Thursday, January 28, 2010

Selfish Moments

In one of the many post Ive made in the past few days in other forums, I talked about how as Ive been "hurt" by people/things in my life, I would try to avoid including that in my life anymore, whether it be love, D/s, friends .. I just become an anti-social hermit.

Im very aware of it. A few people stirred things in me over SWLC weekend however. I became giddy, excited, couldnt stop talking about people/things. After day 2 I said to someone, ok, Im done with this "attachment/giddy" process I am experiencing. I do not want to get hurt, I cant set myself up for that. So, I (tried!) to shut it off all day. (yeah uh huh until each one of them texted me, talked to me, paid attention to me!)

So .. in my moment of shut down, I was socializing with several people ... mostly Dominants (It was like being the old enough kid to sit at the adult table!). One of the lovely Dominants, who had allowed me to the honor of hanging around her all weekend as my safety blanket, made causal mention she wanted a foot massage. I dont believe it was directed at me, but I wanted to do it. I was sitting the closest to her, there was absolutely no reason I shouldnt reach out and make the offer. but I didnt.

Why? Well, I didnt want to get caught up in my own "need". I wanted so desperately to serve, to be submissive me, to feel that energy, but... I didnt want the feeling when it was over, of knowing it could be a long time before I get to experience the feeling again. I selfishly denied a Dominant a wish, a desire, to protect my own feelings.

I didnt have this realization until hours later unfortunately. She never got her foot massage, and I felt terribly guilty .. no, I felt disappointed. Disappointed in myself for being selfish, and scared she was disappointed in me as well. I felt scared that what IF she had directed it at me, without specifically directing it at me, and I had failed to respond. Of course once our own head starts with the "what if's" we can create ALL kinds of scenarios.

I was coming out of my shell in so many ways during SWLC, I decided I had to apologize to her. The thought of that scared me less than thinking she was disappointed in me. (yes, i so way over analyzed the whole situation lol)

The next morning, I by chance had a few minutes alone with her and I did find my voice and offered the apology. She told me that it was not directed at me at all, she wouldnt have expected to me to respond to it, and then she hugged me and told me I didnt need to apologize.

I still feel disappointed in myself for not offering the foot massage, but I do feel a bit "bigger in spirit" that I was able to apologize to her.

1 comment:

  1. i may have very well done the same thing, my need to protect myself right now is very high...and it's not that i wouldnt have wanted to, because i would have...but that need to shelter myself would have been there too.

    i probably would have done..exactly the same thing all the way through.