Wednesday, February 17, 2010

harder than I thought ...

Im sitting here in a panic attack - crying - cant breathe - gasping - scared -

Why? I pulled the very first official items down to start packing. I had started a couple boxes 2 weeks ago, and another 2 this week - but really I just thrown piddly stuff in them. Now I look in them and see I didnt really "pack" anything at all. I have went through and got rid of a bunch of stuff, but none of it has been real packing.

Until now.

I just taped a box and put my bedroom bells into it. As I reached for the 1st ones on the wall, I just started crying. Im scared. OMG I am really going to rapidly through myself into this situation that I have longed for, for so long! As bad as I want it, it fills me with so much fear that I just shut down and cant function. I don't know that I can do this. I cant pack. I cant move. I cant do the new jobs I am applying for. I cant live with people to get me started. I cant I cant I cant.

It leads me right back to my choices post from this morning. It's all a choice. Physically I CAN do all those things. I am just not sure how to do them or handle them, emotionally. Maybe the choice is harder because I simply just do not know HOW to do it.

ok - yes - I have to breathe to think - Im thinking now, so I am breathing .. almost not crying - still scared as freaking hell ....

going to try and put more things in this box now ....

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