Monday, December 28, 2009

Gone .. Strayed .. lost she is feared ...

That's how I feel a lot of days lately. That line is from a book, about a lost puppy, that I would read to a little girl I babysat many years ago. The line has stuck in my head for years.

I don't know quite how to explain it. I've put myself between a rock and a hard place. I am where I need to be, yet, I want things that I know I don't really want. I am not sure there is a 'safe' in between or middle ground.

I choose to be single because I simply KNOW I can't live with anyone. I am an perfectionistic OCD emotional princess who wants it HER way ... and most of all, submissive to a fault in so many ways.

I am ok with that. I've been the quintessential anti-social hermit for years. The internet is my social connection and outlet to the world.

On the other hand. Lately I've been seeing, hearing, reading, experiencing others relationships and a yearning I've not had in some time has been awakened. I want to be touched. I want to be kissed. I want to be held. And I want her to go home in the morning without a lot of drama.

I've been pondering if they are really just simple wants? Are these things we need to survive?

I stopped wanting them, I stopped believing I needed it, because one more hurt will break me.. emotionally and physically. I'd rather be happy with me long term, than add another heartbreak.

But ... life is full of buts and unfair terms right? Seeing it dangled and teased before me, the ache lately is just so .. intense. It's not about wanting sex. It's about an emotional and physical far above that, getting met.

Being the poly girl I am, I'm certainly not looking for a monogamous relationship - which makes finding someone to share this with me, harder. And I need a Dominant. A Female Dominant .. and and and .. yes, I am picky .. I think we all should be.

It puts me in such a delima .. even in a poly relationship, or just a string of "one night stands" I will get attached and that generally leads right to where I am trying to avoiding going on the first place ...

*sighs* thank goodness for my Hitachi Magic Wand ... right???

1 comment:

  1. Its not easy, not by a long shot. I can honestly and truthfully say that if I lost Drew tomorrow--I'd be done with it all. Not living, heavens no, but I'd not bother to spend time trying to root out that one person who fits my needs and desires *just so* I mean, I'm set in my ways, I know what I can and can't live with. I don't do compromise easily so that person would have to already love/accept everything about me and I them. Also it would take a very strong and understanding individual to be able to truly accept and understand my disease and what its like to live with it, to function as a unit even though my half is deeply damaged, and they'd have to realize that my limits are far different than the average partner/lover. That shit isn't easy to find, let alone someone who will give you a chance and love you enough to even consider the ramifications that will all have on their own life... Gah, the thought of i--I'm gonna go hug Drew now babygrrl, you've frightened me!