Friday, April 2, 2010

venturing out was ok ...

So coffee with everyone turned out to be ok .. I didnt die from being social lol

A very sweet person, one of the 1st people I met when I 1st started coming to Arizona, was in line with me when I was getting the yummy carrot cake, and he picked up the tab ... THAT was very very nice, since I had already picked out 2 pieces, so I could take one home to the one who makes me "giddy" ~ *smiles* ~ which she enjoyed it for breakfast!

Several of us went to a Village Inn after coffee ... VI has the best pancakes which I had been missing since the move. People kept taking me to Denny's and IHOP (I hate IHOP and Denny's just arent as good!), so I was excited about going to VI!

When we 1st arrived the host/waiter was JUST about to get off work, and about had a pissy stroke when I said a party of 10 ... he copped an attitude (which almost got worse when 2 more tables of 5 came in right after us and he had to take them too!) Another in our party pointed this out to the manager, who quickly rectified the situation. Waiter boy still at 1st made a couple "id like to go home can we hurry this up please" comments but by the end realized that we would be a fun bunch and nice good service was going to get him everywhere, including a good tip. He even came outside and smoked with the group (out of 9 of us I was the only non-smoker! so waiter boy took my place in the smoking spot!)

I feel bad I still dont just go up to people and offer hugs and hello's .. I think most know I am the shy one and will come over and "get me" - sometimes I just smile and send a wave over their way ... but its getting a little better!

Perhaps I will venture out again next week too!

Thursday, April 1, 2010

HNT ~ venturing out

Yes .. Im going to do it,
venture out for coffee
tonight with the local community.
It's crazy, I kinda hate being social
but people tell me its good for me lol

One nice thing is that the coffee place has a most
incredible carrot cake that I shall get to enjoy!

It's been a weird, not sure if good or not kinda day ...
a lil drama here and there,
but I guess I am getting used to that
(what else can I do, right?)

I did get my nails done, and even got some
painted design on them!!
Which is what we are using for HNT today :)


Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Lions and Tigers and Bears .. oh... wait, this is Arizona

2010 has been the most wild ride so far. Im not exactly sure its been all "good" but as usual I am surviving ( whether I want to or not lol)

One thing that has been fabulous is the move to Arizona. Most of you know Ive waited 5 long years for this to happen, and to be honest, it probably still wouldnt have happened had someone not just fell into my life and made it happen. I hope she (and her husband!!!!) really know how grateful I am for all they did, and continue to do, to make this a success.

I never expected my move to Arizona to "fix" my life .. I did maybe hope somewhere along the line though that it would make it easier, less complicated, less ... well, less a personal struggle. Its been anything but that, as some of my post have previously shown.

One of the great things I always preached about was the lifestyle and community. Sadly some that has come back to bite me in the ass. Trusting people, befriending people, believing in the community .. many of which have lead to nothing but backstabbing, drama, and utter turmoil for the "emotional me" - I cant talk to anyone at all about anything because everything gets repeated and turned into something other than what I really said. Its even been insinuated more than once that I have "done something i shouldnt with other peoples partners" - granted, some of these people dont REALLY know me, but the thought that someone believes ive cheated, or even flirted the wrong way with their SO, hurts ... it hurts really bad. I would never in a million years be that person - I lost a love in my life when he decided to cheat on me ... I simply could not ever cause that pain for someone else. ever. I know the issue lies with the other people, but i always so desperately seek approval ..and lately it seems like everything I do is either wrong, or accused of being wrong and there is no winning.

I am not good at living with people either, a month in and I still tip-toe around the house. I know thats all on me, but I am not sure how to deal with it or get past it, other than to move out. There is a part of me ready to go tomorrow, and a part of me that wants to stay a little longer. Some days I am not even really sure I am wanted here (yes I may create that in my own head too, but ...i dunno) again it feels like everything I do is just wrong. I tried to help with yardwork, and accidentally sawed through a large heavy ext. cord.. cutting power to several places in the house too. I did this, I did that .. all not the way they do it .. which, its not that ive been scolded or anything like that .. most of the time no one says anything at all, but I create it in my head. I want to just hide away and not have to deal with anything because it is all coming out wrong.

Im so struggling to maintain ....

the sun is fabulous though. This part of Arizona I had no doubts about, it has been what i expected - and yes, I know its going to get hot .. and yes, i will probably complain at times "god damn its hot out" but it will just be a passing complaint .. I love the heat, the sun, the warmth , i need it to survive. I still am not convinced that i would have survived out this winter season in the cold and snow .. I believe Ms Universe knew that too and answered my prayers to make things fall into place (even if it was not done in a nice way!)

I am sure there is lesson in all this .. the drama, the backstabbing, the tip toeing, the accusations, my own emotional setbacks .. I am probably not doing "the best i can" but only what I know how to do .. which is often detrimental *and wrong!* but .. im here .. loving the sun and Arizona :)