Friday, February 19, 2010

I can't I can't I can't ....

I have lots of "reasons" why I've not been able to move to Arizona .. or do anything in my life really. Some call them 'excuses' - and some are. Some are not, but I can justify all of them. Im good at that.

I've been forced to make decisions lately. Forced to live outside of my comfort zone. Forced to make changes. I'm trudging along, but feel myself sinking deeper and deeper, making it harder to keep going. I've really only had one big melt-down, which wasnt even that big because I was trying to hide the fact I was melting down.

In my frantic need for "support" , I have been sharing with everyone my plans for my job, my packing, my move. One person pointed out to me the other day that for every step in my process, I had a list of "I can'ts"

I cant drive the Uhaul cross country
I really cant do it towing my car
I cant pack alone
I cant work days / do sales / wear professional clothes
I cant leave my mom
I cant move and be alone
I cant leave my kitty
I cant live with people

I can't I can't I can't ....

I can't live through another winter. That is the real I can't. That is the "I can't" that is my motivation to complete the biggest task of my life.

I want to say I can .. I don't want to fail however. I don't want to lose. I don't believe I can do it. I've repeatedly failed, why is it different this time?

There is something different this time. There is someone different. Someone who has not only verbally motivated and encouraged me, but has physically taken time, effort, and energy to help me succeed. I've told her Thank You - but I can't (haha there it is again!) ever begin to truly express my gratitude. I would not be as far as I am in this process without her support.

I've gotten past 1 of the "I can'ts" by asking for help. Thats not something I am good at, but I have asked for some. Then I get told by others who do not understand, that my asking for help and just not doing the things on my own, that I am still "coping out" I am giving in to my "I cants" but .. I dunno. If I do not, I may not succeed .. and I want to succeed more than anything this time.

Im working on the "I can I can I cans"

1 comment:

  1. And THAT, I'm guessing, is long overdue, Pixie. Now don't make me pull the Dom card I expect you to work on the "I can" things. You have much too much to offer those around you, as well as those who want to get to know you.

    Remember that, please.