Saturday, February 20, 2010

Almost there .. its going better than I thought!

WOW! Can you believe it??

I can't!!

I thought packing would be much much worse
than it has been. The faeries were not as daunting
a task as I thought they would be.
I have used aprox. 1000 feet of bubble wrap!

and yes, I still need a bit more!!
Im guessing 2 more rolls, 300 feet, should do it :)

There are 11 tubs.
9 boxes.
I figure when all is said and done I will
have to have about a total of 10 more combined.

I accidentally put everything in front of the desktop
sooo I will have to pack that up after I move stuff lol

I expect Tuesday at the latest it should all be packed.
Ready to go.


Friday, February 19, 2010

I can't I can't I can't ....

I have lots of "reasons" why I've not been able to move to Arizona .. or do anything in my life really. Some call them 'excuses' - and some are. Some are not, but I can justify all of them. Im good at that.

I've been forced to make decisions lately. Forced to live outside of my comfort zone. Forced to make changes. I'm trudging along, but feel myself sinking deeper and deeper, making it harder to keep going. I've really only had one big melt-down, which wasnt even that big because I was trying to hide the fact I was melting down.

In my frantic need for "support" , I have been sharing with everyone my plans for my job, my packing, my move. One person pointed out to me the other day that for every step in my process, I had a list of "I can'ts"

I cant drive the Uhaul cross country
I really cant do it towing my car
I cant pack alone
I cant work days / do sales / wear professional clothes
I cant leave my mom
I cant move and be alone
I cant leave my kitty
I cant live with people

I can't I can't I can't ....

I can't live through another winter. That is the real I can't. That is the "I can't" that is my motivation to complete the biggest task of my life.

I want to say I can .. I don't want to fail however. I don't want to lose. I don't believe I can do it. I've repeatedly failed, why is it different this time?

There is something different this time. There is someone different. Someone who has not only verbally motivated and encouraged me, but has physically taken time, effort, and energy to help me succeed. I've told her Thank You - but I can't (haha there it is again!) ever begin to truly express my gratitude. I would not be as far as I am in this process without her support.

I've gotten past 1 of the "I can'ts" by asking for help. Thats not something I am good at, but I have asked for some. Then I get told by others who do not understand, that my asking for help and just not doing the things on my own, that I am still "coping out" I am giving in to my "I cants" but .. I dunno. If I do not, I may not succeed .. and I want to succeed more than anything this time.

Im working on the "I can I can I cans"

Thursday, February 18, 2010

HNT ~ Bubblewrap

In honour of my move
I am dedicating this HNT to PACKING!

Dont you wanna go POP POP POP!?

Happy HNT!


Wednesday, February 17, 2010


The box is packed and I am still alive :)

Now just a 100 more or so to go!

I want to be packed and ready to go by Feb. 28th

Wish me LUCK - cuz I really need it!

harder than I thought ...

Im sitting here in a panic attack - crying - cant breathe - gasping - scared -

Why? I pulled the very first official items down to start packing. I had started a couple boxes 2 weeks ago, and another 2 this week - but really I just thrown piddly stuff in them. Now I look in them and see I didnt really "pack" anything at all. I have went through and got rid of a bunch of stuff, but none of it has been real packing.

Until now.

I just taped a box and put my bedroom bells into it. As I reached for the 1st ones on the wall, I just started crying. Im scared. OMG I am really going to rapidly through myself into this situation that I have longed for, for so long! As bad as I want it, it fills me with so much fear that I just shut down and cant function. I don't know that I can do this. I cant pack. I cant move. I cant do the new jobs I am applying for. I cant live with people to get me started. I cant I cant I cant.

It leads me right back to my choices post from this morning. It's all a choice. Physically I CAN do all those things. I am just not sure how to do them or handle them, emotionally. Maybe the choice is harder because I simply just do not know HOW to do it.

ok - yes - I have to breathe to think - Im thinking now, so I am breathing .. almost not crying - still scared as freaking hell ....

going to try and put more things in this box now ....

smile .... or not. It's all my choice

I was a typical low self esteem, thought life was unfair and terrible, just wanted to die teenager. I spent many a day/night crying in hysterics, begging a God I do not even believe in, to just let me die. Did I really want to? Maybe. If I would have known a way to do it, without it causing pain, I might have done it. I didn't know about sitting in a running car in the garage back then. The thought of pain makes me faint, I would never have gotten very far in trying to take my life.

As I got into my early 20s, I decided I just couldn't live that way anymore. I needed to die, or smile.

I happen to be one those "over thinking, got to break down and analyze everything" kinda people and decided almost overnight that, feeling that way was just a choice. I could continue to let myself feel miserable everyday, or I could choose to smile. Choose to be happy. Choose to enjoy what I had in front of me, no matter how bad it seemed. While the realization came to me almost overnight, the act of doing so certainly did not.

I took on my "smile and believe" attitude though and wore it out in "public". When people would say "Hi, How are you?" - I would lie. Tell them I am great, life is good! and I would SMILE! I happen to be starting my career path as a customer service agent around that time as well, where I was learning to always say please, thank you, have a nice day ... That becomes ingrained not only in the office, but in the rest of the world too. 20 some years later, I still get surprised reactions from people waiting on me when I say "thank you and have a nice day" when we are done. Eventually it became the "instinctive" choice, it became "2nd nature" to put on that smile when I walked out the door - eventually I started believing it! Most of the time, I really was happy -

But was I? Did that really make anything different or better? I have to say yes and no. It's certainly not a "fix" for what is really happening in life. However, it still all comes down to choice. We can choose to be happy, we can choose to smile, we can choose to believe that we really feel that way or not. Life is what it is. We choose to be ok with how it is, or not. It may not always be the easiest, best situation .. and there are of course times when it's going to get the best of us and we have to have a melt down, but we have to choose to come back together again.

Winter is harder for me than other times of the year. I firmly believe for me the sun makes a huge difference in my ability to choose the smile or the frown. I choose and allow myself to spend more days crying and wanting to give up in the winter months. I get very frustrated with myself over that, but sometimes even with the best of intentions, our choices are difficult and we don't always make the right one.

Im trying to get past that right now. I am making a choice to wallow in my misery of 2010 misfortunes. I want to smile, and be positive and move on with my life. but I am not doing it. I am choosing to sit here and cry and wanting to give up and "praying" that it will just some how fix itself. I know it wont.

So .. to smile or not to smile. That is my choice. I need to decide quickly.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Decisions Decisions Decision ... a vicious cycle.

This has been, and I hope not always will be, one of the hardest things I deal with. I don't like to, and will avoid at all cost, having to make decisions .. about anything. This evolves when a majority of decisions in your life always seem to be the wrong one. I've become perfectly happy, content, suck it up with others decisions, because its easier than being told to decide, and then have it be wrong.

Some of the poor decisions are really out of ones control. You are asked what you want to eat, you pick something, but it wasnt what THEY wanted, and so it becomes the "wrong choice" - As a submissive natured person, this is a huge struggle when it comes to serving. We desperately want to "get it right". This can put us in the ultimate trap of trying to guess or say or do "the right thing" as well, and it becomes a vicious cycle.

2010 has started out very rocky. Some of it seems out of my control, yet there were decisions that could have been made better, that in the long run would have avoided this rocky start. At the same time, the rocky road is what I needed to force myself to make some needed decisions. Now of course the decisions are huge, and I am avoiding them at all cost .. I want to curl up and just let life disappear so I dont make another bad decision.

Last night, Valentines Day, I flew home from Arizona where I just had just spent a fabulous week, and had many decisions thrown at me. Some I graciously made, others I stressed out about and ultimately did not make the decision. When I landed it was snowing - hard blowing blizzard condition snowing. OK I thought, no interstate, I will drive the long way - Ive had 2 snow related accidents on the interstate in the snow, 1 just barely 2 yrs ago, so .. I made a decision to take the "safe way" home.

As I was driving home I realize Ive been gone a week and have NO food in my house. Maybe I will stop at something along the way .. its 12am. As I am driving down the main drag, I see a Wendys, closed - - and I start to think, this is the last place along this route, should I go the extra few blocks to taco bell ... I decide no, its way to slippery out and I should just deal and go home.

Then I get to another main road/cross section and remember there is a Wendys on that street, which also turns to my house, and so ok .. I will check as some stay open until 1am ... but no, as I get there - they are closed too. So ok, up to my street I go.

On the way I know I am going to pass the street that goes to Taco Bell - but no, I again decide, its just not worth the risk. I keep driving. As I come upon the road however I say to myself, oh hell its just a few blocks and it hasnt been too bad driving when I stayed slow ... Barely 3 blocks down and BAAAM CLUNK SLIDE & TIP!!! Details and pics on that are in the previous blog post.

I started immediatly cursing myself . If I had just listened. If I had just not wanted Taco Bell. I told myself over and over on that drive home, it really wasnt ok to go ... but at the last second I had said "oh your being silly NAME just go" and turned ...

As I was in the car crying and yelling at myself I got very wrapped up in why 2010 was going this way. What did I do, why is the lesson so hard, I cant do it .. I just want this all so to end. I cant deal with all this. The decisions are over powering my sense of capability in making them.

Im lost in this one. I was doing really well in my week in Arizona. I was forced to make decisions and for the most part, all seemed to be going well .. and then something as little as making the turn at the last minute instead of just going home, was a huge wrong decision and it sets back everything I am trying to decide on now for my life.

blah - yes I am going with my decision right now to go take a nap. Ive not quite recovered yet from the emotional trauma this accident really caused but bits and pieces of this post were forming in my head and I needed to get it down.

Did I mention I fucking HATE SNOW!?

SO - We most all know that I flew to Arizona
to celebrate my 40th Birthday - It was the best birthday!

I booked my flight back to Omaha on Valentines Day.
Several times during the trip I thought, I want to stay!
Even if just a few more days ... But no ...
I needed to come home and pack so off I went to the airport

I landed in a blizzard
(sorry this is sideways I dont know how to edit to turn it!)

I know I have no food at home
I know Ive been awake all day after 3 hours of sleep
and I decided I was hungry. Taco Bell was sorta on the way
but .... it was getting a lil slippery, I decided no Taco Bell

Until of course I got to the corner I would turn on and at
the very last second made a sharp turn and decided I DID
want my beloved Taco Bell - it would be ok!

*sighs* barely 3 blocks down the Taco Bell Road
I hit a pot hole in hidden in the dark and snowy road.
A deep blow your tire kinda pot hole.

I went flying and ended up almost tipping over as the front
end of the car buried itself into a high snow drift!!!

It's hard to see but I am tipped pretty far to the driver side.
I forgot to take a pic but the back passenger tire is off the ground at least a foot!

I was in a state of freaked-outedness
I got out of the car thinking I would push it out myself!
The driver door got stuck on the street, I couldnt open it all the way.
and HA! all I did was sink into the snow drift - to my knees!

Yes, now I am cold, wet and want to cry.

I am cursing at myself because once again,
I made a wrong decision. I knew I should not have
made that turn to go to Taco Bell!

I texted Arizona 1st.
Then I called a tow - truck and started the crying.
Then I called my mommy. Who came out to get me.
Then called Boston and really just freaked out.

While waiting for mom, TowTruck calls
NO - 2-3 hours is the new wait time from 60 minutes.

*sighs* I want to cry more

Mom comes and we are debating what to do.
yes, she even offered to still take me to Taco Bell!
(but damn it they were closed by now!)


FINALLY!! YES A Good Samaritan!!
Only 1 of aprox 7 cars stopped to see if I was OK!
In his scrubs and stethoscope, along with mom, they PUSHED
and freed poor Ms Miata from the snow bank!!! YAY!!!

In the end the only real damage is the blown tire!