Losing my 5.3 yr virginity ....

So if you have been following me, or known me for awhile, you know I havent had sex in just over 5 yrs., Feb/Mar 2005 was the last time I had actual intercourse ... now, within the last 2 yrs I did have a brief, and I mean very brief (2 times maybe?), fling with a lovely woman ..who with fingers and tongue only brought me to beautiful orgasms *smiles* but I never really considered that sex sex .. and of course being in the lifestyle I have had a few public scenes, and maybe a private one or two, that included bringing me to orgasm with toys, but again .. no sex sex -

In 1999 I received my 1st collar, from a married couple, and in 2000 moved in with Them - life was grand until about 2003ish when life circumstances just were what they were and there was no more "lifestyle" in the relationship .. that same yr He decided he was jealous of Her and I and would no longer include me in their sex life ... Her "life circumstance" was her becoming a prescription pill addict, and so over weeks, months, years she was loopy and stayed in bed almost 24/7 - making her and mines sex life nill ... then in Oct 2004 she went on a 5 month trip with her mother ... during that time I picked up a cute boytoy from work and until she came home in Feb he was my fuck buddy :)

In a non lucid drug induced state of mind, in March 05 she accused me of still her meds and threw me out of the house and i moved back to Omaha (I had indeed not taken them, she hid them around the house to hide them from us - days later she found then and tried to apologize )

During that 2 years or so ... especially the last yr, I needed to leave .. the situation was bad - but - I couldnt do it. I believed I was her submissive and would take care of Her ... uh huh - best thing she ever did was throw me out.

Anyways .. the point of all that leads to some of my decision to not pick up any new sexual relationships ..

I was raised in a very sexual environment/atmosphere - before age 5 I was "hussling" old men at the bar for quarters to play pinball or get another shirley temple - or just pocket the quarter. I was like that because I was being sexually abused .. it was just my world. I cant say it was bad .. all I remember is what made me feel good and it went on for a number of yrs ... im good with it not all dramatic about it now. Mom always had a new BF or husband or whatever .. I wouldnt trade my life, I am not complaining or saying it was bad .. I am just explaining :)

While i did not choose to have sex until I was 19, I made it to 3rd base with many a boy from way to early an age ... and after I did do it the 1st time, I loved it .. and had lots of it :) but always in unhealthy relationships.

So .. back to 2005. I move back to Omaha instead of AZ where I wanted to go, I am single for the first time in like 10 yrs and feeling like lousy crap that I am just a failure. As I start to pick up my life, I realized, and decided to make a more conscious effort, to just not play the game anymore. I hated losing, I hated being a fuck up .. if you dont play, you cant lose and that was "winning" enough for me. Over time I realized a huge part of "who" I was .. was this sexual being. I used sex/sexual overtones to cover up insecurities .. some people giggle and me, well I become sexual. I also knew it usually got me what I wanted ... unfortunately even at that point I was a co dependent low self esteem girl, shy, scared of the vanilla world ... I really just wanted to shut down and not exist anymore. It wasnt a matter of not liking me, it was a matter of thinking I didnt have it in me to change ...

With the help of 2 dear souls in my life, I sturggled through and worked things out about me and who I am ... in the end I would be a poly submissive ... in the form of service. No collars, No relationships, No getting hurt ... and still getting all my submissive pixie needs met. perfect. Sort of .. I did take a collar of protection and wore a collar of consideration for a few months with another. I got hurt .. I got hurt real bad ... but I need to practice what I preach. Move it, tuck the good times in my heart and the lessons learned into my head and move one. Be happy.

Be happy ... while 2010 has been the hardest year so far, I did make some significant positive changes (the Universe got sick of my whining and kicked my ass lol ) I moved to AZ, and allowed someone to make me Giddy (something else you know about if you have been following!)

So yeah .. MsMakesMeGiddy took the initiative (again previous post!) and brought out a big, beautiful, piece of glass and as she put it with a raspy panting voice while it was being thrust inside of me ..... "princess pixie is being royally fucked"

*smiles* I laughed at myself later because, it IS like losing my virginity all over again, only this time .. Ive forgotten how :| I dont know really how to flirt, Ive never been on a date, I dont know how to initiate ... but omg I want to ...

I also feel like I am setting myself up .. I need to be very careful about not letting myself get attached emotionally to Her .. I cant have her, and I am ok with that, i enjoy getting to play with her, my fear is that its been so long, and the emotions and feelings so missed, that I let them get the better of me ... im hurting myself in that (and then who the hell can i blame lol)

So now if you really read all the way through ... does this count as losing my virginity, or do I need to find a throbbing hard hot cock to fill my aching wet walls ?