Friday, January 29, 2010

Making myself small ...

This is several broken up pieces of me, and things that have happened in the past few weeks, maybe years, but they kind of all fell together into something tonight. Though I admit, while I feel this need to put it out here, it may not make any sense at all.

Over the past few years, and stemming from a very early age, Ive never really had "a will to live". I cant place that value on people, and even things in my life, but, I sometimes just dont understand why with all the heartache and pain we suffer through, why we want to live? Most say they have husbands/wives/children/friends/family .. but, I can't say that I have any of that so far in my life that hasn't caused some form of pain/hurt.

Each time I go through something, I have systematically stopped including people/things in my life. No more pets, no more close friends, no more boyfriend/girlfriend, no more D/s relationships. Just live. smile. be happy. Try and fit in. I am not suicidal. I don't want to kill myself, but I feel sometimes I reached that point of not being able to take one more thing.

That part is not new, I've blogged about it recently before.

A few weeks ago when I lost my job, my heart sank for a different reason than most. I cant replace the work I was doing, and really my only experience is in a field I dont want to work in again, but will probably need to. For me, this is quite traumatic. To make it worse ( better ? ) I am going to move 1000s of miles away from the only constant "safe" Ive ever had. Ive never been truly alone.

A friend knowing these things pointed out that I really needed to find my passion. I said, I know my passion. I know that one thing that makes me want to be alive, but I cant have it. It wont support me. I don't have the energy, motivation, creativity, or even will power to make my passion be my life. I barely function as it is now in the "real world"

She proceeded to "correct me", suggesting that what I consider my passion, cant really be a passion. That I needed to find something else. She even sent me books talking about finding our passions ...(that really I am going to try and read!)

The first time I ever felt alive in my entire life was when I wandered into a submissive chat room in the summer of 1998. My whole life has been lived/raised in some sexual content, and thats all I was looking for when I went in, something I was familiar with. What I found was so much more. My passion, my life. my will to live. It was a place I felt comfortable in, and for the most part, is the only atmosphere environment I feel comfortable in to this day.

I was watching Greys Anatomy tonight, one of the "themes" of the episode happened to be about our passions. A large man, who was a singer, was going to possibly lose his ability to sing. He talked about how he spent his whole life trying to make himself look small, physically and emotionally, in order to be out in the world, but when he got on stage, to sing, he could be the loud, emotional, angry at the world fat man - and people loved him for it. and soon as he was off stage he went back to trying to be small again, trying not to be noticed. He told the Doctors, I dont want to live my life small. If I cant go on stage and sing, I dont want to live.

Being in my "drop" today after SWLC, I think I may have cried through the entire thing, and it really inspired this post.

My impending move to live in Arizona is something Ive wanted for 5 years. While the sun was the original motivator, the lifestyle and community I have found there surpasses any Ive ever found. I am alive there. An alive that may even help me get back to my creative, motivated, will powered person I want to be. I can't serve in this state (literally!!).

I am scared to be out of my safe normal misery. We are so often victims of finding it easier to live in our misery and fear, than branching out, taking chances, living the way we want to. I am as guilty of that as the next person. I want to change. I need to change.

I need this lifestyle, my passion. I dont want to make myself small, I want to live big!

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