Im adding this picture after the post - It's a birthday present from someone who cares a lot about me, and has always put time, effort, and energy into trying to help me have the happiest journey in life I can. The bracelets say "Imagine" "Love" "Believe"
As this New Year 2010 rolled in, all sorts of "life crashing" events started happening. In a way I was expecting it. In many ways, some of it I asked for ( literally ). That old quote "Be careful what you wish for" .. yeah, I get suckered by that one all the time. I did complain for several days that damn, I just cant believe how crappy the new year was starting out.
This was a little different though. I had asked my Goddess to push me. To force my hand in the situation of change. I pleaded for help to do the things I wanted, that I have needed to do. No matter how bad it got, i simply did not have the strength to do on my own.
As usual it came crashing through. My help would not be handed to VIA the Easy Button :| - Ive been fired during a recession, from a job I couldnt afford really to lose. My car was broken in to, Sonic ran out of Bananas ( YES THIS WAS A TRAGEDY AT THE TIME!!), my unemployment could be denied ( its 4 weeks I know nothing yet!) and lots of other little things.
The whole grand plan of this misery is to force me past my fear of change. My misery needs to be greater than my fear. I am not sure why exactly moving is so scary. The only major thing I can thing of is I have never truly "lived alone" - ive always had a mother or a husband/boyfriend available, just in case. Excuse or legitimate reason, I dunno.
Now I want to embark to a community where my first reaction is, omg I will be alone. There will be no one to take care of me if I need it. There is not anyone I can call and say, im in a bad day, please bring me McDonalds, or milk, or whatever.
Then I spent SWLC weekend with "my community" and once again I remembered why it is I am drawn and want to come there - They wont leave me alone. They will help if I just bring myself to ask. No, i dont expect like here that i will have someone doing my grocery shopping or running my errands like here, but i think if i am in a really bad spot, that i know i can ask and someone will try and help.
All that has been going on has made me realize, 40, year 2010, is going to my year of change. Since Jan 1 I have been living so out of my comfort zones. There are some minor side effects to that, Ive been in a constant state of anxiety, but .. im still breathing. Im still alive. I want the change.
Im packing, Im applying for jobs ...
Everyone in the community, known and unknown has shown me support and encouragement .. i cant even begin to express my appreciation. If i dont die from all this, its totally in thanks to all of you!!!