Saturday, April 10, 2010

I ventured out .. again!

I made it out to a 2nd coffee this week ... YES! 2 in a row, can you believe it? I had sorta planned on going, but then we had a busy day, and was in the middle of sewing (haha ok ok I was only holding the fabric, P was using the machine!) and had decided I wouldnt go because miss made me giddy didnt want to go.

We had plans on Thursday to go get fabric for the cabana type cover we are making so that we can naked sunbathe in the backyard and prevent kids on trampolines from jumping up to look over the wall. We checked 2 stores 1st and both were closed/out of business! - damn - but we had a 3rd store that several people had recommended. At 1st we walked through it and didnt find what we were looking for, but had settled on some fabric we thought would work - and was 2.99 a yard - we needed 25 yards! As the lady was cutting our fabric we walked around a bit more and POOF right in front of us was the same color fabric we picked out, but was only 1.00 a yard! SOLD - it turns out this is the "pretty part" of a shower curtain - making it a lil more water resistant perhaps - the lady was nice even after cutting the other fabric she let us switch.

We then had my 1st lunch at Joe's Crab Shack .. OMG YUM! I had some amazing pasta, in a yummy alfredo sauce w/shrimp .. I will definitely go back sometime for the crab!!

After getting home we decided on how to cut the fabric - 25 yards, for those that do not know, is 75 feet .. there was A LOT of fabric! 3 of the panels are over 160 inches wide lol and 2 were just over 50, and we decided all needed hemmed to protect the edges. P was our sewer and it was funny as at one point he asked of I wanted to take over ... I laughed and reminded him about what happened last time they handed me a "power tool", he quickly decided it was not worth the risk of me breaking the sewing machine ..

After several hours we still had one (the longest!) panel to go .. and it was after the start of coffee time so I asked, can we finish tomorrow .. Id like to go to coffee .. and YAY it was ok!

I still am not really "enjoying" coffee ... it was nice that the roomies came and I had someone else to sit with .. a couple times ive been ive found myself sitting or standing alone and I get very uncomfortable. I do enjoy afterwards that several of us go out to eat and Ive got them going to my favorite place, Village Inn!! YUMMY pancakes and hot fudge sundaes!! (thats another post some day in and of itself! lol) but its still getting used to trying to be social.

Friday when we tried to finish that last panel it was nothing but grief .. running out of bobbin thread, running out of thread in general, the machine jammed twice .. P said, if we had just finished last night it would have taken 15 minutes and we would have been done .. yay me for making things more difficult again :( .. i also at coffee repeated something i shouldnt really have and that sent me right back into the "I am doing everything wrong" state .. it just makes me think being social is not such a good idea afterall ...

we will see ... for now I am going to shut down, shut up .. id like to recluse away but I have to go to Bizarre Bizaar today. I dont really want to anymore, I was excited, but am afraid of how the day will turn out now .. this is typical for me when anything comes up. I hate it, but its just how I am wired.

Details this week on how that all goes!

Thursday, April 8, 2010



This was getting ready at
Southwest Leather Conference!

*meow purr*
I love my pink hair and kitty ears!


Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Its only April ..

*giggles* Yes I am going to say it .. "it was hot out" lol

It really wasnt that bad, but I did turn on the AC in my car for the 1st time since I bought it April 1, 2004. There have been warmer days, that it wasnt turned on for .. but as I was stuck in traffic yesterday, I realized that the black car is soooo going to reflect lots of heat when it does get really hot!!

I decided to go license my car yesterday. 1st I had to to get an emissions test, not a big deal but damn it cost 30.00 freaking bucks! On the way I was on the phone and realized I needed gas, and that I hadnt really looked up any directions. So I hung up and stopped at a gas station. As I am there I realize, hey I have about 2 hits of smoke stashed under the seat. Since I am not sure what emission testing entails, I thought I had better stash that stash somewhere else. I reached under the seat and ... OH SHIT?! Where is it??? I got out of the car, leaned and looked and could find nothing. I started frantically reaching under with my hand and .. fuck fuck fuck .. where was the baggie???? I started to panic a little. I thought .. maybe it had flown out the day before, or maybe the roomie had found the stash and took it away! ( I am on restriction after failing the drug test and not getting the new job! Im not smoking the secret stash, its just there for emergencies lol )

I KNEW I would get to the emissions place and they would look right down and find it, but I couldnt so I decide I must leave and just pray .... There were 4 lines at the emissions place, all of them long, so I picked lane 3. Had to sit in line about 15 minutes. As I was waiting I continually kept reaching down and hoping the baggie would magically appear .. and YES!!!! IT DID!!!! It had gotten stuck into the slider thingies the seat moves on :) YAY!!

When you finally get to the testing spot , they sit you in a lil booth whilst you wait for the testing to be done. It got a lil warm during all this waiting, but finally it was done and yes I PASSED!

It was a lil warm now ..

Then off to the DMV ... I had searched and searched and even tried to call before heading out, but could not find if they took credit/debit cards so I thought rather safe than sorry, I would stop at Wal-Mart, which I had to pass anyways, and use the ATM since I knew it was the one with the least expensive fees ( thats a whole nother bitch session for me about having to pay to get my own damn money out!)

I was feeling pretty lucky at this point, the emissions was smooth and easy, the baggie was found AND now I had front door parking at Wallys .... except as I got out of the car I remember that the day before someone wanted something out of my purse, and for the 1st time in years I did not have that item in my purse - I hadnt switched it when I changed purses 2 nights before. I always change my purses out and have a particular handful of stuff that ALWAYS gets changed with .. but no .. I had decided that I didnt need that stuff at the dinner party, and so it wasnt in the new purse. Unfortunately one of those always have things was my bank debit card.

SOOOOOO OK ... I was very close to home and had no choice, I was going to go home and get it, and start again. Simple .. right? Uh yeah no ... I turned on to the street to go home and AFTER you turn there is a sign that says "road work until 4-16-10 - expect back up and delays" - the 6 lane road was down to 1 lane each way .. and backed up!!! A less than 10 minute trip turned into almost 20, maybe close to 30!

It got a lil warmer out now

As I finally reached my street ... FUCK .. the big truck thingy that flattens out the blacktop they were laying was right in front of my turn!! and they wouldnt let me in!!! I had to go several blocks farther down to go even more blocks down to come into the house the back way ...

NOW it was getting a lot warmer out .. and the AC came on!

I got home, got my debit card .. and back out on the adventure we went ( remembering to leave the back way so I was to avoid the heavy construction traffic!)

I made it back to WallyWorld .. but no front door parking this time. I also decided once I was in there to pick up some PEPSI!! I had drank the last one the night before, so this was actually good I remembered!

Got the cash. Not knowing how much it would be, I pulled 150.00 out of the machine and then off to the DMV we went!

As expected the line was LONG just to get to the information table. Once there ( about 10 minutes) I was given a number ... J654 - and they were on J640 *GREAT* this would be awhile. I actually was out of there in about an hour and a half .. not as bad as I thought it was going to be really lol and I was damn happy surprised that for a 2 yr plate it was ONLY 47.00!!! That was less than what I paid for 1 yr in NE!!! ( same with the DL .. 20.00 and its good for 25 years!!)

During the trip back from home to the ATM I had stopped at McDonalds .. I was a little shocked that my 1.99 happy meal in omaha was 3.69 here in mesa .. damn all mighty! It's a good thing ive practically given up fast food since ive moved .. its a lil pricier!!

Anyways .. ive been telling people that I probably will bitch and complain and moan a lot this summer that its HOT out .. but I am happy I will never have to do all that about it being to cold or snowy out again!!!

Monday, April 5, 2010

Want your very own Lelo Lilly?? Check out this contest!!

Sooo I was reading this awesome review by Nicole,
over at, about the new Lelo Lilly -
an amazing (and cute!) lil vibe!!

Now I really really want one!!
I have added it to my "thing I want" list!

There is even a contest going on to win one!!

If you would like to enter to win this hot lil vibe yourself
just head on over to to learn how!

(but dont enter TOO many times I want to win!)
(LOL jusssssst kidding!)

Practice what we preach ...

Soooo this weekend we attended 2 dinner parties. One really laid back and one was laid back but there seemed to be a bit of tension in the air (3 other couples, me single, and each had other stuff "on their plates" that built tension)

As I am at each party, my need to serve is screaming inside of me to be acknowledged, however, the nilla in me, the scared, shy, nervous, I do everything wrong, girl, won out and made me sit there quietly and almost "shut down"

In my profiles and "about me" sections of different sites, I list myself as the happy go lucky submissive girly girl. I know what I want, and need, to function in life .. most of that relating around my submissive behaviors/traits. However, when it comes to practicing that, I just "melt".

It has become very frustrating. I've been trying to make myself more social since I moved, as there is a very active community here, but it's yet another thing I feel like a failure at. I feel like everything I do is wrong, so I get back into the old train of thought "you don't need it, eliminate it and then you cant be wrong or get hurt" - we all know (if you read my blog lol) that I systematically eliminate things from my life to avoid the hurt/loss/frustration that comes along with it. No relationships, no friends, no games .. I just want to recluse from the world, and convince myself I am "happy" that way.

I have many people that come to me regularly for advice, and I can preach out some pretty damn good advice most of the time (Ive even been called the Dr Phil of the lifestyle a couple times and miss subbie101 lol) ... thing is, I can dish it, most of the time (and I do not say this vainly!!) I am told "you are right" or "I should have listened, you were right" (and for most people I do try and not say I told you so, but there is a friend or 2 that I force that issue so that listen next time!)

I know what to do, most of the time I even know how to do it .. many wonderful people in my life have provided me with the tools I need .. I just so often fail to pick them up and use them. It's easier to hide away. It's easier to live in my "misery" that it is to face the fear to get to where I need or do what I need to do to be happy.

Ive been told, and agreed, that I need direction .. but .. there is a part of my "perfectionism" that says I should just be able to do it. I shouldn't have to ask ( because I'm to damn shy to ask!!), or learn how, or be told .. I expect I know, I should just DO! It's a very frustrating cycle Ive put myself in.

At the same time, I get looked "down upon" sometimes because I say I need direction, almost I think sometimes some micro-managing would really help me get passed the resistance, and the frustrating cycle I am in .. I have no will power to put myself where I need to be.

It was just like my move to Arizona. Ive been trying 5 years and couldn't manage to make myself do it. Finally someone "gave me direction" they didn't just say "move you can do it" they "pushed me" and "made me do it" - while there is a lot of drama in az to contend with, it overall has been one of the best things for me. It IS what I expected and wanted, and as for the drama, I believe we are placed in peoples lives for a reason, either a lesson of our own, or a lesson to be learned from me or perhaps even both .. so really in the end, its all good ... I have meltdowns but I think they are needed to put my thoughts back into some organized state in my head.

I am thankful, and grateful, for all the "direction" I am being given right now. The friends of mine who I am "listening to and in the middle of their drama" asked me how I was, they apologized for placing in me in the middle and i said ya know .. it's oddly enough more of a comfort zone for me, it makes things real, it's what I am used to .. if everything around me was "perfect and OK" Id probably feel more out sorts than I do lol so its all good

life is good really .. and I am really working on coming out of my recluseivness :) so i can actually practice what i preach!