Monday, February 15, 2010

Decisions Decisions Decision ... a vicious cycle.

This has been, and I hope not always will be, one of the hardest things I deal with. I don't like to, and will avoid at all cost, having to make decisions .. about anything. This evolves when a majority of decisions in your life always seem to be the wrong one. I've become perfectly happy, content, suck it up with others decisions, because its easier than being told to decide, and then have it be wrong.

Some of the poor decisions are really out of ones control. You are asked what you want to eat, you pick something, but it wasnt what THEY wanted, and so it becomes the "wrong choice" - As a submissive natured person, this is a huge struggle when it comes to serving. We desperately want to "get it right". This can put us in the ultimate trap of trying to guess or say or do "the right thing" as well, and it becomes a vicious cycle.

2010 has started out very rocky. Some of it seems out of my control, yet there were decisions that could have been made better, that in the long run would have avoided this rocky start. At the same time, the rocky road is what I needed to force myself to make some needed decisions. Now of course the decisions are huge, and I am avoiding them at all cost .. I want to curl up and just let life disappear so I dont make another bad decision.

Last night, Valentines Day, I flew home from Arizona where I just had just spent a fabulous week, and had many decisions thrown at me. Some I graciously made, others I stressed out about and ultimately did not make the decision. When I landed it was snowing - hard blowing blizzard condition snowing. OK I thought, no interstate, I will drive the long way - Ive had 2 snow related accidents on the interstate in the snow, 1 just barely 2 yrs ago, so .. I made a decision to take the "safe way" home.

As I was driving home I realize Ive been gone a week and have NO food in my house. Maybe I will stop at something along the way .. its 12am. As I am driving down the main drag, I see a Wendys, closed - - and I start to think, this is the last place along this route, should I go the extra few blocks to taco bell ... I decide no, its way to slippery out and I should just deal and go home.

Then I get to another main road/cross section and remember there is a Wendys on that street, which also turns to my house, and so ok .. I will check as some stay open until 1am ... but no, as I get there - they are closed too. So ok, up to my street I go.

On the way I know I am going to pass the street that goes to Taco Bell - but no, I again decide, its just not worth the risk. I keep driving. As I come upon the road however I say to myself, oh hell its just a few blocks and it hasnt been too bad driving when I stayed slow ... Barely 3 blocks down and BAAAM CLUNK SLIDE & TIP!!! Details and pics on that are in the previous blog post.

I started immediatly cursing myself . If I had just listened. If I had just not wanted Taco Bell. I told myself over and over on that drive home, it really wasnt ok to go ... but at the last second I had said "oh your being silly NAME just go" and turned ...

As I was in the car crying and yelling at myself I got very wrapped up in why 2010 was going this way. What did I do, why is the lesson so hard, I cant do it .. I just want this all so to end. I cant deal with all this. The decisions are over powering my sense of capability in making them.

Im lost in this one. I was doing really well in my week in Arizona. I was forced to make decisions and for the most part, all seemed to be going well .. and then something as little as making the turn at the last minute instead of just going home, was a huge wrong decision and it sets back everything I am trying to decide on now for my life.

blah - yes I am going with my decision right now to go take a nap. Ive not quite recovered yet from the emotional trauma this accident really caused but bits and pieces of this post were forming in my head and I needed to get it down.

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