Friday, March 19, 2010

faery tale happy endings .. worth all the realities of hurt?

Im not really sure where this post is going to go ... I started the blog as an outlet. I need to journal, I need vent and get things out .. sometimes I just need to talk out loud. When I do that, I have a need for it to be "heard" .. its a quirky thing that has gotten me in trouble for as many years as I can remember..diaries, journals, scribbles of thoughts ..all found and read and freaked out upon for what I think and feel .. so I stopped. Not just the writing and journaling, but even the feelings .. I found it easier to deny myself things that to deal with the feelings that go along with them. Most know I dont play games because I dont like to lose ... I dont like to lose because I usually am losing because I suck at the game. I hate sucking. I hate not just being able to do things. I hate not being able to be on the outside, who and what I am on the inside. I stopped having friends, I stopped having lovers, I stopped wanting and convinced myself there is no need....even my will and understanding of why I am alive in the 1st place .... for 25 yrs ive really just wanted to die..not in a suicide kinda way ... i dont want to kill myself .. i just dont want to be here to have to deal with this all anymore. Ive had more tantrums that my poor hear can count, where I have laid crying in hysterics begging a god I do not believe in to just let me die. Funny how that is the one prayer that never gets answered. I slipped recently. I allowed myself to feel ... as it happened I told myself to stop ..dont let it happen pixie ... enjoy the moment but let the rest go. While all this was going on the Universe has been answering my other prayers, but in a nasty not so nice way. I keep being told "there is reason" "learn the lesson" "make the change" - and I am trying .. Ive spent the last 6 weeks of my life living like Ive never allowed myself to live before ..including those damn feelings. Ive had small meltdowns along the way but ive put myself into a situation i cant even allow myself those right now ... I keep telling myself, its going to be ok .. go with it .... its not really ok though. everything i am doing is wrong. everything i always do is wrong. i do not know how to exist anymore ... i am not strong and i am tired of surviving - i am tired of pretending .. i am just so tired, drained, lost .. and perhaps even everyone thinks a drama queen when i get like this ... but ... yeah .. i dunno .. its just where i am today

so i wonder the faery tale happy endings we seek really worth all the realities of hurt it takes to get there....