Monday, April 5, 2010

Practice what we preach ...

Soooo this weekend we attended 2 dinner parties. One really laid back and one was laid back but there seemed to be a bit of tension in the air (3 other couples, me single, and each had other stuff "on their plates" that built tension)

As I am at each party, my need to serve is screaming inside of me to be acknowledged, however, the nilla in me, the scared, shy, nervous, I do everything wrong, girl, won out and made me sit there quietly and almost "shut down"

In my profiles and "about me" sections of different sites, I list myself as the happy go lucky submissive girly girl. I know what I want, and need, to function in life .. most of that relating around my submissive behaviors/traits. However, when it comes to practicing that, I just "melt".

It has become very frustrating. I've been trying to make myself more social since I moved, as there is a very active community here, but it's yet another thing I feel like a failure at. I feel like everything I do is wrong, so I get back into the old train of thought "you don't need it, eliminate it and then you cant be wrong or get hurt" - we all know (if you read my blog lol) that I systematically eliminate things from my life to avoid the hurt/loss/frustration that comes along with it. No relationships, no friends, no games .. I just want to recluse from the world, and convince myself I am "happy" that way.

I have many people that come to me regularly for advice, and I can preach out some pretty damn good advice most of the time (Ive even been called the Dr Phil of the lifestyle a couple times and miss subbie101 lol) ... thing is, I can dish it, most of the time (and I do not say this vainly!!) I am told "you are right" or "I should have listened, you were right" (and for most people I do try and not say I told you so, but there is a friend or 2 that I force that issue so that listen next time!)

I know what to do, most of the time I even know how to do it .. many wonderful people in my life have provided me with the tools I need .. I just so often fail to pick them up and use them. It's easier to hide away. It's easier to live in my "misery" that it is to face the fear to get to where I need or do what I need to do to be happy.

Ive been told, and agreed, that I need direction .. but .. there is a part of my "perfectionism" that says I should just be able to do it. I shouldn't have to ask ( because I'm to damn shy to ask!!), or learn how, or be told .. I expect I know, I should just DO! It's a very frustrating cycle Ive put myself in.

At the same time, I get looked "down upon" sometimes because I say I need direction, almost I think sometimes some micro-managing would really help me get passed the resistance, and the frustrating cycle I am in .. I have no will power to put myself where I need to be.

It was just like my move to Arizona. Ive been trying 5 years and couldn't manage to make myself do it. Finally someone "gave me direction" they didn't just say "move you can do it" they "pushed me" and "made me do it" - while there is a lot of drama in az to contend with, it overall has been one of the best things for me. It IS what I expected and wanted, and as for the drama, I believe we are placed in peoples lives for a reason, either a lesson of our own, or a lesson to be learned from me or perhaps even both .. so really in the end, its all good ... I have meltdowns but I think they are needed to put my thoughts back into some organized state in my head.

I am thankful, and grateful, for all the "direction" I am being given right now. The friends of mine who I am "listening to and in the middle of their drama" asked me how I was, they apologized for placing in me in the middle and i said ya know .. it's oddly enough more of a comfort zone for me, it makes things real, it's what I am used to .. if everything around me was "perfect and OK" Id probably feel more out sorts than I do lol so its all good

life is good really .. and I am really working on coming out of my recluseivness :) so i can actually practice what i preach!

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