Monday, January 11, 2010

smile, believe, and fade away ...

I as the typical suicidal, unhappy, life sucks teenager. Life wasnt necessarily "unfair", but its always been a struggle. Yes, I am more than perfectly aware that many many people have it much worse off than I can ever imagine. I also know there are others who have it much better.

From an early age Ive been real frustrated with what I call my "crash landings". It doesnt matter if its employment, finances, relationships, personal life ... I go down a pretty positive path, and then it comes to that crashing end, and its always something that is just so wildy bizzare or unfair. Sometimes things do need to be fair, but I am too small to fight it.

Over the past 25 yrs of this, with each new crash, I tell myself .. im done. I cant possibly deal with another thing. I just do not understand where to find the will to want to keep down this path. In 40 years its not changed, its not going to in the next 40 either, thats just how some paths are destined to be.

I dont have a desire to kill myself, I just dont have the desire to keep doing this. I gave up relationships, because that emotional cut has went to deep. I gave up friends, because not one has ever not burned me in the end. I know, those I adore online are now really questioning my sincerity of the friendships I share with them. You are all the exception to my "rule" - You all I need.

Now Ive experienced another crash, barely 5 yrs coming off the last one. Ive had my self empowerment shot down and destroyed by a job I so desperately needed in order to find some solace and joy in this misery I live in. Ive been reminded once again, that this is just my life. Ive been reminded once again, its always going to be like this. Ive been reminded once again, why I ask why.

Why? What is it that we strive to live for? Family, kids, our work ... I find absolutely nothing rewarding in any of those things.

Again, none of this is new ... When I was in my mid 20s I decided one day I didnt want to feel like that anymore. I told myself, everyday you will smile .. its a choice to be miserable and have a bad day. Its a choice to choose to smile, be positive and to share that with everyone.

Everyone, even me, loves that pretend person. She knows all the reasons we should smile, be happy, love ourselves and our lives. Problem is she can preach it a hell of a lot better than she lives it.

Ive wanted for more than 5 years now to move someplace where there was sun, warmth all year long. Vegas was originally my 1st love, but over time it became Arizona. I found poeple there I fit in with, besides my beloved sun. I had a job I loved however, and a mother whom I love and really does not want me to move away, so Ive put it off and put it off.

However, there is a much bigger reason why ive never moved. Because I know it will eventually come to that crash ending. I will fail. I always have good intentions, good plans, I do what I need to do and it just doesnt matter, it always ends bad.

Ive never truely been on my own. My mother has awlays been a phone call, a car ride away to take care of me, blah blah blah. The one time I moved 3 hours away, I moved with a couple who I was in a relationship with, and knew they would take care of me. Moving to Arizona, I have people I adore, but not anyone who would "take care of me"

I dont want to move and fail. I dont think I can physically or emotionally make it through another winter.

I want to just fade away.

1 comment:

  1. I understand.
    I won't give up on you.

    Do not go gentle into that good night,

    Old age should burn and rave at close of day;

    Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

    Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
    Because their words had forked no lightning they
    Do not go gentle into that good night.

    Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
    Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
    Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

    Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
    And learn, too late, they grieve it on its way,
    Do not go gentle into that good night.

    Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
    Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
    Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
    And you, my father, there on the sad height,
    Curse, less, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
    Do not go gentle into that good night.
    Rage, rage against the dying of the light.