Im not really sure where this post is going to go ... I started the blog as an outlet. I need to journal, I need vent and get things out .. sometimes I just need to talk out loud. When I do that, I have a need for it to be "heard" .. its a quirky thing that has gotten me in trouble for as many years as I can remember..diaries, journals, scribbles of thoughts ..all found and read and freaked out upon for what I think and feel .. so I stopped. Not just the writing and journaling, but even the feelings .. I found it easier to deny myself things that to deal with the feelings that go along with them. Most know I dont play games because I dont like to lose ... I dont like to lose because I usually am losing because I suck at the game. I hate sucking. I hate not just being able to do things. I hate not being able to be on the outside, who and what I am on the inside. I stopped having friends, I stopped having lovers, I stopped wanting and convinced myself there is no need....even my will and understanding of why I am alive in the 1st place .... for 25 yrs ive really just wanted to die..not in a suicide kinda way ... i dont want to kill myself .. i just dont want to be here to have to deal with this all anymore. Ive had more tantrums that my poor hear can count, where I have laid crying in hysterics begging a god I do not believe in to just let me die. Funny how that is the one prayer that never gets answered. I slipped recently. I allowed myself to feel ... as it happened I told myself to stop ..dont let it happen pixie ... enjoy the moment but let the rest go. While all this was going on the Universe has been answering my other prayers, but in a nasty not so nice way. I keep being told "there is reason" "learn the lesson" "make the change" - and I am trying .. Ive spent the last 6 weeks of my life living like Ive never allowed myself to live before ..including those damn feelings. Ive had small meltdowns along the way but ive put myself into a situation i cant even allow myself those right now ... I keep telling myself, its going to be ok .. go with it .... its not really ok though. everything i am doing is wrong. everything i always do is wrong. i do not know how to exist anymore ... i am not strong and i am tired of surviving - i am tired of pretending .. i am just so tired, drained, lost .. and perhaps even everyone thinks a drama queen when i get like this ... but ... yeah .. i dunno .. its just where i am today
so i wonder ...is the faery tale happy endings we seek really worth all the realities of hurt it takes to get there....
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5 months ago
There's lots here, Pixie. Lots to respond to. All I can tell you right now is that the part in your post here listing 'reasons' for things happening....hey, most of the time, control in our lives is not what it seems to be. You have reached out by going to Arizona and, it seems, so far have been disappointed. It happens every day...every damned day. But you see, honey, you have no idea how really strong you come across here. You DO know how to exist.. You ARE pushing the envelope. And you are, indeed, tired and drained because pushing yourself is an exhausting thing to experience.
ReplyDeletePersonally, fairy tale endings are not real. But happy endings ARE. And most of the time, it really does take going through the pain to get to the pleasure. Think of it as an analogy for the sexual fun you enjoy...the pain leads you to the pleasure. That's simplified, I know, but at least it's something to hang your hat on.
And please...reach out to me anytime. I get it, I do understand. And more folks than you think understand as well.
oh contraire .. az has been the best part of it all - I am far from disappointed in that. I am disappointed in my continued failures. I am disappointed that I have no will power, no motivation, no desire, no passion ... I am disappointed that I choose to stay in my miserable comfort zone instead of doing what I preach others should do .. I am perfectly aware how strong I am .. i am perfectly aware I would be dead if I didnt force myself to survive everyday. These vents used to be a daily thing in my life .. now they happen a couple three times a year .. Ive just reached an overwhelming emotional place and there is not anyone that i can truly turn to and let it out .. so it comes out here to everyone in its bits and pieces ..
ReplyDeleteAnd those you value out here, me included, remain available It always helps to know that someone will listen.
ReplyDeletewho cares
ReplyDeletewell I do obviously, anonymous, DUH - that was a pretty stupid comment - couldnt think of anything better to say?
ReplyDelete