Anatomy tonight, one of the "themes" of the episode happened to be about our passions. A large man, who was a singer, was going to possibly lose his ability to sing. He talked about how he spent his whole life trying to make himself look small, physically and emotionally, in order to be out in the world, but when he got on stage, to sing, he could be the loud, emotional, angry at the world fat man - and people loved him for it. and soon as he was off stage he went back to trying to be small again, trying not to be noticed. He told the Doctors, I dont want to live my life small. If I cant go on stage and sing, I dont want to live.

Being in my "drop" today after SWLC, I think I may have cried through the entire thing, and it really inspired this post.

My impending move to live in Arizona is something Ive wanted for 5 years. While the sun was the original motivator, the lifestyle and community I have found there surpasses any Ive ever found. I am alive there. An alive that may even help me get back to my creative, motivated, will powered person I want to be. I can't serve in this state (literally!!).

I am scared to be out of my safe normal misery. We are so often victims of finding it easier to live in our misery and fear, than branching out, taking chances, living the way we want to. I am as guilty of that as the next person. I want to change. I need to change.

I need this lifestyle, my passion. I dont want to make myself small, I want to live big!

Selfish Moments

2010-01-28T14:15:00.003-07:00

In one of the many post Ive made in the past few days in other forums, I talked about how as Ive been "hurt" by people/things in my life, I would try to avoid including that in my life anymore, whether it be love, D/s, friends .. I just become an anti-social hermit.

Im very aware of it. A few people stirred things in me over SWLC weekend however. I became giddy, excited, couldnt stop talking about people/things. After day 2 I said to someone, ok, Im done with this "attachment/giddy" process I am experiencing. I do not want to get hurt, I cant set myself up for that. So, I (tried!) to shut it off all day. (yeah uh huh until each one of them texted me, talked to me, paid attention to me!)

So .. in my moment of shut down, I was socializing with several people ... mostly Dominants (It was like being the old enough kid to sit at the adult table!). One of the lovely Dominants, who had allowed me to the honor of hanging around her all weekend as my safety blanket, made causal mention she wanted a foot massage. I dont believe it was directed at me, but I wanted to do it. I was sitting the closest to her, there was absolutely no reason I shouldnt reach out and make the offer. but I didnt.

Why? Well, I didnt want to get caught up in my own "need". I wanted so desperately to serve, to be submissive me, to feel that energy, but... I didnt want the feeling when it was over, of knowing it could be a long time before I get to experience the feeling again. I selfishly denied a Dominant a wish, a desire, to protect my own feelings.

I didnt have this realization until hours later unfortunately. She never got her foot massage, and I felt terribly guilty .. no, I felt disappointed. Disappointed in myself for being selfish, and scared she was disappointed in me as well. I felt scared that what IF she had directed it at me, without specifically directing it at me, and I had failed to respond. Of course once our own head starts with the "what if's" we can create ALL kinds of scenarios.

I was coming out of my shell in so many ways during SWLC, I decided I had to apologize to her. The thought of that scared me less than thinking she was disappointed in me. (yes, i so way over analyzed the whole situation lol)

The next morning, I by chance had a few minutes alone with her and I did find my voice and offered the apology. She told me that it was not directed at me at all, she wouldnt have expected to me to respond to it, and then she hugged me and told me I didnt need to apologize.

I still feel disappointed in myself for not offering the foot massage, but I do feel a bit "bigger in spirit" that I was able to apologize to her.

HNT ~ School Girls: Naughty or Nice?

2010-01-28T08:54:00.005-07:00

So this past weekend I attended the
Southwest Leather Conference
(and had a FABULOUS time!!)

This was one of several outfit changes

(clicky clicky)

This is what "Mom" approved
(good thing she didnt read my shirt 1st!
It says"Girls Lick Pussy Better!)

HAPPY HNT!

HNT ~ RED!

2010-01-20T18:59:00.006-07:00

As Ive been packing to get ready for
my trip to SWLC, I had to much in the suitcase!

So I started a trying on, whats cute, whats not fashion show!

We all agreed the RED outfit has to come :)

(this weeks clicky click will take to tweetphoto for the fashion show!)

This my new red patten leather Liz Clairborn purse
(found on clearance for $5.00!)

Mom got me the cute sun-glasses to match!

My former Mistress found me the awesome shoes at Zappos!
We were in Vegas and they had just opened a Zappos Outlet Store!!
WE HAD TO STOP! AND SHOP!!
(but um I could only find one of my shoes for the picture!)

sorry pics not the best ~ camera phone and mirrors!

HAPPY HNT :)

SWLC ~ Southwest Leather Conference

2010-01-20T09:06:00.005-07:00

YES!! It's that time of year again when I packing to head to

SWLC
Southwest Leather Conference!

It's held every January, about the 3rd weekend
and is one of the best events I attend every year!

Besides so many friends, and people I know, SWLC has
always provided me with a sense of a "welcoming" atmosphere
There are always great presenters and vendors and its just alot of fun!

As always, its less than 24 hours before my flights
and I have barely begun to pack!!

1st I had to decide on which suitecase.
Since I have to pay 20.00 (STUPID!) bucks for a bag
I decided on my BIGGEST!

Which sucks though maybe cuz it weighs the most
So may still end up switching to a smaller one!

All the fetish clothes are in there
(except shoes and accessories and toys!)

I might have to put on some "real" clothes occasionally
(the plane ride to and from?)

STAY TUNED!!

HNT ~ princess panties, pink fuzzy socks and mmmm oil

2010-01-13T19:27:00.006-07:00

So this week my luv, my twin, a piece of my rock, GrrlTragic
did her HNT on ME *giggles*
with the presents I shared for christmas!

I gave her, and my #wifey and myself
some fuzzy warm socks, and the most
yummiest smelling massage oil ever!
(Amber-Vanilla from RavenwoodSpa)

I decided to, I would do the same HNT!

here are my pink fuzzy socks...

& my oil ...

(clicky click)

being put to use :)

My 1st Review - The Pixie Glider

2010-01-11T23:07:00.004-07:00

I am jobless and I am about to turn 40 and everyone keeps telling me, do what you want to do. Do what makes pixie happy. Do what I am passionate for. I have one passion, thats my lifestyle. I dont have hobbies really, but I am committedly passionate about my lifestyle and kink. I love to vend, I love to attend events. I love to give advice. I love my lifestyle friends, who understand and get me.

So! To get me started, I decided I would start with my website, and my blog. Today I wrote my 1st toy review over at Eden Fantasy! Go check it out!! and then come back and leave comments telling me what you think! *giggles* please :)

The Pixie Glider

smile, believe, and fade away ...

2010-01-11T06:57:00.002-07:00

I as the typical suicidal, unhappy, life sucks teenager. Life wasnt necessarily "unfair", but its always been a struggle. Yes, I am more than perfectly aware that many many people have it much worse off than I can ever imagine. I also know there are others who have it much better.

From an early age Ive been real frustrated with what I call my "crash landings". It doesnt matter if its employment, finances, relationships, personal life ... I go down a pretty positive path, and then it comes to that crashing end, and its always something that is just so wildy bizzare or unfair. Sometimes things do need to be fair, but I am too small to fight it.

Over the past 25 yrs of this, with each new crash, I tell myself .. im done. I cant possibly deal with another thing. I just do not understand where to find the will to want to keep down this path. In 40 years its not changed, its not going to in the next 40 either, thats just how some paths are destined to be.

I dont have a desire to kill myself, I just dont have the desire to keep doing this. I gave up relationships, because that emotional cut has went to deep. I gave up friends, because not one has ever not burned me in the end. I know, those I adore online are now really questioning my sincerity of the friendships I share with them. You are all the exception to my "rule" - You all I need.

Now Ive experienced another crash, barely 5 yrs coming off the last one. Ive had my self empowerment shot down and destroyed by a job I so desperately needed in order to find some solace and joy in this misery I live in. Ive been reminded once again, that this is just my life. Ive been reminded once again, its always going to be like this. Ive been reminded once again, why I ask why.

Why? What is it that we strive to live for? Family, kids, our work ... I find absolutely nothing rewarding in any of those things.

Again, none of this is new ... When I was in my mid 20s I decided one day I didnt want to feel like that anymore. I told myself, everyday you will smile .. its a choice to be miserable and have a bad day. Its a choice to choose to smile, be positive and to share that with everyone.

Everyone, even me, loves that pretend person. She knows all the reasons we should smile, be happy, love ourselves and our lives. Problem is she can preach it a hell of a lot better than she lives it.

Ive wanted for more than 5 years now to move someplace where there was sun, warmth all year long. Vegas was originally my 1st love, but over time it became Arizona. I found poeple there I fit in with, besides my beloved sun. I had a job I loved however, and a mother whom I love and really does not want me to move away, so Ive put it off and put it off.

However, there is a much bigger reason why ive never moved. Because I know it will eventually come to that crash ending. I will fail. I always have good intentions, good plans, I do what I need to do and it just doesnt matter, it always ends bad.

Ive never truely been on my own. My mother has awlays been a phone call, a car ride away to take care of me, blah blah blah. The one time I moved 3 hours away, I moved with a couple who I was in a relationship with, and knew they would take care of me. Moving to Arizona, I have people I adore, but not anyone who would "take care of me"

I dont want to move and fail. I dont think I can physically or emotionally make it through another winter.

I want to just fade away.

I thought I lived in the US of A ...

2010-01-08T09:15:00.003-07:00

So for a few years now many have heard me "stand on my soap box" about how the corporate world has started treating employees really no better than slaves. If I am not mistaken, we outlawed several many years ago. Employers however are able to dictate our personal lives, outside the office and off the clock. Dont comply? You are beaten! - well beaten down anyways, they fire you.

No smoking, no over eating allowed, because if you smoke or are fat, 1. you cost them more for insurance and 2. it could make them look bad. #2 in the end is really where the invasion of my privacy comes in. If I in no way speak of or bring my companies name into my outside activities, then they should have no right to dictate my activities.

Sadly that is not the case and more and more companies are instilling "moral" clauses into their employee handbook. There is hardly an employer that does not do a full Internet search on you before they hire you. Is that fair? Absolutely not. There is a law protecting us from former jobs giving bad info about us to a new employer .. Why doesnt my personal life need the same protection??

Not too long ago a teacher was fired on the East Coast. Why? Because several years ago she went on a trip to a foreign country, and OMG she had a beer in a pub. A friend took a picture, she looked cute! but had a beer in her hand. She posted that pic on her facebook site. The school somehow eventually saw it and ruled that was inappropriate. POOF just like that, no more job. In her case of being a teacher, she will probably have a hard time ever getting another teaching job in that state.

and it's not even just the USA. In the UK not too long ago a woman called in sick to work. During her "work hours" she updated her facebook status .. and she was fired. Boss said, if you can FB, you can work.

There are 100s of stories like this out there, and I just became the latest victim. For about the past 18 months my employer has made it blatantly clear they would like to see me gone. This is because I refused to smile and say that I thought my company was great and did everything right. They want robots, not human beings. Because I happen to be a top employee, they really had no valid grounds to terminate me. Until now. Well, they think they have grounds ...

I was taken into our HR office and advised that I made a tweet threatening my boss. The twitter ID they presented was in no way legally linked to me. The so called "threat" was not made to a specific person or name ( as a matter of fact it was made to an inanimate object, and automobile)
and they said it said the words "my boss" - I have 2 jobs, even if that were to have been my ID, who is to say what boss the tweet referred to.

When I pointed out that it was not me, I was told they had info. Unfortunately for them, there is no link to my real identity and the alleged twitter ID I supposedly used to make the tweet. Yet, I am still fired.

Where have we gone so wrong that we allow them to have some power over our personal lives. They are worse than the government!!

They have now invaded my privacy and it's simply infuriating! In the end this will ultimately make me accomplish my goal of moving to Arizona and the sun, but its still so very wrong. I will be contacting an attorney.

one more present ...

2010-01-07T09:52:00.006-07:00

One more present came in the mail today!
It's so awesome!!

I made this wallpaper for my Palm Pre as well
My phone and bag will match!!

Now I need matching shoes!!

Do you want to make pixie smile?
Take a peek on the right at her "Wishlist"
You too can make it happen!!
(and yes there are CUTE pink shoes on my wish list!!)

HNT ~ brrr its cold!

2010-01-06T22:46:00.005-07:00

So this week I was inspired by At Longings End's
#HNT wearing her coat and boots!

We've been at sub zero temps and accumlating
up to 25 inches of snow in about the last 3 weeks!

Fur is high up on my list of fetishes and I own 2
beautiful fur coats. YES I know I know but ...
I love to wear them against my naked flesh ...

there is nothing more erotic and sexy ..
fur brings the pixie great orgasmic pleasure!

(of course dont forgot to click the pic *winkwink*)

HAPPY 1st #HNT of 2010!

MFM ~ Service

2010-01-04T00:21:00.004-07:00

This is my first entry into MFM - Micro Fantasy Monday - put on by Sweltering Celt. I used to write pages of erotica daily, and Ive let that really slip away so much over the years, I can barely write at all. Lately though I've stumbled across many a writer/blogger through Twitter, and I have been greatly inspired again ... When I saw this weeks theme, I just knew it was a "sign" and it was time to participate! ENJOY!

I could hear Her walking up behind me. I was Rinsing a plate when I felt Mistress’s hands on my shoulders giving me a gentle squeeze … then her breath was whispering in my ear .. pixie darling .. the soft yet dominant tone was enough to cause a shiver that just seemed to pool in the pit of my stomach..I took breath, set the plate down…turned the water off...While She was already snapping the leash to my collar. I could feel the cool chain teasing down my spine and it sent yet another shiver through me...

The click of Her heels as She stepped back from me hit me before the tug of the leash did and I was quickly kneeling and facing Her..She reached with Her free hand and softly traced her nails along my cheek before cupping my chin and lifting my gaze to Hers. The very look in Her eyes sent a twinge so deep I almost sighed, but I swallowed it down. One could not help but to succumb to Her. She had been waiting all week to get me alone in the house, and I could see without a doubt, today was that day.

She was standing very close, captivating my attention with Her gaze and the occasional stroking of Her fingers through my hair … we seemed to stay this way forever, in silence surrendering my submission to Her Dominance..with every breath I was inhaling her perfumed essence, mixed with her excitement, it was making me swoon and my thoughts were racing as to what She had planned. Then a quick turn and a sharp tug of the leash I was crawling behind her into the playroom.

I knew she had received something new in the mail earlier in the week, but had no idea what I was about to be in store for. As she left me kneeling in the doorway I could see the restraint table already prepared. I began thinking She must have received a new flogger, or paddle…but I became a little hesitant when my eyes caught glimpse that the thigh and waist restraints were on the table. She had it set to bend me over it, my wrists would be corner to corner. I glanced over to Her, hearing a loud WHISH and what first caught my attention was the somewhat evil excited grin that danced on Her lips .. and THEN I seen it.

My heart was pounding … HOW could I have forgotten. I set my gaze back to the table as She walked back over to me. My eyes were as wide with fear as Hers were with excitement. Ever since the party we attended a few weeks ago, the caning demonstration…..It’s ALL she had talked about. yes, How could I have forgotten!

It appeared to be about 3ft long and I had no idea what it was made of but I felt my ass clenching tightly at the thought of being struck with it. She stood briefly to make sure She had my gaze, and then knelt down before me, placing the cane to my lips, waiting for me to place a kiss of respect upon it. The sparkle in Her eyes, Her energy emanating a calmness .. neither of us hearing a sound but feeling every tug of desire raging inside .. yes today was the day indeed, with every ounce of my submissive being I was going to give myself to her, to show my service and devotion by accepting her beloved new cane ..

It's in the air ...

2010-01-01T18:37:00.003-07:00

Perhaps it's the full moon. Maybe it's that it was a blue moon. And of course we can't forget ringing in the New Year 2010. This year will be the end of a decade. This New Year also marks a monumental 10 yr anniversary of entering the year 2000. Some called it the new millennium ( though really that was 2001 ) - anyways hehe .. I came upon this thought this evening as I spent my New Years Day on twitter. My 2009 new found addiction since my chat rooms closed a couple years ago.

I follow several hundred people and as the day grew later, more and more post were coming up about being lonely. Wishing they had some company, a partner. Wishing they would get more time and attention from friends, family, loved ones. Many posted about having a bad 1st day of the New Year. Some even posted they felt selfish about it.

What is it about today that would make so many feel that way. It made me think. I guess it comes about with all this New Years Resolution stuff. We are focusing out thoughts, at the persistence of those around us, to think about resolutions. What do we want to change and do in the next year to better ourselves. This of course makes us think about all the things we said we were going to do last year ...

and that lead me to the post I wrote in the first place today about making New Years Resolutions, and why we shouldnt do it, as it just sets us up for failure. You can read it HERE

hugs wishes and happiness for you all this coming new year ~

Resolutions .. or set up for failure? Happy New Year!

2010-01-01T11:53:00.003-07:00

I tend to view things in a way to logical way. I tend to try and be a perfectionist. I tend to believe that I should just know everything and how to do it. I tend not to like to ask for help. laughs .. and that leads me to the topic of this post. New Years resolutions, follow throughs and failures... and asking for help.

One of the biggest resolutions of the New Year for people is to diet/lose weight. It's also the number 1 failed resolution. We set ourselves up with this big hopes, dreams and goals. We give ourselves unrealistic final results, and we expect that we are just going to wake up January 1 and do it. Generally there is really no preparation, we "think" we know how and what to do. Days, weeks, months into it we are becoming aware that we either have not been keeping to it, or have started out strong but as always, life just gets in the way and the goal gets forgotten or 'set aside until tomorrow" and 365 tomorrows later here we are again.

When we reach that realization, when we become aware of the failure, we punish ourselves. Sometimes out loud, sometimes physically, but most of the time I think its a mental punishment. I constant berate myself for not doing this, not finishing that .. and then I berate myself for berating myself.

For me, one of my big "failure" resolutions is apartment cleaning. On one hand I am a germ freak - one the other, I just cant seem to put things away, and I always have clutter. Clothes, shoes, coats, paper, boxes, pillows, blankets, laundry(clean!) .. its never ending. It gets to a point I just cant stand it sometimes, yet it stays that way. To get past it, I started telling myself - It's my apartment and I can keep it as i wish. I would never however invite anyone in. Sometimes our goals are not physical like dieting or cleaning our houses, but personal, emotional goals. Those are a trap all by themselves that can lead to years of emotional failure stress.

My personal emotional "resolution" has been to be happy. smile and believe - everyday. While its a valiant goal I think we should all strive for, its one of those unrealistic goals. I believe we do have a choice every single day to be happy or let it control us, but its unrealistic to think we have the will power 100% of the time to do it.

So I decided that I was just not going to set myself up for that anymore. No more resolutions. No more "Im am going to do this or else". No more cursing myself for not having done it.

Certainly there are always things that need improvement, and I think that the New Year is a good time to reset my focus on those accomplishments. I believe though that instead of making resolutions to change, we need to move the focus on how to make the change. There are tools out there. We are all capable of making the choice to get them.

For many of the dieters and house cleaning slackers, there is a deeper issue as to why we are eating or living in our cluttery mess. And that of course holds no truer than to the emotional changes. We are not going to wake up and just be a better person. We are not going to wake up and just suddenly be responsible and pay all our bills on time and clean up our messes. We are not going to wake up 365 mornings and never eat another piece of chocolate. But we can wake up and start looking for the tools that will help us ultimately succeed in being the person we want to be, to help us accomplishing our goals and tasks more days than not.

Remember that we dont have to do it alone,there is a world of information out here. Some things are not going to happen in a day a week or even a month, maybe even the one year. Its not always going to be easy. And importantly too, remembering to take things 1 step or task at a time. Dont overwhelm and put too many things on the plate - alternate the things you are working on. On average it takes 90 days to change a habit/behavior and you never remove it, you replace it with a different one. Choose ahead of time the healthy one you want to replace it with.

Ook so thats my thoughts on today lol Many Magical wishes for success and happiness in 2010!!

HNT ~ Happy News Years Eve

2009-12-31T07:19:00.007-07:00

Happy End of 2009!!

I didn't know what to pick for my
"favorite HNT"

But since I have used some previous NYE
photos of HNT - I decided to add a new one,
as well as the original used for HNT earlier this year :)

This was NYE 2003
I was 33 - and bought that dress for NYE
when I was 20!!! Maybe 21? LOL

(click pic for surprise!)

This was how I brought in 2004 *grins*
I am sure you can all imagine from there :)

Happy farewell to the 2009 HNT's
and Magical Pixie Wishes for a fabulous year of 2010 HNT's!!

Gone .. Strayed .. lost she is feared ...

2009-12-28T01:33:00.002-07:00

That's how I feel a lot of days lately. That line is from a book, about a lost puppy, that I would read to a little girl I babysat many years ago. The line has stuck in my head for years.

I don't know quite how to explain it. I've put myself between a rock and a hard place. I am where I need to be, yet, I want things that I know I don't really want. I am not sure there is a 'safe' in between or middle ground.

I choose to be single because I simply KNOW I can't live with anyone. I am an perfectionistic OCD emotional princess who wants it HER way ... and most of all, submissive to a fault in so many ways.

I am ok with that. I've been the quintessential anti-social hermit for years. The internet is my social connection and outlet to the world.

On the other hand. Lately I've been seeing, hearing, reading, experiencing others relationships and a yearning I've not had in some time has been awakened. I want to be touched. I want to be kissed. I want to be held. And I want her to go home in the morning without a lot of drama.

I've been pondering if they are really just simple wants? Are these things we need to survive?

I stopped wanting them, I stopped believing I needed it, because one more hurt will break me.. emotionally and physically. I'd rather be happy with me long term, than add another heartbreak.

But ... life is full of buts and unfair terms right? Seeing it dangled and teased before me, the ache lately is just so .. intense. It's not about wanting sex. It's about an emotional and physical far above that, getting met.

Being the poly girl I am, I'm certainly not looking for a monogamous relationship - which makes finding someone to share this with me, harder. And I need a Dominant. A Female Dominant .. and and and .. yes, I am picky .. I think we all should be.

It puts me in such a delima .. even in a poly relationship, or just a string of "one night stands" I will get attached and that generally leads right to where I am trying to avoiding going on the first place ...

*sighs* thank goodness for my Hitachi Magic Wand ... right???

YAY It's present opening time!

2009-12-25T07:45:00.006-07:00

I waited and waited and finally its here!

I get to open my presents!

I received this from mom on Black Friday
It's from The Next Millennium
Our favorite Magic Shoppe in town!!

Some presents didnt make it in the mail
on time, but we will do this again next week,
when they do arrive YAY!!

There is a previous post which shows
the first present I opened, another Faery from Mom!

Merry Christmas and Magical Holiday Wishes!

Happy Yule! Opening my 1st Solstice / Yule prezzie of 2009

2009-12-24T23:22:00.004-07:00

YAY! I've been waiting all week to open presents!!

Im only starting with 1 at midnight ...

It's from mom!

She used pretty paper

YAY I know its going to be a Faery!
(and yes, I am opeing a gift naked!)

OH She is very cool!!

Sitting in the palm of a hand
with a cute lil creature!

THANKS MOM!!

more to come!

Im Dreaming of a White Christmas .. and a giant egg?

2009-12-24T22:37:00.008-07:00

YUP! Here we go again!
This is actually pretty rare for us..
I think between the 2 storms is more snow
that we have had in a few years combined!

They started with a 6-10 inch prediction
then it turned into 10-14
and now anywhere from 10-20 inches!

Will do another in the morning to see with more light!

and here it is!

White Christmas
aprox 7:45am Dec 25, 2009

You can see on the railing the build up is deeper
from Video 1 to Video 2

more to come in a few hours
Its not supposed to stop for 24-48 more hours!

This is 3 hours later - 10:45am
and the Christmas Egg!

last for today!
It's about 5pmish Christmas Day Just before Dark
It stopped snowing for a few hours but started up again!

The best thing about this White Christmas Storm of 2009
I volunteered to work Christmas Eve and Day
but guess what - they had to close the office because of all the snow!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS from Mother Nature to PIXIE!!

HNT ~ Merry Christmas!

2009-12-24T20:41:00.007-07:00

Magical Holiday Wishes
Love ~ the kinky pixie ~

in case you all wondered ...

2009-12-14T11:48:00.002-07:00

this is what I am often doing when away from twitter ...

I do so love my Hitachi Magic Wand
I thought it was louder when filming but it really isnt lol
I also didnt realize I wasnt shooting low enough
ops! You can just imagine though where that magic wand is!
(if you cant you shouldnt be here watching)

I did a re-take, but decided this was
a better option for the masses to share in :)

This lovely clip was filmed with my PalmPre!

SNOW on video!

2009-12-14T06:34:00.002-07:00

HNT ~ Stocking Stuffer

2009-12-10T02:55:00.006-07:00

(click photo for surprise)

I was a stocking stuffer in 2000
It was part of a submissive photo session
I did for my Mistress

Happy Holiday HNT :)

Blizzard December 2009

2009-12-09T07:20:00.012-07:00

This was after a few light hours of snow overnight
and through the mid-morning
Aprox 10am
(click pics for larger image)

Aprox 11am

Shortly after 12noon
It was starting to come down heavier!

This was not much after 1pm

Then I took a little nap
This was not much after 530pm

Around 1am it turned into the Blizzard
when winds picked up to 40-50MPH

And this is the morning aftermath
aprox 815am

It figures we get the blizzard on my day off!
I might get away with calling in tonight, lil Ms Miata
might not be able to make it through whats left tonight!!

Have you been naughty or nice?? Come tell Santa Fet about it!

2009-12-07T17:13:00.003-07:00

Have you been naughty or nice this year?
Come sit on Santa's lap and tell'm what you want!!

Our FAVORITE Kinky Social Networking site, FETLIFE,
is giving away 218 kinky presents, worth almost $25,0000!!!!!

http://bit.ly/7hagFs

Don't Miss Out!!

yes .. I decided to play holiday this year

2009-12-07T01:43:00.012-07:00

This was the start! I had to go down to the garage
and pull some bins and boxes out of the storage closet
Thank Goodess they supply us with shopping carts!

I got stuck going through the door
Had to go around in the other door and pull the cart in
giggles

YAY we made it into the elevator!

Starting to unpack ..

and putting together my "Tinkerbell" tree -
I call it that because of the color!

YAY the lights work!
(and um Ms Mazzy cat does too! )

and the stockings were hung by the
TV Stand with care ....
in hopes that St Nicholas soon would be there!

Almost to the finish!

Last year to manys dismay I did absolutely
nothing to celebrate the holidays. Most who have
known me awhile know that normally I am the
geeky girl out with her santa hat and
bells on out shopping the day after Thanksgiving,
and putting my up my real tree soon after ...

but, last year I was just not any where
near that frame of mind. To be honest even
after I dug everything out this year I still wasnt sure
I was in that frame of mind .. I am still thinking about having
to put it all away again LOL but I did it ..

I am going to try and find some christmas solstice
holiday cheer this year ( yes, even if it kills me!)