faery tale happy endings .. worth all the realities of hurt?

Im not really sure where this post is going to go ... I started the blog as an outlet. I need to journal, I need vent and get things out .. sometimes I just need to talk out loud. When I do that, I have a need for it to be "heard" .. its a quirky thing that has gotten me in trouble for as many years as I can remember..diaries, journals, scribbles of thoughts ..all found and read and freaked out upon for what I think and feel .. so I stopped. Not just the writing and journaling, but even the feelings .. I found it easier to deny myself things that to deal with the feelings that go along with them. Most know I dont play games because I dont like to lose ... I dont like to lose because I usually am losing because I suck at the game. I hate sucking. I hate not just being able to do things. I hate not being able to be on the outside, who and what I am on the inside. I stopped having friends, I stopped having lovers, I stopped wanting and convinced myself there is no need....even my will and understanding of why I am alive in the 1st place .... for 25 yrs ive really just wanted to die..not in a suicide kinda way ... i dont want to kill myself .. i just dont want to be here to have to deal with this all anymore. Ive had more tantrums that my poor hear can count, where I have laid crying in hysterics begging a god I do not believe in to just let me die. Funny how that is the one prayer that never gets answered. I slipped recently. I allowed myself to feel ... as it happened I told myself to stop ..dont let it happen pixie ... enjoy the moment but let the rest go. While all this was going on the Universe has been answering my other prayers, but in a nasty not so nice way. I keep being told "there is reason" "learn the lesson" "make the change" - and I am trying .. Ive spent the last 6 weeks of my life living like Ive never allowed myself to live before ..including those damn feelings. Ive had small meltdowns along the way but ive put myself into a situation i cant even allow myself those right now ... I keep telling myself, its going to be ok .. go with it .... its not really ok though. everything i am doing is wrong. everything i always do is wrong. i do not know how to exist anymore ... i am not strong and i am tired of surviving - i am tired of pretending .. i am just so tired, drained, lost .. and perhaps even everyone thinks a drama queen when i get like this ... but ... yeah .. i dunno .. its just where i am today


so i wonder ...is the faery tale happy endings we seek really worth all the realities of hurt it takes to get there....

HNT ~ Sunny Arizona!

My 1st Day in sunny Mesa Arizona was 75 degrees!!

Of course I had to take Ms Miata out for a spin top down!!

I even had to stop and take the sweater off!!!

I love Arizona!!

Happy HNT!!

HNT ~ what I found packing!

SO! OMG! I am moving in about 24 hours!
This is a day I really never thought would come, but here it is!

As I was packing I found one of my favorite pair of SHOES!!

They match my polish ... PURPLE!
(though its hard to tell in the picture!)

It's official ~ Arizona or BUST!

The 27th I will be on the road to my new life in Arizona. It was March 2000 when I moved back to Omaha with the intent of leaving for Arizona shortly afterwards - HA - 5 yrs later here it is finally happening. I am petrified and excited all at once. I dont know whats really going to happen, everything I am doing is so out of my comfort zone, its all so new, so challenging. Ive not become overwhelmed since the 1st packing moments, but we will see how the next 4 days go. On the 5th day i will be loading the U-Haul and on the 6th day it will be ARIZONA OR BUST!

*please dont let me bust*

Almost there .. its going better than I thought!

WOW! Can you believe it??

I can't!!

I thought packing would be much much worse
than it has been. The faeries were not as daunting
a task as I thought they would be.
I have used aprox. 1000 feet of bubble wrap!

and yes, I still need a bit more!!
Im guessing 2 more rolls, 300 feet, should do it :)

There are 11 tubs.
9 boxes.
I figure when all is said and done I will
have to have about a total of 10 more combined.

I accidentally put everything in front of the desktop
sooo I will have to pack that up after I move stuff lol

I expect Tuesday at the latest it should all be packed.
Ready to go.

OMG!

I can't I can't I can't ....

I have lots of "reasons" why I've not been able to move to Arizona .. or do anything in my life really. Some call them 'excuses' - and some are. Some are not, but I can justify all of them. Im good at that.

I've been forced to make decisions lately. Forced to live outside of my comfort zone. Forced to make changes. I'm trudging along, but feel myself sinking deeper and deeper, making it harder to keep going. I've really only had one big melt-down, which wasnt even that big because I was trying to hide the fact I was melting down.

In my frantic need for "support" , I have been sharing with everyone my plans for my job, my packing, my move. One person pointed out to me the other day that for every step in my process, I had a list of "I can'ts"

I cant drive the Uhaul cross country
I really cant do it towing my car
I cant pack alone
I cant work days / do sales / wear professional clothes
I cant leave my mom
I cant move and be alone
I cant leave my kitty
I cant live with people

I can't I can't I can't ....

I can't live through another winter. That is the real I can't. That is the "I can't" that is my motivation to complete the biggest task of my life.

I want to say I can .. I don't want to fail however. I don't want to lose. I don't believe I can do it. I've repeatedly failed, why is it different this time?

There is something different this time. There is someone different. Someone who has not only verbally motivated and encouraged me, but has physically taken time, effort, and energy to help me succeed. I've told her Thank You - but I can't (haha there it is again!) ever begin to truly express my gratitude. I would not be as far as I am in this process without her support.

I've gotten past 1 of the "I can'ts" by asking for help. Thats not something I am good at, but I have asked for some. Then I get told by others who do not understand, that my asking for help and just not doing the things on my own, that I am still "coping out" I am giving in to my "I cants" but .. I dunno. If I do not, I may not succeed .. and I want to succeed more than anything this time.

Im working on the "I can I can I cans"

HNT ~ Bubblewrap

In honour of my move
I am dedicating this HNT to PACKING!

Dont you wanna go POP POP POP!?

Happy HNT!