OK well I hope anyways. Someone made a post the other day on FetLife and I gave my "typical pixie advice". It has really been making me think though, ever since I posted it, how I don't really practice what I preach (because its much easier that way lol)
The topic was about how the person felt they were "angry" or had a "temper" all the time lately and how they, nor people around them, were liking it. My advice was, its a choice .. all our reactions and responses to life around us is a choice. I suggested not to react/respond to anything without a 30 minute breather. Stop and think about what was about to be said or done, and see if that is how you really want to be.
For me, the response / reaction I don't like is, well almost that I am being "a drama queen" - I've had some crazy ass shit dealt to me in 2010 ... and I keep whining about it. I tell everyone about it. I stay wrapped up in it, because its safe. I've spent the last 8 weeks, plus a few more on and off before that, living completely out of my comfort zone. That has put me into some what of a panicked, I'm scared mode.
On top of that I am trying my darndest to learn to be sociable. Problem with that is, and why Ive never been sociable, is, I just dont know how lol .. I dont have anything to talk about .. except this crazy drama shit thats been going on, and so thats what comes out of my mouth. Otherwise I just sit there feeling like an idiot because I have nothing to talk about it.
Thursday night coffee is a good example. I keep going, but, I just sit there .. looking at everyone chit chatting and what not and I feel like the outsider. Im not, I mean they all know me, I know most of them, they are just visiting and conversing, but I just feel out of place and uncomfortable and sit there feeling like I am an idiot .. desperately trying to think of something to say .. to fit in.
Usually its not so bad around lifestyle people, because lifestyle stuff generally comes up .. and that is what like the only thing "I know" that "I'm comfortable" with .. but thats only minutes of the evening .. I have hours to fill.
Anyways .. I realized that I myself need to step back and think about my reaction and responses. Im known to all for being the happy go lucky smiling pixie, but Ive not let her out for months now .. hell, I dont want to be around me, I cant imagine anyone else wanting to be either lol ...
I do think some of this has to do with coming out of winter .. I did still spend most of winter in the cold and dark of the midwest so Im thinking winter blahs still got a lil piece of me, and then turning my whole life upside down to move to Arizona didnt help ( well ok it DID help, just in different ways lol)
SO .. im back now .. on track I hope to being the happy go lucky submissive girly girl I am :)
4:20 Flick: CHASING STRAINS EP. 1
3 days ago