smile, believe, and fade away ...

I as the typical suicidal, unhappy, life sucks teenager. Life wasnt necessarily "unfair", but its always been a struggle. Yes, I am more than perfectly aware that many many people have it much worse off than I can ever imagine. I also know there are others who have it much better.

From an early age Ive been real frustrated with what I call my "crash landings". It doesnt matter if its employment, finances, relationships, personal life ... I go down a pretty positive path, and then it comes to that crashing end, and its always something that is just so wildy bizzare or unfair. Sometimes things do need to be fair, but I am too small to fight it.

Over the past 25 yrs of this, with each new crash, I tell myself .. im done. I cant possibly deal with another thing. I just do not understand where to find the will to want to keep down this path. In 40 years its not changed, its not going to in the next 40 either, thats just how some paths are destined to be.

I dont have a desire to kill myself, I just dont have the desire to keep doing this. I gave up relationships, because that emotional cut has went to deep. I gave up friends, because not one has ever not burned me in the end. I know, those I adore online are now really questioning my sincerity of the friendships I share with them. You are all the exception to my "rule" - You all I need.

Now Ive experienced another crash, barely 5 yrs coming off the last one. Ive had my self empowerment shot down and destroyed by a job I so desperately needed in order to find some solace and joy in this misery I live in. Ive been reminded once again, that this is just my life. Ive been reminded once again, its always going to be like this. Ive been reminded once again, why I ask why.

Why? What is it that we strive to live for? Family, kids, our work ... I find absolutely nothing rewarding in any of those things.

Again, none of this is new ... When I was in my mid 20s I decided one day I didnt want to feel like that anymore. I told myself, everyday you will smile .. its a choice to be miserable and have a bad day. Its a choice to choose to smile, be positive and to share that with everyone.

Everyone, even me, loves that pretend person. She knows all the reasons we should smile, be happy, love ourselves and our lives. Problem is she can preach it a hell of a lot better than she lives it.

Ive wanted for more than 5 years now to move someplace where there was sun, warmth all year long. Vegas was originally my 1st love, but over time it became Arizona. I found poeple there I fit in with, besides my beloved sun. I had a job I loved however, and a mother whom I love and really does not want me to move away, so Ive put it off and put it off.

However, there is a much bigger reason why ive never moved. Because I know it will eventually come to that crash ending. I will fail. I always have good intentions, good plans, I do what I need to do and it just doesnt matter, it always ends bad.

Ive never truely been on my own. My mother has awlays been a phone call, a car ride away to take care of me, blah blah blah. The one time I moved 3 hours away, I moved with a couple who I was in a relationship with, and knew they would take care of me. Moving to Arizona, I have people I adore, but not anyone who would "take care of me"

I dont want to move and fail. I dont think I can physically or emotionally make it through another winter.

I want to just fade away.

I thought I lived in the US of A ...

So for a few years now many have heard me "stand on my soap box" about how the corporate world has started treating employees really no better than slaves. If I am not mistaken, we outlawed several many years ago. Employers however are able to dictate our personal lives, outside the office and off the clock. Dont comply? You are beaten! - well beaten down anyways, they fire you.

No smoking, no over eating allowed, because if you smoke or are fat, 1. you cost them more for insurance and 2. it could make them look bad. #2 in the end is really where the invasion of my privacy comes in. If I in no way speak of or bring my companies name into my outside activities, then they should have no right to dictate my activities.

Sadly that is not the case and more and more companies are instilling "moral" clauses into their employee handbook. There is hardly an employer that does not do a full Internet search on you before they hire you. Is that fair? Absolutely not. There is a law protecting us from former jobs giving bad info about us to a new employer .. Why doesnt my personal life need the same protection??

Not too long ago a teacher was fired on the East Coast. Why? Because several years ago she went on a trip to a foreign country, and OMG she had a beer in a pub. A friend took a picture, she looked cute! but had a beer in her hand. She posted that pic on her facebook site. The school somehow eventually saw it and ruled that was inappropriate. POOF just like that, no more job. In her case of being a teacher, she will probably have a hard time ever getting another teaching job in that state.

and it's not even just the USA. In the UK not too long ago a woman called in sick to work. During her "work hours" she updated her facebook status .. and she was fired. Boss said, if you can FB, you can work.

There are 100s of stories like this out there, and I just became the latest victim. For about the past 18 months my employer has made it blatantly clear they would like to see me gone. This is because I refused to smile and say that I thought my company was great and did everything right. They want robots, not human beings. Because I happen to be a top employee, they really had no valid grounds to terminate me. Until now. Well, they think they have grounds ...

I was taken into our HR office and advised that I made a tweet threatening my boss. The twitter ID they presented was in no way legally linked to me. The so called "threat" was not made to a specific person or name ( as a matter of fact it was made to an inanimate object, and automobile)
and they said it said the words "my boss" - I have 2 jobs, even if that were to have been my ID, who is to say what boss the tweet referred to.

When I pointed out that it was not me, I was told they had info. Unfortunately for them, there is no link to my real identity and the alleged twitter ID I supposedly used to make the tweet. Yet, I am still fired.

Where have we gone so wrong that we allow them to have some power over our personal lives. They are worse than the government!!

They have now invaded my privacy and it's simply infuriating! In the end this will ultimately make me accomplish my goal of moving to Arizona and the sun, but its still so very wrong. I will be contacting an attorney.

one more present ...

One more present came in the mail today!
It's so awesome!!




I made this wallpaper for my Palm Pre as well
My phone and bag will match!!



Now I need matching shoes!!

Do you want to make pixie smile?
Take a peek on the right at her "Wishlist"
You too can make it happen!!
(and yes there are CUTE pink shoes on my wish list!!)

HNT ~ brrr its cold!

So this week I was inspired by At Longings End's
#HNT wearing her coat and boots!

We've been at sub zero temps and accumlating
up to 25 inches of snow in about the last 3 weeks!

Fur is high up on my list of fetishes and I own 2
beautiful fur coats. YES I know I know but ...
I love to wear them against my naked flesh ...

there is nothing more erotic and sexy ..
fur brings the pixie great orgasmic pleasure!

(of course dont forgot to click the pic *winkwink*)

HAPPY 1st #HNT of 2010!

MFM ~ Service

This is my first entry into MFM - Micro Fantasy Monday - put on by Sweltering Celt. I used to write pages of erotica daily, and Ive let that really slip away so much over the years, I can barely write at all. Lately though I've stumbled across many a writer/blogger through Twitter, and I have been greatly inspired again ... When I saw this weeks theme, I just knew it was a "sign" and it was time to participate! ENJOY!


I could hear Her walking up behind me. I was Rinsing a plate when I felt Mistress’s hands on my shoulders giving me a gentle squeeze … then her breath was whispering in my ear .. pixie darling .. the soft yet dominant tone was enough to cause a shiver that just seemed to pool in the pit of my stomach..I took breath, set the plate down…turned the water off...While She was already snapping the leash to my collar. I could feel the cool chain teasing down my spine and it sent yet another shiver through me...

The click of Her heels as She stepped back from me hit me before the tug of the leash did and I was quickly kneeling and facing Her..She reached with Her free hand and softly traced her nails along my cheek before cupping my chin and lifting my gaze to Hers. The very look in Her eyes sent a twinge so deep I almost sighed, but I swallowed it down. One could not help but to succumb to Her. She had been waiting all week to get me alone in the house, and I could see without a doubt, today was that day.

She was standing very close, captivating my attention with Her gaze and the occasional stroking of Her fingers through my hair … we seemed to stay this way forever, in silence surrendering my submission to Her Dominance..with every breath I was inhaling her perfumed essence, mixed with her excitement, it was making me swoon and my thoughts were racing as to what She had planned. Then a quick turn and a sharp tug of the leash I was crawling behind her into the playroom.

I knew she had received something new in the mail earlier in the week, but had no idea what I was about to be in store for. As she left me kneeling in the doorway I could see the restraint table already prepared. I began thinking She must have received a new flogger, or paddle…but I became a little hesitant when my eyes caught glimpse that the thigh and waist restraints were on the table. She had it set to bend me over it, my wrists would be corner to corner. I glanced over to Her, hearing a loud WHISH and what first caught my attention was the somewhat evil excited grin that danced on Her lips .. and THEN I seen it.

My heart was pounding … HOW could I have forgotten. I set my gaze back to the table as She walked back over to me. My eyes were as wide with fear as Hers were with excitement. Ever since the party we attended a few weeks ago, the caning demonstration…..It’s ALL she had talked about. yes, How could I have forgotten!

It appeared to be about 3ft long and I had no idea what it was made of but I felt my ass clenching tightly at the thought of being struck with it. She stood briefly to make sure She had my gaze, and then knelt down before me, placing the cane to my lips, waiting for me to place a kiss of respect upon it. The sparkle in Her eyes, Her energy emanating a calmness .. neither of us hearing a sound but feeling every tug of desire raging inside .. yes today was the day indeed, with every ounce of my submissive being I was going to give myself to her, to show my service and devotion by accepting her beloved new cane ..

It's in the air ...

Perhaps it's the full moon. Maybe it's that it was a blue moon. And of course we can't forget ringing in the New Year 2010. This year will be the end of a decade. This New Year also marks a monumental 10 yr anniversary of entering the year 2000. Some called it the new millennium ( though really that was 2001 ) - anyways hehe .. I came upon this thought this evening as I spent my New Years Day on twitter. My 2009 new found addiction since my chat rooms closed a couple years ago.

I follow several hundred people and as the day grew later, more and more post were coming up about being lonely. Wishing they had some company, a partner. Wishing they would get more time and attention from friends, family, loved ones. Many posted about having a bad 1st day of the New Year. Some even posted they felt selfish about it.

What is it about today that would make so many feel that way. It made me think. I guess it comes about with all this New Years Resolution stuff. We are focusing out thoughts, at the persistence of those around us, to think about resolutions. What do we want to change and do in the next year to better ourselves. This of course makes us think about all the things we said we were going to do last year ...

and that lead me to the post I wrote in the first place today about making New Years Resolutions, and why we shouldnt do it, as it just sets us up for failure. You can read it HERE

hugs wishes and happiness for you all this coming new year ~

Resolutions .. or set up for failure? Happy New Year!

I tend to view things in a way to logical way. I tend to try and be a perfectionist. I tend to believe that I should just know everything and how to do it. I tend not to like to ask for help. laughs .. and that leads me to the topic of this post. New Years resolutions, follow throughs and failures... and asking for help.

One of the biggest resolutions of the New Year for people is to diet/lose weight. It's also the number 1 failed resolution. We set ourselves up with this big hopes, dreams and goals. We give ourselves unrealistic final results, and we expect that we are just going to wake up January 1 and do it. Generally there is really no preparation, we "think" we know how and what to do. Days, weeks, months into it we are becoming aware that we either have not been keeping to it, or have started out strong but as always, life just gets in the way and the goal gets forgotten or 'set aside until tomorrow" and 365 tomorrows later here we are again.

When we reach that realization, when we become aware of the failure, we punish ourselves. Sometimes out loud, sometimes physically, but most of the time I think its a mental punishment. I constant berate myself for not doing this, not finishing that .. and then I berate myself for berating myself.

For me, one of my big "failure" resolutions is apartment cleaning. On one hand I am a germ freak - one the other, I just cant seem to put things away, and I always have clutter. Clothes, shoes, coats, paper, boxes, pillows, blankets, laundry(clean!) .. its never ending. It gets to a point I just cant stand it sometimes, yet it stays that way. To get past it, I started telling myself - It's my apartment and I can keep it as i wish. I would never however invite anyone in. Sometimes our goals are not physical like dieting or cleaning our houses, but personal, emotional goals. Those are a trap all by themselves that can lead to years of emotional failure stress.

My personal emotional "resolution" has been to be happy. smile and believe - everyday. While its a valiant goal I think we should all strive for, its one of those unrealistic goals. I believe we do have a choice every single day to be happy or let it control us, but its unrealistic to think we have the will power 100% of the time to do it.

So I decided that I was just not going to set myself up for that anymore. No more resolutions. No more "Im am going to do this or else". No more cursing myself for not having done it.

Certainly there are always things that need improvement, and I think that the New Year is a good time to reset my focus on those accomplishments. I believe though that instead of making resolutions to change, we need to move the focus on how to make the change. There are tools out there. We are all capable of making the choice to get them.

For many of the dieters and house cleaning slackers, there is a deeper issue as to why we are eating or living in our cluttery mess. And that of course holds no truer than to the emotional changes. We are not going to wake up and just be a better person. We are not going to wake up and just suddenly be responsible and pay all our bills on time and clean up our messes. We are not going to wake up 365 mornings and never eat another piece of chocolate. But we can wake up and start looking for the tools that will help us ultimately succeed in being the person we want to be, to help us accomplishing our goals and tasks more days than not.

Remember that we dont have to do it alone,there is a world of information out here. Some things are not going to happen in a day a week or even a month, maybe even the one year. Its not always going to be easy. And importantly too, remembering to take things 1 step or task at a time. Dont overwhelm and put too many things on the plate - alternate the things you are working on. On average it takes 90 days to change a habit/behavior and you never remove it, you replace it with a different one. Choose ahead of time the healthy one you want to replace it with.

Ook so thats my thoughts on today lol Many Magical wishes for success and happiness in 2010!!