Roleplay .. or being the real me

One of the prolific kinks in the BDSM lifestyle is Role Play. That can of course cover a wide range of kinks between consenting adults.

I've never really done any role play in the context of kink however. I want to. I think. I mean, there are definite things in my head I would like to explore, and some of that would involve role play, however, I just do not know .. how. I am afraid I would giggle through the entire scene!

When I was at a conference recently, one of the presenters, a Dominant and their slave, talked about how they had went through some of that. One day the Dom just informed the slave, tomorrow we are doing puppy play, leaving the slave no time to really research or gather information on how this task would be carried out (which normally as I understood was a natural thing for them to normally do!)

That "not knowing how" is kind of my issue. Ive never done it, Ive not really ever seen anyone else do it, I dont even know where to begin!

Then someone said to me "pixie, your whole life is role play. Perhaps you just need to be you, and you will find that whats in your head just comes out naturally" I was like, wow, that almost makes sense!! So, we will see what comes of that :)

Pixies Giddy

SOOO .. Ok some of you have read my previous post where I just got done saying "I systematically removed poeple.things from my life" to try and eliminate future hurts. How's that working you might ask? Well, up until a week ago, it was fine and dandy. Then I was kissed. A simple sweet little kiss ... and that was the end of that.

I just spent another magical weekend at SWLC. There I was swept up in the WOO WOO and for the first time in a long time, I was getting attention. I liked it. At one point, I realized I liked it to much. I voiced outloud, no more of this Pixie Lee. You are just setting yourself up. ENJOY it, but do not get lost in the giddiness of it.

Yeah ... that lasted until the different offenders started texting, IMing, emailing me .. and then I would forget the enjoy part and move right to the giddy. Especially for one particular person.

It wasnt planned. It hadnt at any time crossed my mind. It was strange that I would even be in the place and time that I was that it happened. I had no idea it could, let alone would! The whole evening was like that really. Ms Universe can play in mysterious ways!

Now, normally I would never in a million years tell someone they had made me giddy, but some how I got roped into doing just that, by someone else. I was just writing a simple thank you for your hospitality email. I often have a tendency to write emails, say things, then delete them. But I was told no, go back and tell, so, I did. Now, omg the person KNOWS!! SHIT!!! NO WAY I will ever be able to talk to them again. but ... yet, thats exactly what I wanted to do.

OK once again, I told myself .. no pixie, you just so cant do this. Enjoy it, dont attach to it.

Then what do I do????? SHAMELESSLY FLIRT!!!! Oh Yes *smiles* I even asked please, when they asked for more giddiness. yes, yes I did.

*smiles* Then perhaps quite innocently, maybe it was quite intentional!, they referenced me as "little one" and I swear I crawled right out of my enjoy skin, back into my tummy dropping, squeeeeeeeeeeee , giddiness skin!!

Im very aware of it, and very prepared to be ok with ENJOY, but for as long as they keep exploiting my giddiness, who am I to deny it??? RIGHT??? *laughs*

Making myself small ...

This is several broken up pieces of me, and things that have happened in the past few weeks, maybe years, but they kind of all fell together into something tonight. Though I admit, while I feel this need to put it out here, it may not make any sense at all.

Over the past few years, and stemming from a very early age, Ive never really had "a will to live". I cant place that value on people, and even things in my life, but, I sometimes just dont understand why with all the heartache and pain we suffer through, why we want to live? Most say they have husbands/wives/children/friends/family .. but, I can't say that I have any of that so far in my life that hasn't caused some form of pain/hurt.

Each time I go through something, I have systematically stopped including people/things in my life. No more pets, no more close friends, no more boyfriend/girlfriend, no more D/s relationships. Just live. smile. be happy. Try and fit in. I am not suicidal. I don't want to kill myself, but I feel sometimes I reached that point of not being able to take one more thing.

That part is not new, I've blogged about it recently before.

A few weeks ago when I lost my job, my heart sank for a different reason than most. I cant replace the work I was doing, and really my only experience is in a field I dont want to work in again, but will probably need to. For me, this is quite traumatic. To make it worse ( better ? ) I am going to move 1000s of miles away from the only constant "safe" Ive ever had. Ive never been truly alone.

A friend knowing these things pointed out that I really needed to find my passion. I said, I know my passion. I know that one thing that makes me want to be alive, but I cant have it. It wont support me. I don't have the energy, motivation, creativity, or even will power to make my passion be my life. I barely function as it is now in the "real world"

She proceeded to "correct me", suggesting that what I consider my passion, cant really be a passion. That I needed to find something else. She even sent me books talking about finding our passions ...(that really I am going to try and read!)

The first time I ever felt alive in my entire life was when I wandered into a submissive chat room in the summer of 1998. My whole life has been lived/raised in some sexual content, and thats all I was looking for when I went in, something I was familiar with. What I found was so much more. My passion, my life. my will to live. It was a place I felt comfortable in, and for the most part, is the only atmosphere environment I feel comfortable in to this day.

I was watching Greys Anatomy tonight, one of the "themes" of the episode happened to be about our passions. A large man, who was a singer, was going to possibly lose his ability to sing. He talked about how he spent his whole life trying to make himself look small, physically and emotionally, in order to be out in the world, but when he got on stage, to sing, he could be the loud, emotional, angry at the world fat man - and people loved him for it. and soon as he was off stage he went back to trying to be small again, trying not to be noticed. He told the Doctors, I dont want to live my life small. If I cant go on stage and sing, I dont want to live.

Being in my "drop" today after SWLC, I think I may have cried through the entire thing, and it really inspired this post.

My impending move to live in Arizona is something Ive wanted for 5 years. While the sun was the original motivator, the lifestyle and community I have found there surpasses any Ive ever found. I am alive there. An alive that may even help me get back to my creative, motivated, will powered person I want to be. I can't serve in this state (literally!!).

I am scared to be out of my safe normal misery. We are so often victims of finding it easier to live in our misery and fear, than branching out, taking chances, living the way we want to. I am as guilty of that as the next person. I want to change. I need to change.

I need this lifestyle, my passion. I dont want to make myself small, I want to live big!

Selfish Moments

In one of the many post Ive made in the past few days in other forums, I talked about how as Ive been "hurt" by people/things in my life, I would try to avoid including that in my life anymore, whether it be love, D/s, friends .. I just become an anti-social hermit.

Im very aware of it. A few people stirred things in me over SWLC weekend however. I became giddy, excited, couldnt stop talking about people/things. After day 2 I said to someone, ok, Im done with this "attachment/giddy" process I am experiencing. I do not want to get hurt, I cant set myself up for that. So, I (tried!) to shut it off all day. (yeah uh huh until each one of them texted me, talked to me, paid attention to me!)

So .. in my moment of shut down, I was socializing with several people ... mostly Dominants (It was like being the old enough kid to sit at the adult table!). One of the lovely Dominants, who had allowed me to the honor of hanging around her all weekend as my safety blanket, made causal mention she wanted a foot massage. I dont believe it was directed at me, but I wanted to do it. I was sitting the closest to her, there was absolutely no reason I shouldnt reach out and make the offer. but I didnt.

Why? Well, I didnt want to get caught up in my own "need". I wanted so desperately to serve, to be submissive me, to feel that energy, but... I didnt want the feeling when it was over, of knowing it could be a long time before I get to experience the feeling again. I selfishly denied a Dominant a wish, a desire, to protect my own feelings.

I didnt have this realization until hours later unfortunately. She never got her foot massage, and I felt terribly guilty .. no, I felt disappointed. Disappointed in myself for being selfish, and scared she was disappointed in me as well. I felt scared that what IF she had directed it at me, without specifically directing it at me, and I had failed to respond. Of course once our own head starts with the "what if's" we can create ALL kinds of scenarios.

I was coming out of my shell in so many ways during SWLC, I decided I had to apologize to her. The thought of that scared me less than thinking she was disappointed in me. (yes, i so way over analyzed the whole situation lol)

The next morning, I by chance had a few minutes alone with her and I did find my voice and offered the apology. She told me that it was not directed at me at all, she wouldnt have expected to me to respond to it, and then she hugged me and told me I didnt need to apologize.

I still feel disappointed in myself for not offering the foot massage, but I do feel a bit "bigger in spirit" that I was able to apologize to her.