Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Lions and Tigers and Bears .. oh... wait, this is Arizona

2010 has been the most wild ride so far. Im not exactly sure its been all "good" but as usual I am surviving ( whether I want to or not lol)

One thing that has been fabulous is the move to Arizona. Most of you know Ive waited 5 long years for this to happen, and to be honest, it probably still wouldnt have happened had someone not just fell into my life and made it happen. I hope she (and her husband!!!!) really know how grateful I am for all they did, and continue to do, to make this a success.

I never expected my move to Arizona to "fix" my life .. I did maybe hope somewhere along the line though that it would make it easier, less complicated, less ... well, less a personal struggle. Its been anything but that, as some of my post have previously shown.

One of the great things I always preached about was the lifestyle and community. Sadly some that has come back to bite me in the ass. Trusting people, befriending people, believing in the community .. many of which have lead to nothing but backstabbing, drama, and utter turmoil for the "emotional me" - I cant talk to anyone at all about anything because everything gets repeated and turned into something other than what I really said. Its even been insinuated more than once that I have "done something i shouldnt with other peoples partners" - granted, some of these people dont REALLY know me, but the thought that someone believes ive cheated, or even flirted the wrong way with their SO, hurts ... it hurts really bad. I would never in a million years be that person - I lost a love in my life when he decided to cheat on me ... I simply could not ever cause that pain for someone else. ever. I know the issue lies with the other people, but i always so desperately seek approval ..and lately it seems like everything I do is either wrong, or accused of being wrong and there is no winning.

I am not good at living with people either, a month in and I still tip-toe around the house. I know thats all on me, but I am not sure how to deal with it or get past it, other than to move out. There is a part of me ready to go tomorrow, and a part of me that wants to stay a little longer. Some days I am not even really sure I am wanted here (yes I may create that in my own head too, but ...i dunno) again it feels like everything I do is just wrong. I tried to help with yardwork, and accidentally sawed through a large heavy ext. cord.. cutting power to several places in the house too. I did this, I did that .. all not the way they do it .. which, its not that ive been scolded or anything like that .. most of the time no one says anything at all, but I create it in my head. I want to just hide away and not have to deal with anything because it is all coming out wrong.

Im so struggling to maintain ....

the sun is fabulous though. This part of Arizona I had no doubts about, it has been what i expected - and yes, I know its going to get hot .. and yes, i will probably complain at times "god damn its hot out" but it will just be a passing complaint .. I love the heat, the sun, the warmth , i need it to survive. I still am not convinced that i would have survived out this winter season in the cold and snow .. I believe Ms Universe knew that too and answered my prayers to make things fall into place (even if it was not done in a nice way!)

I am sure there is lesson in all this .. the drama, the backstabbing, the tip toeing, the accusations, my own emotional setbacks .. I am probably not doing "the best i can" but only what I know how to do .. which is often detrimental *and wrong!* but .. im here .. loving the sun and Arizona :)

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