venturing out was ok ...

So coffee with everyone turned out to be ok .. I didnt die from being social lol

A very sweet person, one of the 1st people I met when I 1st started coming to Arizona, was in line with me when I was getting the yummy carrot cake, and he picked up the tab ... THAT was very very nice, since I had already picked out 2 pieces, so I could take one home to the one who makes me "giddy" ~ *smiles* ~ which she enjoyed it for breakfast!

Several of us went to a Village Inn after coffee ... VI has the best pancakes which I had been missing since the move. People kept taking me to Denny's and IHOP (I hate IHOP and Denny's just arent as good!), so I was excited about going to VI!

When we 1st arrived the host/waiter was JUST about to get off work, and about had a pissy stroke when I said a party of 10 ... he copped an attitude (which almost got worse when 2 more tables of 5 came in right after us and he had to take them too!) Another in our party pointed this out to the manager, who quickly rectified the situation. Waiter boy still at 1st made a couple "id like to go home can we hurry this up please" comments but by the end realized that we would be a fun bunch and nice good service was going to get him everywhere, including a good tip. He even came outside and smoked with the group (out of 9 of us I was the only non-smoker! so waiter boy took my place in the smoking spot!)

I feel bad I still dont just go up to people and offer hugs and hello's .. I think most know I am the shy one and will come over and "get me" - sometimes I just smile and send a wave over their way ... but its getting a little better!

Perhaps I will venture out again next week too!

HNT ~ venturing out

Yes .. Im going to do it,
venture out for coffee
tonight with the local community.
It's crazy, I kinda hate being social
but people tell me its good for me lol

One nice thing is that the coffee place has a most
incredible carrot cake that I shall get to enjoy!

It's been a weird, not sure if good or not kinda day ...
a lil drama here and there,
but I guess I am getting used to that
(what else can I do, right?)

I did get my nails done, and even got some
painted design on them!!
Which is what we are using for HNT today :)

Lions and Tigers and Bears .. oh... wait, this is Arizona

2010 has been the most wild ride so far. Im not exactly sure its been all "good" but as usual I am surviving ( whether I want to or not lol)

One thing that has been fabulous is the move to Arizona. Most of you know Ive waited 5 long years for this to happen, and to be honest, it probably still wouldnt have happened had someone not just fell into my life and made it happen. I hope she (and her husband!!!!) really know how grateful I am for all they did, and continue to do, to make this a success.

I never expected my move to Arizona to "fix" my life .. I did maybe hope somewhere along the line though that it would make it easier, less complicated, less ... well, less a personal struggle. Its been anything but that, as some of my post have previously shown.

One of the great things I always preached about was the lifestyle and community. Sadly some that has come back to bite me in the ass. Trusting people, befriending people, believing in the community .. many of which have lead to nothing but backstabbing, drama, and utter turmoil for the "emotional me" - I cant talk to anyone at all about anything because everything gets repeated and turned into something other than what I really said. Its even been insinuated more than once that I have "done something i shouldnt with other peoples partners" - granted, some of these people dont REALLY know me, but the thought that someone believes ive cheated, or even flirted the wrong way with their SO, hurts ... it hurts really bad. I would never in a million years be that person - I lost a love in my life when he decided to cheat on me ... I simply could not ever cause that pain for someone else. ever. I know the issue lies with the other people, but i always so desperately seek approval ..and lately it seems like everything I do is either wrong, or accused of being wrong and there is no winning.

I am not good at living with people either, a month in and I still tip-toe around the house. I know thats all on me, but I am not sure how to deal with it or get past it, other than to move out. There is a part of me ready to go tomorrow, and a part of me that wants to stay a little longer. Some days I am not even really sure I am wanted here (yes I may create that in my own head too, but ...i dunno) again it feels like everything I do is just wrong. I tried to help with yardwork, and accidentally sawed through a large heavy ext. cord.. cutting power to several places in the house too. I did this, I did that .. all not the way they do it .. which, its not that ive been scolded or anything like that .. most of the time no one says anything at all, but I create it in my head. I want to just hide away and not have to deal with anything because it is all coming out wrong.

Im so struggling to maintain ....

the sun is fabulous though. This part of Arizona I had no doubts about, it has been what i expected - and yes, I know its going to get hot .. and yes, i will probably complain at times "god damn its hot out" but it will just be a passing complaint .. I love the heat, the sun, the warmth , i need it to survive. I still am not convinced that i would have survived out this winter season in the cold and snow .. I believe Ms Universe knew that too and answered my prayers to make things fall into place (even if it was not done in a nice way!)

I am sure there is lesson in all this .. the drama, the backstabbing, the tip toeing, the accusations, my own emotional setbacks .. I am probably not doing "the best i can" but only what I know how to do .. which is often detrimental *and wrong!* but .. im here .. loving the sun and Arizona :)

faery tale happy endings .. worth all the realities of hurt?

Im not really sure where this post is going to go ... I started the blog as an outlet. I need to journal, I need vent and get things out .. sometimes I just need to talk out loud. When I do that, I have a need for it to be "heard" .. its a quirky thing that has gotten me in trouble for as many years as I can remember..diaries, journals, scribbles of thoughts ..all found and read and freaked out upon for what I think and feel .. so I stopped. Not just the writing and journaling, but even the feelings .. I found it easier to deny myself things that to deal with the feelings that go along with them. Most know I dont play games because I dont like to lose ... I dont like to lose because I usually am losing because I suck at the game. I hate sucking. I hate not just being able to do things. I hate not being able to be on the outside, who and what I am on the inside. I stopped having friends, I stopped having lovers, I stopped wanting and convinced myself there is no need....even my will and understanding of why I am alive in the 1st place .... for 25 yrs ive really just wanted to die..not in a suicide kinda way ... i dont want to kill myself .. i just dont want to be here to have to deal with this all anymore. Ive had more tantrums that my poor hear can count, where I have laid crying in hysterics begging a god I do not believe in to just let me die. Funny how that is the one prayer that never gets answered. I slipped recently. I allowed myself to feel ... as it happened I told myself to stop ..dont let it happen pixie ... enjoy the moment but let the rest go. While all this was going on the Universe has been answering my other prayers, but in a nasty not so nice way. I keep being told "there is reason" "learn the lesson" "make the change" - and I am trying .. Ive spent the last 6 weeks of my life living like Ive never allowed myself to live before ..including those damn feelings. Ive had small meltdowns along the way but ive put myself into a situation i cant even allow myself those right now ... I keep telling myself, its going to be ok .. go with it .... its not really ok though. everything i am doing is wrong. everything i always do is wrong. i do not know how to exist anymore ... i am not strong and i am tired of surviving - i am tired of pretending .. i am just so tired, drained, lost .. and perhaps even everyone thinks a drama queen when i get like this ... but ... yeah .. i dunno .. its just where i am today


so i wonder ...is the faery tale happy endings we seek really worth all the realities of hurt it takes to get there....

HNT ~ Sunny Arizona!

My 1st Day in sunny Mesa Arizona was 75 degrees!!

Of course I had to take Ms Miata out for a spin top down!!

I even had to stop and take the sweater off!!!

I love Arizona!!

Happy HNT!!

HNT ~ what I found packing!

SO! OMG! I am moving in about 24 hours!
This is a day I really never thought would come, but here it is!

As I was packing I found one of my favorite pair of SHOES!!

They match my polish ... PURPLE!
(though its hard to tell in the picture!)

It's official ~ Arizona or BUST!

The 27th I will be on the road to my new life in Arizona. It was March 2000 when I moved back to Omaha with the intent of leaving for Arizona shortly afterwards - HA - 5 yrs later here it is finally happening. I am petrified and excited all at once. I dont know whats really going to happen, everything I am doing is so out of my comfort zone, its all so new, so challenging. Ive not become overwhelmed since the 1st packing moments, but we will see how the next 4 days go. On the 5th day i will be loading the U-Haul and on the 6th day it will be ARIZONA OR BUST!

*please dont let me bust*